Crying in the darkness
The thoughts won't let me be
They steal away my sleep
They terrify me!
It hurts to stay awake
I'm scared to close my eyes
I stare into the blackness
Slipping out of time!
The voices start to call me
The awful things they say:
"You're fat!", "You're dumb!", "You're ugly!"
I hear it everyday!
"Don't you think I know it? -
I'm the one who's me!
I live this life of torture -
I am, I know, I see!"
I'll cut - to shut you up!
Into my flesh I'll carve!
And as for being fat -
To silence you I'll starve!"

T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse!
Except for Rebekah
For she was not sleeping,
All alone in the corner
She was silently weeping!
On her was looming
The first day of dread
The tomorrow of sorrow
Emotional dead!

First she'll awake
Force a fake smile
OK at first
But after a while
The family arrive
Dinner is made
The mountain of food
Makes the false smile fade!
Each mouthful sickens
She'll want to throw up
It's tinged with the guilt
That forces the cut.
But the cut is a gift
The freedom and light!
Gives her the strength
To keep up the fight!

In the beginning
There was darkness, depression!
Hurt in the mind
Needing self confession!

Then there was division
Of land from sea
So the ocean of tears
Must be parted from me!

And into this parting
Were the rivers and streams,
The source of the water
Is a body that bleeds!

Next comes the life
All things happy on Earth
Each with a purpose
Each with a worth!

So none should be slaughtered
To keep me alive
I'm fat and not worthy
So let the world thrive!

Now the Holy Book
Is my Test-plan for life
Mental Health Bible
Hurt, pain, anger and strife!

Does the wound bleed
If the soul is dead?
Will the tears fall
When the wound has bled?
Will the eyes sting
After tears have fallen?
Will the scars be there
Come morning?
If the skin scars
Will the torture end?
Will I slowly
Start to mend?
Or will it simply
Fail to cease?
And take my body
Piece by piece...

The heart beats...
Pulsating in the temples.
Tongue's dry,
Fear stuck in my throat.
I wait
In the dim light.
The clock ticks,
Loud in the lonliness.
My stomach tying itself into knots!
A candle flickers;
A breath escapes me
And I think:
"That could've been the last!
What am I waiting for?"

A breeze blows the curtain,
Blows out the candle!
Still I wait in the darkness!
An age has passed,
But still I sit in fear!
He stands at my window and beckons me,
My last breath escapes me
And I think:
"Why did I waste it?
Why did I wait for death?"

Screaming in the distance;
Fire fills my eyes!
Someone that I truely love
Is hurt by someone I despise

Your pain I feel inside me;
Your terror is in the air!
You sit and cry, so lonely;
The silent tears show your despair!

He was s'posed to love you!
But "love is over-rated"!
He used his hate to hurt you!
Your mind, soul, body - violated!

Please come and stop me dreaming;
Say none of this is true!
That the awful things I heard and saw
Aren't happening to you!

Forget to turn the light off,
Didn't lock the door!
Forgot to even feed myself,
I haven't done my chores.

I can remember facts!
But events, I can't recall.
I can't see places, faces, names,
My mind just blocks them all!

My medicine sits untouched,
Another thing I forgot
I might forget to wake up soon
Just say "Screw the lot!"

Go on! Touch on the wound,
With salt if you'd prefer!
It's open and shedding red tears for you
Because of you!
Touch on it for spite, just to see my pain,
Your cruel pleasure.

Feelings run through the body,
Deep blue blood courses through the veins.
Deep blue blood that shows depression;
Spilt red as anger draws feelings out to the surface,
Out with the blade.
Expectations of black blood.

Your spite and cruelty are reflected
Onto me, my body, my emotions.
Hidden tears.
Shoot me with that look of disgust,
No need for words.
You cut me deeper than the metal!

My body's my temple,
It's falling apart.
The wall are now crumbling
Unveiling my heart.
A heart that is empty,
It's hollow and wanting.
Tap; hear the echo
Of the one needing something.

My body's my temple,
It's breaking you'll find.
The part that is vulnerable:
An agonized mind.
A mind that is full
Of bad thoughts that torture
My day and my night,
They ruin my future!

My body's my temple
It used to be whole.
I think it's now missing
The life and the soul.
Too stressed to continue,
Don't want to give up!
I can't fight this battle
I'm stuck in this rut!

My body's my temple,
But what fills me is vital
To keep it all standing
Yet I've gained the titles:
"Mentally ill",
"Anorexic", "Depressed",
Meaning nothing to me
So I'll hope for the best.

Will my temple stay standing?
Will I get through this all?
My hope's running low!
There's a crack in the wall!
The dark clouds have gathered,
Will I get through the rain?
Will surviving the storm
Make me happy again?

Scared and shaking,
Heart is breaking.
Cut and bleeding
I am needing.
Hating, hurting,
Feeling worthless.
Sad and lonely,
All so phoney.
Torn and crying,
Feel like dying.
Drained and bled -
Already dead!

Razor Blade
Shaver Blade
Cut myself to pieces Blade
Running red on my leg Blade
A 'cure' to my blueness Blade
The blackening of my feelings Blade

Addictive Blade
Beloved Blade
Jealous Blade
Hated Blade
Grating Blade
Too late Blade

Now knife Blade
Nice Blade
Time to end my life Blade!

How do you dull the pain?
There must be another way.
How do you dull the pain?
This can't be the only way.

Take advantage of them all,
They don't feel pain so give them yours.
Take advantage of them all,
Make them feel it, hurt them all.

How do you dull the pain?
I really don't like this way.
How do you dull the pain?
I should go back to my old way.

Release the pain from a cut,
Let it go and open up.
Release the pain in my blood
Flowing out an open cut.
This way I don't hurt them all
It's only me who has to crawl.

How do you dull the pain?
This is the only way
I'll never really dull my pain
I'll live with it everyday!

I'm so tired of all this fighting,
I'm so sick of all this shit.
What happened to the friends I love?
The friends that wouldn't dream of it?
The friends that wouldn't hurt someone,
Just for the sake of being cruel.
I can't believe you said those things!
I'm sad and sickened by you all!

I can't ever seem to get it right!
I choose the friends who are unfair!
They hit too far below the belt,
I can't believe you stripped him bare
Of all his pride and confidence!
You were all too far out of line.
For choosing you to be my friends,
The mistake, I fear, was mine!

The fire crackles deep in my heart -
I hear it!
The despair grows like a shadow -
Can't bear it!
"My self-harm has stopped -
I swear it!"

But I lie!

The thick blood on my leg -
I've seen it!
You talk of depressed -
I've been it!
"I'm still so unhappy, -
I mean it!"

But you ignore!

All alone, by myself -
I'm afraid!
You think I'm so strong -
That I'm brave!
"How long will it be -
'Til I'm saved?"

There's no answer!
Because there's no end to the vicious cycle!

There's no hope for me,
No salvation.
No heart left
And no relation.

No friend to mend my weeping wake,
Or help me quench this lasting ache.
No shoulder to cry on,
No one to rely on.

No one can save me
I'm out of my league.
Scarred from the silence
And wracked with fatigue.

No ray of light,
No higher purpose.
No final fight
For fighting is worthless.

So all alone
I'll waste my days.
Where no one can see
My desperate ways.

On my bed,
In my room
Surrounded by
The choking gloom.

Until the day
I'm hauled away.
What difference
Did I even make?

Thrown in a hole
Ready or not.
Rest in peace -
Or left to rot?

No one will cry
At my funeral
But me.

Version 1
Blood is thicker than water
Hate is thicker than blood
You cut me down with your insults
Push my face in the mud.
You shout the unfriendly torments
I walk away closing my eyes
I climb the long dragging staircase
I sit in my room and cry.
I get enough of this shit at school
I don't need it at home with you
This arguing is going to kill me
And I'm taking you down with me too.

Version 2
Blood is thicker than water
Hate is thicker than blood
You make my tears flow
And I'll drown in the flood
Your insults cut me down
Don't I get enough at school?
I'll never tell you what I do,
I've made that a rule
Just know what it involves:
My leg and a knife
But I wouldn't need to do it
If you'd give me my life back.

I talk but no one listens
As if my words come out like air
I reach out -
But there's no one there!

I feel so empty
I'm lost and scared
Void and scarred
Un prepared

When did my world turn numb?
Why do I feel so unhappy?
Hollow inside
Irreplaceable feelings taken away from me!

What did you do today?
A wasted day alone in you room?
Did you chase the pain away?
Keep the evil thoughts at bay?
Or did you choke upon the gloom?

You see me here,
Laying broken in a lost corner
In the gutter of my mind.
Bleeding from the wounds I have suffered
From the never-ending battle against myself!
You see me here
And leave me.

You see me here,
My heart ripped to tattered shreds
My body empty of all feelings,
All feelings but hate and pain and fear.
Salty tears dry tight on my face!
You see me here
And yet you leave me.

You see me here,
Curled in a heap,
One hand outstretched to the world.
No one takes it; it's spit on!
They just walk passed.
You see me here
And still you leave me.

You will hear me,
When I silently scream your name.
When I realise I can't stand for myself
When I realise you wont help me
When I lay down to die
You will hear me and see me
And then you'll try to help me.... Too late!

The beautiful sky;
A strong blowing breeze;
The glittering sunrise;
The wind in the trees.

The voices all carry
On wind, far away.
I open my window
And breathe in the day.

All that was yesterday
Is not what's today;
And all that's tomorrow
Is so far away.

A step at a time;
I've steadied my pace.
'Jumping the guns
Wont win you the race.'

I'm changing my ways.
I'm determined this time.
After all said and done
My future is mine!

Glitter the waters of the lake in the wood,
Work the honest person spreading their good,
Shine the sun to heat all life,
Twinkle the beauty of the stars at night.

Spread the smile, to melt the heart,
End the bad for good to start,
Sparkle the eyes, so deep, so true,
Heave the ocean wide and blue.

Dazzle the rainbow, quick to fade,
Over joy the life that is made,
Appreciate the laughter, rarely heard,
Influence the feeling beauty stirred.

Love the friends that you treasure most,
Fulfil the knowledge but not to boast,
Rustle the leaves caught in a breeze,
Marvel the Iceland in the winter freeze.

Beam the moon, overhead, at its full,
Blow the wind in summer to cool,
Sing the voice that pleases the ear,
All the best things in life are here...

The beautiful moon waxes and wains
As the months, ceaseless, pass!
Tha shadows grow at my feet
Condemming my world to darkness.
My fear sets with the sun
Yet my dusk weeps! My tears match the stars!
In crystal night time I hear singing,
A bitter-sweet melody
That melts my frozen heart, but chills me!
And a longing awakes in me -
Beatiful enchantment! Sweetest sorrow!
Drawn to - I see her,
I weave through the night cloaked forest
To see her gown - it swims in the breeze,
Flowing white she gleams!
An angel! With feathered wings!
The word of her song is foreign to me
Yet in it I hear meaning!
And I feel her melancholy, as she fades into memory!

The light is now drowned by black night
And the angels paint the stars to the sky!
The full moon wheels 'round as the night deepens!
I rub my wet and weary eyes,
I dry and dress the tears of pain
And i say my farewell to the waking world!
I escape, bound for my dreaming slumber,
But am banished, forever, to the land of nightmares!

The sun now beats,
Through the icy winds, onto me!
It lights me completely
But shadows my heart!
The cold gale crawls through my hair
To leave me tingling, frozen!
I sing to the daylight - but I sing silence
Unheard, unnoticed, forgotten
I bleed!

Roused from my dreaming
By the impatience of my mind.
I shift, shake my aching limbs
And gaze through my window.
This is a day to be filled with sorrow!
And I cry into the sunless dawn
'Til the sky is slahed with red light
The blood of the morning
A sharp premonition!

As some of you know
I've had problems before.
Depressed - I've cut myself
For 3 years (or more).
It was the only release -
The only escape.
But I relapsed in July
After quitting in May!
It's nobody's fault
(But my own) that I cut
I've been feeling real fragile
And I'm just so screwed up!

Apart from my past
(My grandad and dad)
The last 16 months
Are the worst that I've had.
Don't get me wrong,
I'd never blame Her
But it's ever since She died
This feeling got worse!

Now Miche has a lover,
I don't think she cares!
The meds took the her
That always was there!
I don't think that Hayley,
Claire, J or Bec
Understood what was wrong
Never saw me in wreck!
Han's a different matter -
She knew and could hear.
But now she has new friends
She never comes near!

This time I cut
It's not like before.
I think about it (all the time)
I always want more.
But worse than all this:
I'm crying again.
I stopped for a long time.
Denying the pain!

If cutting brings happiness -
I don't understand!
Ends justify means
So why's it so bad??

I snapped my knife
Before, when I stopped.
An open razor blade
Is now how I cut.
To get at the blade
Took me forever -
You'd think by then
I'd have got it together.
I just want to feel normal!
My moods swing up and down.
I think manic depression
Is what I have now!
A fourteen-week stretch -
Of unblemished bliss.
Then I hit rock bottom
Turned to razor blade's kiss!

I gave in - gave up!
I always fail!
I just feel so pathetic!
I always bail!
Maybe life is pointless -
I just feel so low!
Is there a point?
Will anyone know?

I'm sorry all who read this!
I'm sorry all who care!
My burden's just too heavy
I'm leaving it here!
I don't want to die.
But I can't keep the sorrow.
And losing it
Simply means losing tomorrow!

This is my last
Cry for HELP.
I'm out of my league -
I'm just not myself!
Someone get this SOS
I'm drowning in a sea
Of painful thoughts and actions
That hurt 'til I bleed!

So if I die before I wake
I pray the lord all pain to take.
I will watch from far above
All of those who have my love.

You know who you are!
xxxxxxxxxxx

On her bed, so still, she lies,
Can't see through all the tears she cries,
Staring at the silent skies,
As her sanity slowly dies.
Like a robot she sits up.
A secret hidden in a cup,
The blade she uses for The Cut;
Deadly sharp and stained with blood.
She picks it up, breathing in,
Sharp edge is laid upon her skin.
Suicide - the way to win…
Or just another way to sin?

You tell yourself that nothing's wrong,
Force the laughter, soldier on!
On your face your mood seems beaming
But inside a voice is screaming:
"Notice my sadness, make me smile,
Make me feel normal for a while!"
But no one cares and no one hears,
No one sees the lonely tears!
No one sees the deep depression
At best you're someone's cheap possession!
They don't care for the tears you've cried,
For all your thoughts of suicide.
Remember when you took that knife?
You came so close to ending your life!
But you chickened out and moved it up -
Missed the vein but still you cut!
The scar's still there, taunting you
Hiding scars is all you do.
You try to talk but no one listens
This is why your red blood glistens.
Your sadness falls on you like rain
They haven't noticed you've done It again!
They've never questioned your mental health
They'll wonder why you topped yourself!

Here we go again
Alone again
You're shouting at me again
Another reason to do IT again
I don't want to do IT again
But I did do IT again
Now I'm bleeding
And I'm crying again
But don't worry, I'll heal again
I always do, until I do IT again!

Reach for the stars,
Hide all your scars,
The world could be ours!

Shut out the hate,
Walk out the gate,
It's never too late!

Together or lone -
I'm going to roam,
I'm leaving my home!

So shoulder my pack,
Be shadowed by black,
And never go back!!

My eyes are my window,
They show how I feel.
If you looked at then closely
You'd know what was real.
That the smile I wear
Is there to save face.
That the tears I have cried
Is what it replaced.
If you looked in my eyes
The thing you would find:
The Insight into
A Tortured Mind.

The memory there
Of a broken up home.
I was nine when he left,
When he left us alone.
His kids do not matter,
His wife was old hat.
But it mattered to me
As a matter of fact.

The voice of my Grandad
Haunting my sleep.
When, before he got sick,
The secrets we'd keep.
My Dad's leaving killed him!
Now hatred runs thick!
It was after He left
That my Grandad got sick.

The most recent picture,
That plays in my head,
Is the day I got news -
When I heard she was dead.
I didn't see it happen,
I can imagine the wreck.
A crack in the windscreen
And a crack in your neck!
It couldn't be you,
Too young for the grave.
But my friend of just fifteen
No one could save.

I know there are people
More lonely and sad.
But they must be much stronger
For me this is bad.
I can't seem to cope
With this meaningless life
And all of my anger
Comes out through a knife.
But nobody knows
'Cause I smile and beam
They can't see the scars
That lie under my jeans.

I can't tell my story
Through poem or verse.
The words I am writing
Don't even come close.
So now all of my sadness
Is locked up inside
My eyes are my window
Behind which I hide.

LOVE is the language of the head -
It leads you to believe that life is good.
LOVE makes you lose reality - leave behind what's real.
When LOVE holds you - life is the best.
But LOVE deceives you and leaves you with loss.

HATE is the language of the heart -
It's a heavy feeling that helps you to see the big picture.
HATE is hard but wont hurt you.
When HATE holds you, hiding is easy.
HATE wont deceive you - but it never leaves you!

Why do you do it
Making people feel like shit?
Does it make you feel good?
You did everything you could
Just to get under our skin
So we'd lock ourselves in
I don't understand
Why you want the upper hand.
Why can't you just leave it?

At first it's okay,
But then after a few days
Your words start picking at my brain
Driving me insane
It makes me doubt my life
I feel only pain and strife
And I want to stop it all
So not scissors, now it's knife
But then I stop and think "NO"

Why should I?
I don't really want to die
Just because one slag tried to make me cry.
But how would you feel
If I'd gone and slit my wrists
And left a little note with the general gist
That it was all your fault!

I know how you'd feel
You wouldn't give a shit
You'd just move down the line
And start doing it
To someone else who's feeling fine
You could start a new "trend"
Seeing how many you could send
Into suicidal state
Until, whoops - it's too late!!!

Summing how you feel in one word isn't easy. But if I were to do it I would choose "tired"!

My mind is tired, my body is tired and I'm tired,
Tired of every wisecrack made at school about me and how everyone makes fun of me,
Tired of every evil glare or hateful word given on the street by people I don't even know,
Tired of every spiteful word exchanged with my mum every time we fight,
Tired of this painful aching in my heart that makes me feel empty inside,
Tired of hating myself,
Tired of disappointing my friends,
Tired of feeling stupid,
Tired of living up to everyone else's expectations of me and not my own,
Tired of sitting all alone in my room,
Tired of feeling depressed,
Tired of being treated like I don't exist,
Tired of being treated like I don't matter,
Tired of resorting to a knife every time something bad happens,
Tired of bad things happening,
Tired of scars,
Tired of feeling sad and lonely,
Tired of wishing I was someone else,
Tired of feeling ill,
Tired of worrying,
Tired of wanting more,
Tired of eating,
Tired of sleeping,
Tired of breathing,
Tired of failing,
Tired of feeling useless,
Tired of wanting to be dead,
Tired of missing what I used to have,
Tired of being ungrateful for what I still have now,
Tired of existing and not living,
Tired of running and hiding,
Tired of being selfish,
Tired of hating and being hated,
Tired of loving and not being loved,
Tired of aching,
Tired of longing,
Tired of caring,
Tired of smiling,
Tired of frowning,
Tired of trying to be me,
Tired of trying to be someone else,
Tired of crying,
Tired of thinking bad thoughts,
Tired of listening but not being listened to,
Tired of being shouted at,
Tired of being patronised,
Tired of being cut down,
Tired of being mocked,
Tired of feeling sorry for myself,
Tired of every hateful word exchanged by others,
Tired of every cruel act of violence that goes on,
Tired of the lack of justice,
Tired of the human race hating each other,
Tired of people ignoring the needs of others,
Tired of people hurting each other,
Tired of all the murder, rape and abuse,
Tired of racism,
Tired of ageism,
Tired of sexism,
Tired of prejudice,
Tired of all the death and disease,
Tired of world hunger and poverty,
Tired of class,
Tired of feeling so sad
And I'm tired of feeling so tired!

A lonely girl of Camden Town,
Depressed unhappy feeling down.
In tired hands she takes a knife
And there decides to end her life.

Thoughts of happy times that passed
Her quickly by - they never last.
Cutting flesh - she changed her mind
But now she'd gone too deep this time.

Sat there, crying, too weak to shout.
She sat there, dying as blood poured out
The fatal wound - cut with hate.
Any help was now too late.

In her room alone she died.
Her tragic death was all in vain,
For no one knew her no one cried
And others still re-live her pain.