You always wipe away my tears
You comfort me and ease my fears
You put my racing mind to rest
You treat me as if I'm the best

You listen when I need to speak
Even if the words seem bleak
When I am crazed you understand
You always give a helping hand

When I'm enraged you still are there
You always tell me that you care
When I believe the world is hateful
You somehow make me feel so grateful

You fill my broken heart with peace
Your love for me will never cease
And when I need to know what's real
You tell the truth and help me heal

You never shrink away with fear
You're not afraid to get too near
You never laugh when I'm insane
You gently take away my pain

You understand my broken brain
And my struggle to refrain
In certain circles I don't trust
You know I do just what I must

You never treat me like a freak
As if I'm slow, as if I'm weak
You are my God as it must seem
But I'll be damned, you're just a dream

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Bye Now

You have no right to be in my life
To say who I am, to cause me such strife
To greedily take and never give
To selfishly tell me how I should live
You think 'cause I'm sick that I haven't a right
That I can't stand up, that I'll never fight
You think I should try to be someone I'm not
I am who I am, in case you forgot
I won't apologise for being insane
You knew from the start, I don't have to explain
If you can't accept the way that I am
You know where the door is, get out, go, scram
I'm much better off being all alone
I'm not the girl you think you can own
Don't tell me you're sorry, it just won't do
I think I've had enough of you
Take your ego and hit the road
Before I happen to explode
I'll tell you things you've never heard
While you expected not a word
I'm not the girl you think I am
You know where the door is, get out, go, scram

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No Bounds

If I were not ill
Would you treat me the same?
Put on kid gloves?
Take some of the blame?
Would you tiptoe around?
Would you watch what you say?
Would you tremble and fret
If I headed your way?
Would you laugh at me
If I acted weird?
Have I brought something out
Of you that you feared?
If you made a "faux pas"
Would you make amends?
Would I still be worthy
Enough to be friends?
If I cried out loud
Would you understand?
Would you lend me your shoulder?
Lend me your hand?
Would you be ashamed
If I act grandiose?
If I said I was Christ?
If I ripped off my clothes?
Or would you just be
The way that you are?
My bright and beautiful
Shining star?
Would you, could you
Love me still?
Even though
I might be ill?
Would you love me just the same?
Even if I cursed your name?
Would you hold me in your arms?
Shielding me from earthly harms?
Would you stand up for my rights?
Would you help me win my fights?
Would you, could you?
Love me still?
Even though
I might be ill?

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Rock and Reel

The lines in my face grow deeper each day
And most of the hairs in my head have turned grey
When darkness blankets the sky at night
I bury my head in a pillow with fright
My tears have stained the satin sheets
And every night it just repeats

I long so much to be like them
Who sheathe their spirits like a gem
Who laugh and sing and dance and play
Who take no note of life's decay

My heart is aching in despair
I wonder if they'll ever care
I keep my secret locked away
I face the ignorance every day
I'd like to touch them in some way
Without a stint, without a fray

But I'm not in reality
And no one knows the hell I see
I can't explain just how it feels
The way my brain just rocks and reels
They're all just players on a stage
Who mock with laughter, mock with rage

I'll never know how much is truth
It ripped away my vibrant youth
There is no peace for this old soul
I can't replace the love it stole
I sit and wonder, "why God, why?"
Why can't I live before I die?

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The Show

It's a ruse you see
I'm not who I seem
My philosophy is
Swallowed up in a dream
If I pose just right
You can't see inside
It's the voices I fight
It's what I must hide
My mask is for you
A real work of art
I know it's not true
It's breaking my heart
But I need you right now
To ease all my pain
And I can't tell you how
Madness rakes through my brain
It's an act I have down
To a fine art indeed
But inside I drown
In delusion unfreed
You don't know who I am
It's the outside you see
It's for certain a sham
How else could it be?
I struggle in sadness
To put it aside
And all of the madness
I know I should hide
And sometimes I think
"If only he knew"
I talk to a shrink
But what can they do?
I'm crazy I know
But you cannot see
I put on a show
"I'm happy, I'm free"
It's all a big lie
But it's better this way
While inside I die
'Cause I want you to stay
So I have to pretend
To be healthy and strong
I'll play to the end
Pretend nothing's wrong
What harm could it do
In a world without care?
If I'm honest and true
You'll no londer be there
I guess it just seems
Like a long drawn out game
Where love's just a dream
And I'm without shame
I guess I can't give
What you need most in life
The privilege to live
With a sane honest wife
Love is uncertain
I never knew how
Down comes the curtain
I must take a bow

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Breakdown

I hear demons inside my head
Making me wish I could be dead
Screams of terror, gun shots popping
Why are these voices not stopping?
Good guys and bad guys. Who is who?
What does it mean? I can't construe
The final war has just begun
And I'm waiting for the Son
To come and take me from this war
To help me find the open door
The spies are out there hounding me
Within this world there's not one free
The double agents have to kill
It's their own blood they have to spill
I'm innocent. I'll hope to die
I'll look the barrel in the eye
With a wide smile and thoughts of peace
Knowning my soul will be released
I'll trust in God with all my might
To save me from this deep, dark night
To break hypnotic spells on me
To help this guinea pig be free
A shattered mind, no strength to pray
The voices screaming night and day
The camera's eye is everywhere
The microphones are here and there
I raise my hands up to the sky
All I can do is hope to die
'Cause day and night it goes on still
This torturing against my will
I hope the saints will pray for me
'Cause this is hell, it has to be
I'm in it now, I can't get out
I cannot whisper, cannot shout
I cannot speak, I am a mute
I can't agree, I can't dispute
I have to find the underground
By secret codes they can be found
Open shades, a kiss on the cheek
They're all so mild, they're all so meek
Comprehension has escaped me
When will the FBI save me?
I hear their footsteps up above
And what has happened to my love?
The mafia is big and strong
And even I know that they're wrong
They'll have to shoot me, that's OK
The FBI is on the way

I'm locked up now. Am I dying?
Why is everybody lying?
Have I gone crazy, can it be?
I hope the saints will pray for me
Oh what has happened to my love?
I want to be with God above
I'll trust in God with all my might
To save me from this deep, dark night
To break hypnotic spells on me
To help this guinea pig be free
I hope the saints will pray for me

'Cause this is hell, it has to be

Understand that this was real

Understand how I must feel

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Insanity

My life is over, so they say
This mental illness had it's way
It beat me down into the ground
My words they are no longer sound
I try to speak, they do not hear
I shout and they just turn their ear
No longer valid in their eyes
Nobody ever hears my cries
I'm just like you down deep inside
I have my heart I have my pride
But they just turn their backs to me
They don't allow me to be free
They turn and run when I walk by
And all that I can do is cry
My tears have weakened all my senses
Their friendships are nothing but pretenses
Behind their smiles I see their fear
They are afraid to get too near
As if this thing could ever spread
I'm like a leper that they dread
And so I'll isolate myself
I'll put my heart upon a shelf
I'll sit here 'til I'm good and numb
And wait for the men with white jackets to come

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Fallen

I look back at the years gone by
I can't laugh and I can't cry
Whether I'm schizophrenic or not
I'm still the one that they forgot
The give the rich just what they need
While from the bottom I must feed
I take the scraps that they don't want
Their children laugh and point and taunt
I have holes in my shoes
I shrug it off, I drink my booze
My cardboard roof is caving in
I shrug it off, I suck my gin
I mumble, shout and laugh out loud
All by myself I can't be proud
My mind is just a blurry haze
I've roamed these streets for days and days
I was Christ not long ago
But now I'm just so down and low
Have I come to my sense again?
They said I was crazy back at the bin
I know I'm just a homeless bum
A schizophrenic that's gone numb
To the world and what it's of
Where all the loonies get no love
I can't have my piece of pie
Still they never wonder why
They just accept the way things are
While they're out reaching for a star
They don't look down, they don't look back
'Cause they're afraid to face the fact
That I'm society's ugly scar
The one who's fallen from her star

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Walls Of Glass

No one knows the depths of shame
Embarassment and squalid blame
The ugliness I felt inside
When I had nothing left to hide
My skeletons were out to play
My deepest secrets on display
While sanity in darkness fled
And madness ruled inside my head
I learned my walls were made of glass
They saw my crazed insides surpass
The limits of eccentric fools
My heart is bleeding crimson pools
And words will never spell it out
Just what the pain is all about
Not to have a mind that's sound
Or keep my feet on solid ground
I never know when I might break
Or how much more that I can take
To be maniacily on display
Now I'll fold my hands and pray
And hope that God is good and kind
Enough to heal my broken mind

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Misfit

I only know them by their names
Shut out from laughter, fun and games
They look through me like I'm not there
As if I'm simply made of air
They rule me out when they converse
I try to join but they disperse
Alone again, that's what I am
I say it's cool, but that's a sham
And even if I play the part
It isn't coming from my heart
I try to speak but then I freeze
To them it's really just a breeze
They fit together hand in glove
To me it seems they share a love
A bond so strong it cannot break
A bond so strong it can't be fake
I stand outside, I'm looking in
This illness never lets me win
The hearts of those I should befriend
They'll stick together 'til the end
But I'm outside just looking in
Never knowing where to begin
I close my eyes as they walk by
"It's just a dream", I weep nd sigh
But when I face reality
They're still there happy and free
They drew a circle and left me out
It does no good to scream and shout
I never feel like I belong
It's always awkward, always wrong

I really feel they could care less
I try and try but what a mess
I guess I really don't belong
I'm all alone, I can't go wrong
Nobody here to sing my song
I guess they knew it all along
I'm by myself and I can be
A prisoner or ever free

I can laugh or I can cry
They're not around to wonder why
A humble little lunatic
I'm in my place, that's where I'll stick
There are no ties with me and them
It's my own life that I will hem
I'll draw a circle of my own
And I'll be sitting all alone
Don't look at me while you walk by
I'll shut you out until I die
Don't talk to me, I will not hear
I'm all alone so disappear
It's you who made me turn this way
And I have nothing more to say

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Finding Peace

I used to be so scared inside
From the demons I would hide
I'd hear their voices in my head
Full of agonising dread
Pain so deep is scarred my heart
You could see it in my art
Madness led me by the nose
You could hear it in my prose
No one ever understood
But how I wished they really could
They'd turn their head and shut their eyes
No one ever heard my cries
Hatred ruled my life back then
And bitterness was my best friend
I saw my friends as enemies
Lurking there among the trees
I never trusted anyone
When love was given I would shun
It really kept me on the run
Since the madness had begun
Until I finally snapped one day
My brain checked out in some weird way
The pills they gave me pulled me through
You say I'll never be like you
The normal one who walks so tall
Seemingly burdened by nothing at all
But hate no longer rules me day
And bitterness has washed away
The fear inside's no longer there
And I can say I really care
I had to break to find my peace
Before the ugliness could cease
I may not be a whole as you
Or do the things that you can do
But let me teel you this my friend
Like me you'll have to face the end
Will your heart be just and true?
Will you see I'm just like you?

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I Know Now

After years of derogatory voices
Paranoia and very bad choices
Anxiety and unfounded fears
Screaming and yelling amid the tears
After strings of relationships ended in pain
After the hell hounds gnawed at my brain
Compulsive, addictive, I guess that was me
Angels and demons in visions I'd see
Suddenly madness set into my brain
I wanted to die to end the pain
The suffering was inhumane
I've come to learn that I'm insane

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If I Would Tell

I must put on my poker face
If I would tell, I'd fall from grace
They'd strip away my dignity
They'd take away what's left of me
They'd shun me from their neighborhood
I'd always be misunderstood

If I would tell, they'd quickly scatter
Their confidence in me would shatter
To them it must remain unknown
I bear my secret all alone

If I would tell, they'd laugh at me
They'd tell their jokes undoubtedly

They'd treat me like I was ignorant
As if their time would be better spent
With someone more intelligent
I know they'd be quite arrogant

If I would tell, they'd be afraid
Their kindness would be a charade
Their trust in me would become broken
My secret must be left unspoken

To them it must remain unknown
I bear my secret all alone

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My Regression

Ah, to be a child again
Before the lunacy set in
The only normalcy I've known
Has slowly vanished as I've grown

I wallow in my memories
Of how my laughter came with ease
Of how peace filled an emptiness
Of how I never knew distress

I want to reclaim innocence
A simple life that made some sense
When days would end like fairytales
And nothing ever seemed to fail

Where friends made promises back then
To stick with me until the end
My smiles would never turn to frowns
And nothing ever got me down

But here I am......a lunatic
And things have changed since I've been sick
The friends who promised to be there
Have all but vanished in the air

Forget the childhood fantasy
I'm not the girl I used to be
I've left behind reality
I'm drowning in insanity

In sickness I am thrown to doom
I long to crawl into the womb
To nothingness whence forth I came
Return to when I had no name
Into that void in outerspace
I long to be back in the place

To nothingness where I'll be safe
To nothingness where I'll be safe

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On Bended Knee

I try to fight unyeilding tears
I haven't felt this sad for years
The days go by like rushing streams
I've lived a thousand years it seems

All I feel is wretched pain
Madness whirling through my brain
My charade is that I'm free
That all is well....the happy me

The truth will stalk me like a beast
When unaware it starts to feast
It swallows up my pleasantries
It drops me down on bended knees

I fold my hands and gather strength
And beg, "I'll go to any length"
To rid myself of these dark days
To be my sugarcoated glaze
That I have uused to make it seem
As if my life were just a dream
To be envied by my friends
But now this masquerade must end

Unfold the virgin deep within
Let the innocence begin
Let life spring forth and start anew
Make straight the thoughts that went askew
Heal my heart and mind and soul
Make me complete and make me whole
Clean up the rubble on my life
Take away the pain and strife

It's this I pray on bended knee
Won't you answer?
Set me free

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Carrying On

Breaking up with you
Is a blessing in disguise
You never heard my laughter
You never heard my cries
Mental illness was to you
Nothing but a joke
It was very evident
In the way you spoke
I tried to love you even though
You never understood
I tried to be a friend to you
Yet I never could

You couldn't open up your heart
You couldn't let me in
And all those years I wondered just
Where do we begin?

You cannot finish something
That you never start
I guess I'm just another fool
To whom you closed your heart

So what is left to carry on
In spite of ignorance?
What have I gained as I left you
Sitting on the fence?

I have to say I feel quite free
With no one there to judge
And I can be myself again
While you just hold your grudge

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A Tick Away

When I was crazy I soon learned
The flames of Hell that eternally burned
I crawled inside my empty shell
I knew what christians meant by "Hell"

The flames that burned were my worst fears
They came alive among the cheers
Of invisible demons in the night
I looked but they were out of sight

The clamor blasted in my head
I was blanketed with dread
My feet would run....but I'd stand still
My cup was empty...yet it spilled

I shouted out, they didn't hear
I was at peace, but full of fear
I froze in silence, only stared
Inside my madness, unprepared

I begged my God to save my soul
To rip my from the depths of Sheol
The suffering you cannot know
For it's a place you dare not go

My Hell's inside, a tick away
I realise this most every day
I have to keep above the water
Level out the teeter-totter
Try to stay as sane as I can
Or burn in Hell again and again
I walk a tight rope every day
My Hell's inside, a tick away

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A Call For Endearment

I see you read the news today
Another patient blows away
Some patrons in a fast food joint
The media must make it's point
That crazy people only kill
Let's do it right, lets pass a bill
Ban them from society
Keep them away from you and me
Lock them up, throw away the key
They'll murder us if they are free

There's a million ways to say I'm nuts
I'm crazy.....no if, ands or buts
That doesn't mean I'm stalking you
It doesn't mean I can't be true
I won't gun down the innocent
I'm not a deranged dissident
I won't plant bombs outside your door
I'm not one that you need abhor
I'm not the one you read about
You look at me as if in doubt
I'm not a freak to be outcast
Why must you look at me aghast
I'm not so frail I'd snap in two
I'm pretty much the same as you

So please don't think I'm to be feared
I'm good enough to be endeared
This is what I hope you'll do
I'm pretty much the same as you

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I Rise Above

Sometimes I wonder who I'd be
If I weren't living with this tragedy
Would I be as humble, maybe proud
If I weren't covered in this shroud? Or love my life as much as you?
Would I in my excitement quell?
Drink deep from that omniscient well?
Would rapture explode inside my soul?
Would I be loose, or in control?

All of this is part of me
It make me human, sets me free
And just like you I feel it all
Without impudence, without the gall

I live with what this life has dealt
And all the misery I have felt
But I am quite alive inside
As in this illness I abide

I take each day with love and care
And leave behind this dark despair
I reach into the mouth of gladness
Leave behind discordant madness
Rise above what I've been given
Make mine this peace for which I've striven

I can shine right through the gloom
Unfold just like a rose in bloom
And even though I'm quite insane
And there's no cure for this ol' brain
I'll fully live, in love I'll dwell
And sip from that omniscient well

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I Have No Right

Even though I am this way
I count my blessings every day
How everything just works out right
It makes me wonder why I fight

How can I sulk in misery
When all I've wanted came to me?
How can my pain be ocean deep
While people sleep out in the street

Have I no sense to grasp the gold
While homeless freeze out in the cold?
I have no right to scream, "not fair"
While poverty consumes the air

The air the wealthy dare not breathe
A concept they cannot conceive
I have everything I need
And I'm not rich, I must concede

But neither is a bench my bed
I've sweet, warm pillows for my head
How can I claim to be in plight
When everything turns out so right?

Even though I may be ill
I know enough to take a pill
But madness overwhelms my kind
Out in the street, out of their mind

I have no right to be contesting
'Cause all my life has been a blessing
I have not right to claim, "not fair"
With my own kind in true despair

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Just Say It

They gave me some pills
And they gave me my shoes
They gave me my freedom
But I was confused

How can it be
That I'm suddenly "well"
When just days ago
I was trampling through hell

The silence is piercing
Right through my brain
Please somebody say it
Just say "you're insane"

It's better than words
That are left unspoken
It's not like my spirit
Is shattered and broken

If that's what I am
I'll take it in stride
Just come out and say it
Please don't run and hide

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