Paulina's Pick'n'Mix
Through a Tree
I am a child
Where I go after we make love
Rotten World
The Union
After the Love
Saved
Lost Childhood (part 1)
Lost Childhood (part 2)
Snow (my birth)
Suicidal Youth
Before a Suicide Attempt
Overdose
Schizophrenic
Clockworld
The Serpent
I know the truth
Psychward
Cupids Feet
My Father
Dogma
Star crossed lovers
Through a Tree
I woke up today
just as the sun stretched it's golden rays
across the sky
across it's eternal pillow
Realized you werent with me
and I would be alone
as long as the sky lived
and feelings died
I ran down the road
sand like water around my anckles
to the colorful field
untill my longing for you was
spent like my breath
I threw myself on the wet grass
naked without the armor
you wrapped around me
Instead I hugged a tree
isolate
yet powerful
I melted into it's core
and floated behind it's eyes
I saw the connection between
the earth and the sky
the flowers and the weeds
the grasshoppers and the ants
the wheat fields and the cool wind
And the tree
and it's love for life
It's aim to please
like a devoted dog
sacrificing it's comfort for all of us
I felt it's tears on my cheek
And every leaf
is a life wasted
I tried to catch the life before it was a
dead leaf
Too much pain in the aching roots
in MY aching roots
dug so deeply
into your heart.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
I am a child
I am a child.
Becoming the enemy.
Becoming the traitor.
Being pushed down these love-less stairs that wind around you,
My mother.
My father.
Asteroids colliding/volcanoes erupting.
A burnt hole in my every day flesh.
Your battlefield, my tomorrow.
And too bad there is no physical pain.
Your language of hate cuts me open
and I bleed onto your busy hands.
And you still crawl at each other!
Like people in total darkness.
The lies nibble on my ears.
More exposed wounds.
And I will always be the bad kid/lost kid.
And you will always be the bad parent/my parent.
And the road to hell always runs in a circle.
And I always end up, here, in the middle.
Ripped to shreds,
and letting the lies/flies eat me whole.
Because your blood runs in my veins...
But who's...oh god who's ...is thicker?
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Where I go after we make love
Closing the door on your naked, stripped consciousness
I walk barefoot in my snow-white nightgown
spiritually naked, also,
toward the field of post-dreams
disrupting the fresh dew with my feet
like sweat off of your naked body
touching and tasting the air
breathing
awake as much as my body will let me
I lay down on the ground
wet and cold and I shudder
and wait to be taken again
to that powerful place
this time without you
stroking the earth
and burying my face
in the grass
to make love to mother nature
and to come back to you
clean and bathed
like a butterfly
to make you breakfast while you finish dreaming about me
to kiss your chest
wake you up with my soft lips
to start our day together
like newborns
everyday for the rest of our lives.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Rotten World
This world with it's lethal mirrors
and it's untouchable standards
with it's unopened books and laminated covers
With it's fairy tale rebels
and supposed lost appetites
To hell with these waterproof smiles and everlasting youth
We polish our coffins and clean the soil
We pass on the worms because vegetarians are in style
And when they eat away at our flesh we throw money at them
and make another appointment
This world with it's extinct silence
and factory made personalities
This world with all of it's colors but black and white television sets
To hell with naming continents and waving flags in pride
We burn swastikas, propaganda posters, and Jews
We destroy statues, concentration camps, communism, and lives
This world with it's skin money
and bloody jobs
with pre-paid college tuitions
and million dollar coffee beans
We carve Harvard in our foreheads
and run to drug dealers for band aids
We feed on slim fast bars and Jack Daniels
and then we marry our psychologists
To hell with hair dye addictions and tattoo lipsticks
We "save the whales" but smear their fat on our faces
To hell with pompous, drug oozing, society programmed pop stars
We feed them with our adoration and they vomit our money
We start lives in backseats
and end them on abortion tables
This world with it's genocides, homicides, and suicides
With it's sex, sexism, and sexoholics
With it’s wars, bombs, guns, knives, rocks, rock and roll
Will surely destroy itself down to it’s Jesus-Crucifying Core.
~~~~~~~~~~
TopThe Union
Vile filled blood
Vile filled with tears
I give to you
In the forest we got married
to the sun
and to the trees
In His presence we carved our name into each others flesh
and it was right, so right...
I was drunk on rain
soaking up future tears
I never cried
now i water my garden each night...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
After the Love
After the Love (making)
I hear a river of cars
and the old guitars chanting away
and the racket of the dishes when one plate is stolen
the sigh of the sun as it's job nears end
and the door being shut for suspicious privacy
and the traffic of the birds hurrying home to their nests
Where is my nest?
Here? With you?
After the Love
the dial tone symbolizes...the end?
I hear the cats paws scratching the doorway
peeling away layers of paint
I kick layers of life off my body
and wash the remains of our love
in this little waterfall
Clean and naked
I sit on my splintery wooden floor...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Saved
Once Upon a Time,
I was saved,
From a prison of bad dreams,
By a prince,
By you,
We galloped on your horse,
Away from the dreadful place,
Where poison was inside everyone’s heart,
Further from the memories of loneliness,
Closer to the sunset,
Closer to the waterfall of tranquillity,
Almost there,
Bathing in it’s relief,
Than you,
Pushed me off the horse,
I fell into a bottomless pit,
As you galloped away,
Leaving me scared,
Leaving me alone again,
The worst feeling was missing you,
Needing you like a story needs an ending,
For months I laid in my remorse,
Like a wounded soldier in a ditch,
Thinking too much,
Feeling very little,
Until a long came a beggar,
Pulled me out with amazing strength,
Told me about a place where,
Loneliness isn’t torture,
Where love is forever,
Than he took me there himself.
And I slept happily ever after...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Lost Childhood (part 1)
The plastic head tumbled away cracking the last of her innocence,
It stares abandoned as she takes on the bigger toys,
Leaving black thoughts and a dirty mind,
And as the clown stopped smiling at her soul,
She begins to juggle life, even though it lost its colors turning a dull gray,
She's still screaming but no one can hear,
At her touch the teddy bear burns in agony,
And all the pretty girls are now covered with paint,
The pacifier sucked the last of her laughter and was stolen,
The feeling of loneliness is now her blanket,
She keeps looking for a way out but she can't find her self,
What has she lost that was so important?
Poor, poor girl she lost her childhood.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Lost Childhood (part 2)
The breastless doll hangs on my neck
cant walk by herself anymore
flat feet
her ballerina dress tied around her wrists
and she bled
and i was shocked
because she didn't scream
her blood flooded my childhood path
where i left my tiny footprints
where i bathed with pleasure
where raindrops where candy
and when i cut her hair I'll be prettier than her
and if i let her smoke i'll smell prettier than her
and when she opens her legs for pleasure
she'll die just like me...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Snow (my birth)
I came out of winters womb
With the cold's gentle hand provoking my infant cries
I found my first love in ice
Seeing in the long thin diamonds
My red cheeks and a scarlet nose
And I remember the first time I touched snow
Sending shivers down my spine
And a curious feeling of death
I remember two snow angels displayed like artwork
One was mine
The other a stranger's
Shy attempt to make me smile
I laughed at the snowflakes tickling my heart
And threw him on the bed of white
In the winter it gets cold enough to make love
And melt the ice in peoples hearts
I remember birth
I remember winter
But most of all I remember your footprints in the snow.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Suicidal Youth
I will destroy the atoms that move me
and die unnoticed
or drive myself crazy
and live in a world of colorful star gates
And then the world will whisper
about the tragic youth
And the wind will sing for us
while blowing our ashes to the sky
And rain will put out the fires
we left behind
turning our graves muddy
And like ancient artifacts we will decay from peoples minds
All that will be left is our pictures
some smiling, some taken in a fit of rage
But pictures will fade and our eyes will loose their brilliant colors
And our smiles will be unrecognizable
The virgins will go to the left
for their lack of experience in life
The others will go to the right where the sinners wait
But in the end we will all end up nowhere,
even nirvana wont welcome the suicidal youth,
For there is too many of us
dying too fast...
~~~~~~~~~~
TopBefore a Suicide Attempt
My happiness,
so rare, so precious
like a crystal in my pocket,
the stars, God's favorite angels
bless me when they please
to them i'm just an animal with my tongue rolling in ecstatic circles
waiting for a treat
My happiness
is in the hands of absolute beings
who cant feel pain themselves
maybe happiness is an illusion, an eye sore,
maybe i've been knocking on doors that don't exist,
trying to open windows that were never there,
blinking in this dark, sinister world,
the only way to make it real,
to be in control of my state of mind,
is to become a star,
and in the darkness of earth's misery,
shine,
and be so far from the pained world,
where happiness is a reward for misery.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Overdose
Mile after mile
Of torn vains
Wrapped around my naked body,
Drowning in the red sea
Will put an end to all dreams
An end to all nightmares,
But there is still blood on my fingertips,
Not warm,
But ice cold,
Not sweet,
But familiarly bitter,
I see the carpet drowning in my maroon spit
And I feel too weak to swim
I taste mouthfuls of tears
But my eyes are dry,
Images of falling stars flash behind my eyes,
And my body trembles,
In the end I will too become a falling star.
Why not now when they're still rare?
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Schizophrenic
He gave up sanity and logic for mentality,
And his obsession began,
The mad secrets of his mind desperately fighting with reality,
He had his own world in the eyes of the dark,
Explored what others couldn't see because of their sanity,
A naïve passion turned into art,
Painfully touching art,
Then goodness turned to terror,
No one felt his pain when the strange angel had fallen,
The world around him shattered and torn,
His bloody hands digging into reality,
The final step from the sane to the mad.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Clockworld
You wound me up
like the world
I became your machine
obeying you mindlessly
until you abused my love
and my mechanic heart stopped
and exploded into little pieces
rusty with tears
bent with rage
like a beaten dog finally abandoned
I licked my human wounds
stroked the edges of the hole that you once filled with
love
heavy as lead
the power I let you plant inside me wove itself around and in between my steel heart
the circuit simply blew
the machine died
and time stood still forever and a day...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
The Serpent
I found a memory of you
tucked in a MacBeth novel
a pink folded napkin
you were the blue pen artist
you sketched me in my long skirt
with hair straight and flat
my smeared eyeliner dripping down my face
and my clenched fists
I remember when you drew this
at the Sun Cafe
where I told you to meet me
you chose the booth near the window
where I would never sit
because the glass made me uncomfortable
you saw me across the street
if I came to you
it would be for the wrong reasons
so I ran away
away from you
the next day you gave me the MacBeth novel
and I said I didnt love you
how selfish I was!
on the pink napkin you wrote:
"the serpent"
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
I know the truth
The morticians hands
Are old and used
But his garden is breathless
With white lillies
Sprouting a million buds
And butterflies licking their lips
And staues alive with memories
And if you see him cry
You have witnessed a miracle
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Psychward
I'm loosing you,
Soon I will loose my mind,
I need you to stop the bleeding in my heart,
A dark empty river of memories,
I want to speak,
But I'm numb from holding on to you,
Maybe I'm truly in love,
Or just desperate,
Break my heart and I'll eat the pieces,
Bleeding quietly while I wait for you to call,
My name,
You will leave,
My body will freeze in space,
And my heart will shrink into oblivion,
In the mirror my reflection will be an empty,
Lonely soul,
Don't leave me,
Just pity me,
Remember the US,
You abandoned,
For the PSYCHWARD.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Cupids Feet
Cupids feet
Dirtier than my baby's
Still trail mud into people's hearts
Why o why
Has love betrayed us all?
And why is it sitting on my lap
Tempting the fazed
Why o why
Did you surrender your voice?
In your turtle like eyes
I see no response
To my coldness
I drop my stones
As a poet-like human
I'm undecided
And confused
Love is an unguarded fire
So I vow to protect it from now on
From the rain of tears
And from cupid's
Stomping feet...