Gill's Gusto
I'm scared of the dark
I can't take anymore
I hate me, myself
To know the truth
Contradication Restriction
Seasonal Realisation
Bess - my first pet
Life
Nathan
Can motherhood be good?
Megan
Ken
Someone's watching
A Special someone
Should I move on? - Should I forgive?
Your Choice
I'm scared of the dark
There's something there, in the dark; it's coming to get me!
Keep covered, keep still - it won't see, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep.
I can feel my heart beating, it can hear, it's going to find me!
Why won't it go away? don't let it come near!
I'm frightened - I want my mummy, I'm alone..go to sleep, go to sleep, it's ok now
you're safe, go to sleep......
But it's there in the dark; I can't see, I can't hear!
The shadows are moving, there's somebody there! go to sleep, it's okay
But I'm frightened, I can't sleep, it's dark, my fingers, my toes, they're hidden
Pull the covers up tight, it will soon be morning
But I'm scared of the dark, why won't mummy come? mummy please come!
There's something there in the dark; it's coming to get me!
Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep...........
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
I can't take anymore
I'm not really sure of how I feel,
Is the life I'm now living; ficticous or real?
Am I know feeling better; am I happy or sad?
Am I outwardly "normal', am I crazy or mad?
Are my symptoms improving? it's just one big joke!
Sometimes I "feel" better, still people provoke
Are the tablets I'm taking, now helping or not?
Should I cease medication, do I need them or what?
I ask people questions, but nobody knows
I hate all the set-backs; the to's and the fro's!
I think of the future - but still I'm not sure
Will I ever be normal?
For I can't take anymore...!!!
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
I hate me, myself
Nobody can hurt me; more than I hurt inside
And nobody can hurt me more than I,
No one can cry; the tears I have cried
And no one will know how much I long to die.
Never have I seen someone feeling so low,
And never have they felt my pain.
If only someone could hear the voice I choose not to show
It would not seem like my whole life has been in vain
Nobody can hurt me; more than I hurt inside
And nobody can hurt me more than I,
If only I felt I didn't need to hide,
If only I felt I didn't need to die....
Never have I seen someone feeling so low,
And never have they felt my pain.
With only so many people to see; places to go
Have I found the right help?
Will I ever feel well again???
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
To Know The Truth
Do I want to know anymore? to know the truth?
To remember would be too painful wouldn't it
Like the pain of childbirth, the pain I've felt before!
Like the knife cutting, hurting.
I don't want to know anymore!
Do I want to know anymore, to know the truth?
As a baby, did I feel pain, did I?
Was I older, 3, 4 or more?
Something pushing, pressing, forcing, hurting!
I remember that hurt, it's hurting
Do I want to know anymore? to know the truth?
Who hurt me so bad that I stopped hurting?
I'm not there! I don't want to be there!
I don't want to remember! I'm not hurting, I'm not!
There's more!, I know there's more!
I do remember something, something in the darkness....
Do I want to know anymore? to know the truth?
I'm floating, soaring high, I'm watching!
Like the pain of childbirth, the pain I felt but didn't
Somethings inside me, deep inside
It's hurting, it's not!
I'm not there
I'm not here
It's too painful to remember!
As a baby so small, I want to be held
As an innocent child, I want to feel close
But it's all wrong
I don't want to be held!
Leave me along, don't touch me
Don't hold me, don't hurt me!
Do I want to know anymore? to the know the truth?
Am I afraid?, was I afraid? I was alone
I can't breathe, I'm crying but can't, I won't!
It will soon be over, I'm not here, I'm not
It's a dream, it's only a dream, see mummy's here
Go to sleep, it's okay, mummy's here, I'm safe....
Go to sleep, it's okay, mummy's here, I'm safe....
My eyes are closed, I'm calm now.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Contradication Restriction
The loneliness surrounds me as I turn to face the crowd.
The softly playing music seems so quiet but yet too loud.
Their arms reach out to hold me but they're pushing me away.
My mind begins to wander, have I the courage now to stay?
The walls around me crumble as my prison starts to form.
An icy chill; it fills my soul - whilst all around is warm.
The silence of their laughter shakes the room, but all is still.
I urge them all to go, but they should stay and always will.
The atmosphere is heavy whilst the conversations light.
It feels so wrong to speak the truth, but now I know its right.
I start to cry; emotions suppressed,my smile it hides the sadness, though Im inwardly depressed.
Its time to face the music as the volume starts to fade.
I try to blame the others, but my own problems I have made.
I will retreat, though moving on, from thinking life was over; I know my journeys just begun.
I close the door to time gone by and open doors ahead.
Its time I started living-no more wishing I was dead???...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Seasonal Realisation
Sometimes the clouds seem darker than grey; and thunder starts to roar.
Internal attributions to a raging personal war.
The rainbows brightest colours start to melt beneath the tears;
As the lightening highlights problems lying dormant through the years.
The crashing rain; occasional snow, reveal an icy past;
The weakest creatures; young or old:t his storm may be their last!
You face the cold with hidden strength, and search for rays of hope.
The devastation left behind, as we question how to cope.
BUT every storm cloud hides blue sky; like tears they leave no trace.
As each new day decides our fate, this cruel world sets lifes pace...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Bess - my first pet
Lasting friendships hard to find, the one you know is true,
A lifetime bond that's joined with love, the kind you know is few.
That special one to share your dreams, when others just don't care,
A friendly face that brings a smile, when life seems hard to bare.
A friend you know will give you time, when problems just appear,
An understanding prescence, always there to wipe a tear.
The one to share those special times, is there throughout the years,
The one to give you comfort from all those childhood fears.
And so with this I fondly state, that its not hard to guess,
My friend for life, you cant replace, just has to be my BESS...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Life
Every inch of life is a hill to climb, a hill without a peak.
Or a stepping stone that drifts away, our patience getting weak.
A street that seems to have no end, with nowhere else to turn.
A wishing well that grants no wish, whilst hope is all I yearn.
A rainbow - theres no pot of gold, and colours always fade.
A stream too wide to bridge the gap, too treacherous to wade.
But life can sometimes turn out right, the good can outweigh bad.
It's for these times we strive to live, for life we must be glad???
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Nathan
The futures looking brighter, now my little boy has grown,
His birth brought endless problems; if only I'd have known...
But now he's bringing pleasure ,and I regret the time I've lost,
He's become my life; my everything - but what about the cost?
Will he remember all my sadness, and the times I used to cry?
Will he remember mummy shouting - will he ask the reason why?
Will he know he was resented, will his life reflect the past?
Although he now is wanted, are these new feelings meant to last?
I get comfort from his laughter, and his closeness brings me hope;
He doesn't doubt or question, my ability to cope!
Will he blame me for his fears, will he speak of time gone by?
Although I doubted that I loved him ,will he know I'd always try?
Have I now conquered all my battles? will my baby bring me joy?
Can I accept my torments over, can I now LOVE my little boy?
The future seemed so pointless; my life it seemed so grim!
But now my futures brighter, as I realise I do love him...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Can motherhood be good?
What do I feel, about my own creation?,
Love and warmth, hope and joy or pain and devastation.
These first few years, are they the best?
Though angry, tormented, demented, depressed!
They say things improve, but patience wears thin,
An unceasing battle that rages within.
The tempers and tantrums and tears provoke,
Another drink spilt, another dish broke.
The screaming, the rages, the kicking and biting;
Nipping and scratching, sulking and fighting.
Is this what we live for? Is this what we gain?
Achieving no more than heartache and pain?
They say persevere and things will work out,
As we scream and we cry,and we smack and we shout!
Six long years have gone, for my baby I yearn,
For the clocks to go back, for the tables to turn.
Will things ever seem easy, and natural and right?
My heart filled with love, not turmoil and spite.
Things can only get better,as other mums say;
So for now have the courage to face each new day.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Megan
Am I now dreaming that what I now hold,
Is a beautiful daughter, with hair spun of gold.
With eyes of blue, and skin soft and fair,
I'm so lucky to have her, of that I'm aware.
A new baby to treasure, to cherish, and love,
A beautiful gift that's been sent from above.
Can I now believe that she's perfect and true?
For my daughter Megan - I will always love you!
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Ken
For once I feel my life's complete,
The future looking bright;
The hope, the joy, the happiness and
Everything just right!
For once my heart is filled with love,
The kind I'd like to share,
As I take this chance to warmly state,
How much I've grown to care.
For once the dark has turned to light,
And problems now are few,
As I fondly learn to realise how my
Love has grown for you.
For once I've met that special one,
I've found my pot of gold.
Just to have you by my side each day,
To kiss, caress, to hold.
For once I'd like to give my love,
And hope you'd feel as strong.
As I know for once I'd give my life;
If to you I could belong...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Someone's watching
The anger grows stronger, the pain builds inside,
Losing count of the number of times you have cried.
An option is needed, the options unclear,
No more can you take this - you ve cried your last tear!
The future uncertain, your heart filled with doubt,
You question and wonder what lifes all about.
The struggle is over, no hills left to climb,
Exhausted with trying - you'll end it this time!
You stand on the edge of that cliff looking down,
As you weigh up the options, your face wears a frown.
You know someones watching, and that persons near,
But theyre urging you forwards - increasing the fear.
As death seems the answer - that last step you take,
Towards endless peace,from this nightmare you'll wake.
You know someones watching,you'd hope that they'd care,
But too late you're falling, too late you despair!
A hand reaches out as your feet start to slide,
They pull you to safety, they act as your guide.
Confiding in someone, you're filled with new hope,
A new path is chosen ,a new way to cope.
You know someone's watching, they stand by your side,
The options are clearer - no more must you hide.
For now life's the answer, you're finding your way,
For now someone's helping you live for the day...
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
A Special someone
It takes a special someone; to stay when most would go,
To ask of problems left unsolved; when most choose not to know.
It takes a special someone; to take on board your fears,
To hear that inner voice of pain; which no-one ever hears.
It takes a special someone; to help all those in need,
A counsellors role is special; it takes a special one indeed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top
Should I move on? - Should I forgive?
How often must I shout help before someone might hear?
Must I write it across my face with the ink of a tear?
How many times must I lie awake at night and cry?
Will I be happy one day; one day before I die?
How will I know that my battles are won - that I may live?
Should I move on - should I forgive?
How often must I ASK for the help of a stranger or friend?
Do I need help? do I want for this turmoil to end?
How many times must I hide away when feeling low?
Will you help me look to the future; will you stay?-dont go!
How will I know where to go - what to do?
Ive learnt that the people I can trust are few!
How often must I "scream" for this nightmare to end?
Must I stand on the rooftops? - please help me friend!
It takes courage to stay alive you say - but it takes courage to die!
Will I be happy one day - or must I always cry?
How will I know its all over? that I may start to live?
Should I move on-should I forgive?
GOD SAW THE RUGGED PATHWAY WAS GETTING HARD TO CLIMB,
SO HE GENTLY CLOSED THOSE EYELIDS AND WHISPERED PEACE BE THINE...