Gary's Gift

Often i sit down and think,
Of times when i started to sink.
The depths of despair came first,
Came along and quenched my thirst.
They dragged me down,away from the thunder
And the clouds i was living under.
They constantly darkened all my days,
I tried in so many different ways,
To overcome them and their curse on me.
I shouldn't have to as i'm only 16!

This has been happening for about 2 years,
Everything has been dragged out.
All my inner thoughts and fears.
Only i know what they're all about.

Sometimes i scare people,not meaning to,
But if i do,then i do.
There's nothing i can do about it,
Even if it is my sh*t!

~~~~~~~~~~

It's cold today,
How i feel today.
I want to warm up,
But how can i when i feel this way?

No-one gives a damn,
About who and what i am.
No-one gives a damn,
About how i feel.

I can't help the way i am,
Other people don't see this though,
I can't stay feeling this way,
It'll make me ill (again).
Maybe that's it :-
Maybe i'm supposed to be ill,
Maybe i'm supposed to be unhappy all my life,
Maybe it was intended for me to be suicidal.
Who can tell me otherwise?

I thought life was different now,
But how wrong can i be?!
My life can never change.
If it carries on,this way,
I will never find the "Real Me",

The question is,though, :- Do i want to?!

~~~~~~~~~~

I have to listen to these voices,
I have no other choices.
If life has a meaning
I would like to know what's mine?
(I hate this not knowing feeling)!
For this answer i do pine.

My life is broken,
Feels like i've been ripped open.
I live to my near death.
Some would say it's for the best.

Too many people try & help me,
So why is it still darkness i see,
Tension & pressure i feel?
I don't call this a very fair deal.

I try to call people on my phone,
So why the hell do i still
Feel so alone?

My life is nothing,zero,nil!!

~~~~~~~~~~

I've been told to read the bible,
To find the answers I'm looking for.
But doing this makes me suicidal,
'Cause all the answers that I need,
Are behind closed, locked doors.

I don't believe it anyway,
If I carried on reading it, it'd feel like...
"Just another day".

Now that evil has been planted in my head,
(In the form of very small seeds),
I might as well be dead!
In a funny sort of way,
All this pain inside me, will forever stay.
Not by MY choices,
But in my head, the voices.
These voices talk to me, I listen,
They say the "otherside" glistens.
I so want to be there,
So 'bout nothing I can care.

That'll be so good,
A place where I can taste my own blood,

And not have to worry about a single thing.

~~~~~~~~~~

As I Slip Further Into Depression

Pain crawls along my skin.
It's crawling all over me,
Come from deep within.
It's there 'cos it has to be.
There's nowhere else for it,
No-body else to take this shit,
Just me and myself.
I'll have to fight this
Or it'll kill me.

I need a kiss,
A kiss of death...
That's what i need!

~~~~~~~~~~

I pick and scratch
At this great big gash.
I never want it to heal.
It tells me life is real,
It tells me I am real.
Without it I'm not me.
I'm anybody but me.
I'm somebody else.

It'll be my permanent reminder
Of when I was my own minder.
Not very trustworthy was I?
All I ever did, to people, was lie.
How did I feel?
Awful enough to never let me heal.

~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up every morning and look in my mirror,
I see my reflection, my future,
Dark, bleak and misty.
But no-one else sees what I see.
They see 'only me', nothing else,
But I can (see other things).
I can see the clouds, the thnderstorms, the darkness,
The blood,the cuts and the death (of me).
Can I believe what I see?
Of course I can.
It's my life im seeing.
I'm seeing my life in front of me.

What can I do to not look into my future?
I can join it, (the vision in front me).
By walking through it, to be there.
So I'm not looking into it anymore.
I'm living there trying to be happy.

Now I wake every morning and look OUT of my mirror.

~~~~~~~~~~

This is not a dream,
As it seems,
But this is a nightmare,
That scares me every night.
I wake up every morning feeling like shite!
I couldn't tell you what it's all about,
As it freaks me out!
It's so frightening,
I feel my chest tightening.
And i begin to choke,
Like Im on c*ke
Without a fix.
I dont feel like this just for kicks.

They can't stop these tears from falling
Down my face from my eyes.
They say they can't hear me calling,
But I think it's all lies!

It's so hard to live,
So much easier to die.
The last thing I have to do...
...is say goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~

Darkness rains upon my head,
Telling me I should be dead.
My life here is dead and done,
Never again will I see the sun.

I've been depressed for quite some time,
And lying to people, saying life's just fine.
It's been happening for a very long while,
Never once have I seen me smile.

Why does life have to be like this?
It is something I did not wish.
Family & friends do not know,
Now's the time I have to go.

~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like I'm slipping away,
Each and everyday.
I don't care anymore,
I'm just looking through that open door.
I'm gonna die anyway,
What difference will it make?

Life has always been bad.
Happiness is something I've never had.
No-one will care,
That I'm not here but there.
So I'll slit this wrist fast,
And make the bleeding last.

I hate this life,
It's nothing but strife.
There's nothing in this life I'll miss.

Anything's better than this!

~~~~~~~~~~

I punched holes in the wall,
'Cos I was made to feel so small.
I wanted to stand up,show my pride.
But all I did was cried.

Seeing myself covered in blood,
Made me feel so good.
This is when I learnt to cry.
If I could turn back time,
This life, again,would be mine.

As I cut the circulation,
I look at the laceration,
My self-mutilation.
What have I done?
It's not any fun.
My only escape is to run.

My life is just a farce,a joke.
Now my soul is completely broke.
And now I have lost all hope.

In this life I feel so alone.
Without a heart, I must have grown.
My happiness and smiles must have flown.

I just want to say "goodbye",
As I know, I will soon die,
'Cos my life here...

...Has been denied.

~~~~~~~~~~

The best thing about dying,
Is the fact that you don't have to keep trying
To prove something to people,
People who, only you, see as evil.
They criticise everything you do,
But really they don't have a clue
What you're going through.

In society I'm just a number,
Probably another mistake,
Another blunder for everyone to hate.

Not making a sound
I'll slowly slip away.
I'll probably end up in "lost & found",
Which, like my life is...
...Dull & cloudy everyday.

Why do I have to live so long?
Maybe I don't want to.
Perhaps me being here is wrong.
It's up to me what I do.
Maybe I want to die.
My life's so measly.
I'll just have to say goodbye.
It'll just be so easy.

~~~~~~~~~~

I need to live again,
No need to panic,
Break all these chains
Surrounding me, it's manic.
They isolate me,
From the people & things I love,
It's not the way it should be.
I need to be lifted high above,
Away from all this pain and anger.
So through the forest
I'll take a wander,
To give my invaded mind a rest.
Hopefully it'll work,
Make me feel so much better,
Ridding me of my hurt.
My tears are now wetter
Whereas before they were dry,
When i relied upon the knife,
To help me die,
To help me end my life.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am dead, cold, hard and helpless,
Mouth wide open, gauping at something,
While eyes are staring into space.
I'm starting to look like wrinkled sand.
I've been thrown onto ropes and old rusty chains.

While I'm lying there dead as can be,
Those chains are digging into me.
I'm so helpless just lying there still.
Nobody can help me now.

I was once walking round in the sunshine,
With lots of other people.
Now I am dead and rotting on the cold stone floor.
Soon, I'll be a skeleton...

...And finally will rot away to nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~

All the time I seem to fight,
The darkness of the night.
The little colour from me has drained,
Probably, I'll be the one who's blamed.
I feel like I live in a world that's framed,
Hard to understand, I know.
Some think I've gone insane,
While others think this is just a game.

Just looking at this knife,
And seeing the edge so sharp,
Makes me think 'bout life,
And also 'bout my broken heart.
So I slice my skin,
Set free from inside,
All this pain from deep within.

~~~~~~~~~~

Born to live,
Live to die,
Pain is the only thing I give,
I could just cry.
So I'll cut myself,
And watch my blood pour,
Like a stream down the side of a mountain,
Causing a flood through an open door,
It permanently spurts like a fountain.
It'd only stop if I could.
I'll then dance on my grave.
People'll say I was a coward,
But they'll also say I was brave.
Then their real thoughts about me flowered.

What can I say about my life,
Apart from it represents the night?,
Dark, black and scary.
I have these things whizzing round in my head,
Such as questions, devils and faries,
All saying I should be dead,
And pushing me the wrong way.
But what can I say?
I can't argue with them. They tell me what to do,
And where to go,
But that's a place I dont want to know!
I might as well live in a room,
Paint it black,
And call it 'My Tomb'.
Because I know one day soon,
I'll be in a strange one,
One I don't know or like.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I feel so lonely,
And think "what can I do?"
Sometimes I think "if only
I had someone to talk to".
If it did happen, it would all be clearer,
And people would be so much nearer.
But it's not and they are so far away.
If only I could find another way.

It's like self-abduction,
I've taken myslf far away.
Turned to self-destruction,
It's probably the only way,
To break free from this lonely life.
Or I could just turn to the knife,
And bleed myself dry,
Knowing and waiting...

...for me to die.

~~~~~~~~~~

Why do I hate myself?
All my feelings and emotions
Are better left upon the shelf
It's like they are my evil potions.
They're up there day and night,
During both I seem to fight,
With people very close to me
Especially me.
Eventually I give up,
So with this knife I cut,
My arms,legs and my chest
Hoping it is for the best.
Out flows blood,then the pain,
Like my body is a drain.

As I take the knife once more
(to my wrist)
I slowly fall to the floor
(this feels just like bliss).
And as I take my last breath,
Thinking 'bout "The Other Side"
What awaits me? (My death).
I do this so I dont destroy my pride.
The last word I say - "Goodbye"
So as my body finally does cease,
Those words on my stone...

...Rest In Peace.

~~~~~~~~~~