In August 1987 I moved to St. George's in Edinburgh, this change brought about an immense 'high'......I think it was just a novelty emotion, something new, fresh, new friends, new place etc. I had no idea of the amount of hard work that would be involved in a school that has a good exam reputation and I soon realised this when I started lessons. It was decided that I would only study for 3 Highers instead of the standard 5, this sounded fine to me and something I thought I could manage, BUT, having done so badly in my O'levels I think I overestimated my ability to study and work hard through my misery. I loved the school and the way we were treated as adults and respected and had great freedom and enjoyment, this was what had been missing at my previous school, but despite this I was heading for disaster. I couldn't keep up with the work and had to get extra early morning lessons to catch up. I'd sit at my desk in my room and stare at the walls, nothing would sink in and in reality I had not left anything behind from my previous school.

In Nov 1987 I went out one weekend with my boyfriend at the time, we had a good night, I had some drinks and then got a taxi to my mum's to stay the night before going back to school. Sunday afternoon I eventually got up, mum was going out to a Jewellery show. I had a bath, got dressed and sat down and listened to some music. I have no idea what came over me, but the sudden and devastating urge to die came over me. My thoughts were all negative, where was I going with my life, what could I achieve, why was I not happy, I couldn't go on any longer. I went to my mums bathroom cabinet and took whatever was there, an assortment of pills, I took them all.......and sat down on the chair. After about 15 minutes my face starting going red and boiling up........I got scared, very scared, I wanted to die but I also wanted help. I rang 999 and told them what I had done, the ambulance came to my mums house and her neighbour came over wondering what was happening. I collapsed as they tried to get me to stand, so they put me on a stretcher and took me to the local hospital to get my stomach pumped. My mum was phoned, she fainted when she was told what I had done. My dad got the first plane up to Edinburgh and they both came to see me later that night. I was so ashamed and embarressed by what I had done, I cried a lot, was sick most of the night and was very very confused by my emotions and feelings. I wasn't able to express myself and why I had done what I'd done to the nurses and doctors, nothing made sense to me. The next day I had to see the duty SHO psychiatrist, nothing much was said, I just didn't know, he wanted to see on an out-patient basis every 4-6 weeks or so to try and support me. I was discharged and went back to mum's to stay. My family and my mum and dad had a discussion about where we would go from here.......should I leave school, go to college, stay and try and work things out. As far as my family were aware it was the school work that was getting me down, no one had any experience of mental health problems and even I had no idea if I'd recover from this setback. I didn't know I was depressed.....I didn't even know what depression was. I was told it was an adolescent thing and that I'd get over it, just part of growing up. Isn't hindsight great!!

So, I went back to school after talking to the headmistress about what had happened. They said they'd support me all they could and if I took another overdose I'd have to leave, especially if I did it at the boarding house. It was at this time I started my diary, I think it was the only way I could express myself, I was terrible at talking about how I felt and all these feelings and emotions were jumping about in my head I had to have an outlet somewhere..............this is the beginning of my diary

8th November 1987 - Overdose, admitted to Bangour Hospital
9th November - Saw Psychiatrist, Dr W
10th November - Mum & Dad picked me up at 5pm from hospital
15th November - Went back to school
19th November - Saw GP
28th November - Lorretto Ball
30th November - 8.20am Maths Exam
9th December - Saw Psychiatrist

22nd November - 13th December, Aged 16

The comfort and contentment of a hospital bed, who would say yes to that, not many. It's a crazy thought when you could have that comfort and contentment at home. I did, then something inside me snapped. You are closed away, not having to face anything, it's a great feeling at the present time. What I had done didn't hit me until I stepped back out into the open world, I realised then why I had done it.........or did I?

I said it was everything, but people tend to ask "what's everything?", I then go back into my shell and say "I don't know", I wish I did know, I want to know, I've asked myself that question over and over again since I came out of hospital, but I still can't answer it. When I'll find out I'll never know. I sank as I walked out of the door, did I really expect that I would walk out of here without any damage done. People sneer at you and say "you didn't really want to kill yourself, you just wanted to cause a scene etc.", those kind of people make me very angry, especially when they say "just think of those people who are starving etc. you don't know how lucky you are", that's the most hurtful statement I've ever known. The fact is everybody moans, grumbles and complains about this world, some more that others, but that's the way we are. If everybody went around saying that, we'd all have nervous breakdowns worrying how lucky we are, the fact is I know how lucky I am, I have many things in this world, comfort and luxury, many things people dream of, but who's to say I'm the happiest, why do people think the wealthy are the happiest, I can grumble if I want. Many people have asked me if I'd do it again, I've said no, but I'm not going to lie to myself, so I'd have to say yes, that deep down I would, but I probably won't, it will just have to stay in my mind. I couldn't stand the pain, the stomach pump, I was relieved when I was treated for the pain, but mentally I wanted to die. If someone asked me what my favourite hobby was I'd have to say thinking. I love and sometimes hate thinking. I can sit for hours thinking and yet sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking about. Half my day at school is spent thinking. I find I do nothing at school and find it easier to stand and nod or shrug my shoulders than to talk. I want to do well at school, but I can't make myself and I avoid anything that has to be learnt or leave it out. Sometimes I think my head is too crammed full of my own thoughts and that I just don't want anything else to intrude. I wonder if any other people think the way I do? I came back to school after a few days off, I felt no different. Everyone has been saying " come and talk if you feel like that again", but I know I won't talk?, about what?, I can't just walk in and say "Hi, I'm depressed", because they'll just say "why?", but I don't know why. What kind of person am I? Many people couldn't believe what I'd done, because they said I always look happy, laughing and smiling. It's become harder to do that recently and yet I still do it. Sometimes I'm so depressed I could collapse in a heap and burst into tears, and yet I grin, why? Am I happy or am I sad?, one thing though is people don't want to know you if you're depressed, quiet, so I hate being like that, and hate showing it. I never let anyone see me cry unless I have a particular reason, because if I'm depressed and I start crying then they'll say "what's wrong with you?", and you say " I don't know", then they just feel helpless, why do people expect you to have a reason behind everything?. When I went to the school doctor the other day, I was crying, but as soon as I came out I made myself stop, even though I could feel it at the back of my throat. I just went back to my lesson, hoping nobody would notice, they didn't. I messed around and talked and yet I could have gone to the doctors and done it again, why? One thing I have never written down or told anybody, but I make myself write it down here, maybe I think of it as very babyish and immature and I would like to know what it is, whether I was depressed even then. I think it started off with arguments, family arguments, I used to hate them. If I had a argument or heard one (especially between my dad and step-mum, which happened frequently) I would burst into tears, if they told me off, I would cry, I was sensitive. Frequently when I was younger at night I would look out of my window onto the main road, and watch the cars going by, the trees fluttering in the breeze, and I would cry so hard that I would fall back on my bed and go straight to sleep with exhaustion. I wanted to cry out to somebody in the street, a passing car, an animal, and scream for them to save me. I wished for the sky to swallow me up and take me away to a fairy tale land full of colours and peace. The final feeling I felt was why was I living?, I felt so bad. It slowly got worst until about a year ago, teachers, dad, anybody telling me off, arguing, shouting and I would feel a lump in my throat. I could have burst into tears, but not in front of everyone, at night. It's amazing what darkness does to you. I love the nights, yet I was so unhappy that all I could do to let this unhappiness out was to cry just about all night. Usually I felt better afterward, but not anymore. I dread everyday and I long for the nights where I can shut myself away in my thoughts. Even though this "thing" has got worse, my life is surely slightly better than it was, and is better by far than most people. so why am I like this? I hate school, not this school, any school, it's the struggle of not achieving what I want, and why did everyone come to the conclusion that it was school that make me do it, "come to me if you need help", I don't need help, I just can't stand school in general, maybe it's not school but just the way I'm feeling as it's so hard to cope with school just now and I've just got to live with it for the time being until I leave. . Everybody says I'm lucky to have such a nice family who want to help, but I'll never speak to them if I feel down, and funny enough I will never even try to speak to my mum and dad, they're too close to me, I sort of feel silly, I don't know why. When dad came up for the weekend recently I was exactly the same, and however hard I try it still won't change I know that. He asked me if anything was troubling or disturbing me, probably lots of things were, but my mind went blank and I said, "no, nothing really is". It's just everything, but what's everything, I still can't answer that question. I just want all of them to leave me alone, but what do I mean by that?, what I really want is a place of my own, somewhere where I can get out and about. Maybe I'm a loner deep inside, and on the outside I'm bubbly and outgoing. I find it such a strain talking to them, it's as if I can't be bothered. One thing I love doing is sitting at night time when all the lights are on, on a bench in he middle of Princess Street and watching everybody, by myself, not saying a word, just thinking what they are doing with themselves, where are they going?. I see a beggar rummaging in a dustbin, I pity him for the night is cold and then he lies on a bench and curls up. I wonder what kind of Christmas he will have?. Everyday is another day and I hate it, the beggar probably hates it even more, but I still hate it, the way he feels doesn't change the way I feel, in fact it makes me feel worse, because I can't help him, and to think there are millions more like him. Now I don't feel as though it's happened and because I don't I could do it again. In a way I'm afraid that I will, but less sympathy is given the second time if it doesn't work, not that I want sympathy, I'll just get hassle, so it has to work. If it works then there won't be sympathy, just one great big upset. During these spells I find it hard to do anything, effortless, negative. The only solution to these spells is to confront them and do something with it, but what can you do with your mood?. A lot of the time I listen to my headphones, it shuts reality out for a while. The nights are illusory, I think about a lot of things in the past, present and future. Doing away with myself raises it's head in moments of despair. Can you hear my silent scream?.

13th December - 9th January 1988

I've spent the whole evening trying to get rid of things in my head, I've wasted a lot of time sitting here doing nothing, but I couldn't concentrate on anything tonight, my homework just looks at me. I am trying to understand what is going on inside me, my thoughts aren't concentrating on the one thing, they move around swirling in my head. I put all these feelings down on paper thinking that it's a load of rubbish that I'm writing, but it's important for me to write, I need to write. Sometimes I feel alive but the physical reality is of desperation within my mind, my mind wonders onto the future, wondering what there is, even though we've discussed what is going to happen with my dad, I can't come to face it. I feel frustrated, so tired and weary with life. People talking do not stimulate me, I am going through internal conflict. On the surface I'm very plausible to people and I am doing my everyday things, but underneath there are stirrings that have an insight to nothing. The strange thing about writing my thoughts on all of this is that it is so inadequate. I gain some insight, my moods come out and are difficult and destructive. Night after night I go to bed early and waken to start facing and re-thinking about everything again, I sit where I left off the night before, repeating and repeating myself and my daily functioning round and round in circles like a tornado in my head. The reality of life is that as I sit here my friends come in and out asking questions and talking, I feel as though I could curl up on bed and sleep until the earth crumbles. There was a time when things that now hurt me never would have as I would have been insensitive to them, is sensitive such a bad thing?. Where do I go from here?, it's all a matter of choice. What am I considering?, it's not a big thing, closing my eyes and leaving, a deep sleep into darkness, leaving the day and night behind, life draining out of my while body and entering the unknown. Why am I thinking of doing it?, so weary of the struggle and the pain of my past and present life. Tomorrow, I know what it holds, I will speak to the same people, look around at the same world and look for the same escape. I feel that I have done everything that is necessary, made my contribution and the continuance is unimportant. Having spent some time writing and thinking I am no further forward in bringing out my despair to the surface. These thoughts are only a fragment of everything that is in my head. It's only when I speak to people that I get a proper feeling of how deep I am in the despair I am feeling, so far that you could shout at me and I could feel only an echo. Music is my companion for the moment. My spirit has left me, a magical life that would take me out of the depths of despair in the past, it seems I am far away from that now. Others must experience the same emotions as me and yet we don't talk to each other about it, I sit here and feel alone because I think that others won't understand what I'm going through. Who would totally understand these emotions of such gravity, and because I feel others won't understand I am conditioned not to share these feelings with others. I feel lost, lost because having gone over everything that I possibly could I am left with the same feelings of helplessness. This is a time when I should be pleased that dad has sorted everything out for me, but no, I don't feel anything, superficial. Still struggling with each moment of the day. Feel lost in the myriad of corridors within myself, I feel as though I am in my head and my writing I need to reflect in some small measure what I feel. Pieces of my life are brought to the surface. Painful though it may be, there has to be an understanding of what we are doing. I am locked into this crisis where I am questioning my continuance as a human being. What do the days ahead hold for me, can I pick myself up from the floor, scooping up the millions of scattered pieces and face the nothingness of tomorrow. The writing can only reflect a surface image of what is going on. Feelings, those parts that we all try to hide from each other. The shame, jealousy, guilt and insecurity, our inferiority. Who can put on the most convincing mask to hide the inner turmoil. It's all about chasing illusions that don't really exist. There was a point this morning when I believed that something had lifted, taking the weight off me. It was a moment of optimism simply because I had reached a depth last night that had me almost touching the ground, but inspite of this, the weight returned this morning. It's the weight of life and the price of being alive. I cannot experience this sort of thing and remain unscathed. The fragmentation I can feel and I wonder if it will ever heal. I am shocked at the intensity of the experience and utterly bewildered by it. The faces of those around me, the feelings that I have about the faces are tiring. I am living in a world on constant change, and yet the sameness and repetitiveness of each day eats into me, and so to the beginning of another day. This morning I wakened and immediately wanted to pull the covers over my head and blot what the day ahead was bringing. Despite this I dragged myself out, feeling physically exhausted. This morning I lay awake with my mind in turmoil and asking myself why, why must I be subjected to the intense psychological pressure. I want to sit here into the early hours of the morning and try to write what I feel. How is it possible to write about this pain, this searing stab that lives through my mind, body and soul?. It's not a pain that touches one specific part, permeates every little fibre in every little way. The boiling emotions within me at this moment has an intensity that is bordering on bursting point. I just want to close my blazing eyes and prevent the overspill of emotion. I just can't go on. Despair is within me that I sat for a long spell in a daze desiring to have a nervous breakdown or something. I sat there in that condition, dazed, numbed and near to tears. This is what I hate about myself at times like this, I keep going and live through this torturous situation. Even though I did it once, I'm surprised I didn't do it ages ago. My life was worse by the intensity of my thoughts were less, maybe that's the reason why. Just what am I going to do with this heaving knot inside me. The long drawn out hours take their toll in the form of mental depression which affects me physically also. The raw bleeding part of me wants to howl and scream at the pain of it all, and the exterior facade that prevents an unruffled face. You reach a point where you just have to turn around and find something positive to focus on, pull yourself together, make the effort, start again and face it, whatever it is, and I must say I am no clearer about this just that the numbness continues, with these powerful emotions in my mind and body. I am having to ease their movements and yet I know there is a part of me colliding with this. There is part of me wanting to experience all the emotional trauma of the situation so that I have lived it. Thinking about the misfortunes of others doesn't usually help us feel better about ourselves. I have just been to a pop concert, it was brilliant. It's as though everything that you have been worrying about disappears, just while the music is playing, I suppose it's like plugging into an extra loud Walkman, but as soon as you leave everything comes back, you try and think back to what it was like, you think of nothing. You can't believe you were actually there. The thing that makes me feel happy are brilliant at the time, but you can't believe they happened, it feels unreal and because of that you can't believe that you were happy, you can't remember what it was like.

Holidays - I feel as though I've never been at school, I forget about school, the people, the work. But then when I'm at school I never feel as though I've been on holiday, it's such an awful feeling. When I go back to school I will never believe that I was in Tenerife for my holiday, you've experienced it but it's like a dream. I suppose it's all to do with reality. One thing I've felt over the past few days before breaking up and now on holiday, is that I know it wouldn't affect me in the slightest if I never saw my family again, it's such an unpleasant feeling, but that's the way I feel. When I was at school in England I always couldn't wait to see my mum, but after I had seen her a week that was enough, and when I'm in Scotland I can't wait to see dad, but I've come to the point now where I don't want to see any of them. Today we broke up for the holidays, I've done nothing all day except be tired and wait for the day to end. It's dragging along in my mind. The frustration begins when I get to mums, trying to organise her packing at 12:15am, it's like a nightmare. I've been up since 6:30am, and we've just arrived at the hotel, 9am. I haven't felt anything today, just tired, yet I couldn't sleep, tearful and feel that I can't be bothered with the whole thing. Mum and I are sharing a room for two weeks, I wonder how that will go down. I can't bothered to talk, I had a lovely day just lying in the sun listening to my Walkman, not talking to anyone. Maybe my true personality is a loner, but, I do like going to discos, night-clubs, having a drink with friends and dancing, but I never say much, I just love the music and the dancing. Mum has been talking most of the day, I've just been answering one word answers, her talk tends to bore me. She has suggested excursions which sound wonderful, but I can't be bothered to go on them, I just want to lie in the sun all day. We've been out with friends to some evening things hoping they would boost me up, trying to pull myself together and make myself join in, but they don't really work. Everything is sorted out about the problems with the future, home life and school, dad made me promise I wouldn't do it again, I've said yes mainly because, he said if I'd said no, then he would be worried all the time and I would probably have to leave school, because of the pressure put on them, mind you it's mum that has stirred all that up, she been phoning the housemistress quite a bit, worrying her, she is complicating things and winding her up, which doesn't really help matters much. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm playing at. Gran was very disturbed at what I had done, dad told me that she thought I could trust her and talk to her, probably everybody feels like that, but it's tough luck because that's the way I am. Mum went away on a full day excursion, I felt very relieved and I love the peacefulness of the whole day and doing what I wanted without mum asking me what I was doing every second. She's one person who makes mistaken assumptions the whole time, it's quite incredible. This holiday is like being away from reality, when I think what I'm going back to, how I dread it, it's quite funny how my life has been full of changes which have disturbed me, yet I love changing and I can't really keep still. Once I've been at school for two weeks, that's enough, once I've been at mums for one week, that's enough and the same with home. I think what I really want is to be able to do that, but have somewhere on my own to go back between, a base. I hate reality so much. I like to be by myself at school in the evenings, yet I always like to keep in touch with my friends in the holidays, it's almost as though I'm afraid to lose them all and have nothing. In my primary school I used to be one of the noisy lot, always being told off for talking, in a way I was a leader, all of that inside me seems to have disappeared, but maybe it never was inside me, mind you everybody thinks I talk a lot at school, I know it's a sort of put on, but was it then?. I think my brothers influenced me a lot then and it was also a day school, which meant you were not with them in the evenings. I had the evenings to myself, well sort of, just my brothers disturbing me sometimes, but I used to love to shut myself in my bedroom at night and just do what I wanted, away from all the tension that was always around. I always avoid hassle, arguing and disagreements, because I can't control myself any longer, and dad just gets even angrier when I burst into tears. I've felt in a funny mood today, I watched the waves for about an hour, there is this feeling inside me of being scared about going back. Mum has been driving me nuts, so I just disappeared and left her to talk to herself. I just wanted to be left alone without all this questioning she does. My mind doesn't know what to do today, I don't know what I was feeling last night, but I cried half the night. I'm coming the point where I can't express it. The days are quickly passing by, and I've only got 2 days left, oh what a thought, I can't face going back, I felt like running in front of a car yesterday. Mum had gone to bed after having a mental fit at me, in which I walked away. I spent half my money on the electronic games in the hotel and then went to my favourite night-club, hoping mum would be fast asleep. I want back to the hotel feeling empty, mum didn't wake up, so I sat on the balcony and watched everything that was going on wondering how I was going to cope with the next few days, I keep having these funny spells, they had gone for a while but they came back when I went out for a snack, I go hot, my heart starts beating faster and I feel as though I'm just about to be sick, luckily I manage to pull myself out of them. They happen at night as well, when I also shake, and sometimes at school e.g. assemblies, exams, lessons, always somewhere where I can't just get up and walk around. Another depressing thought came to me today, I haven't touched my work, I'm so scared I won't be able to write anything down in the exam, yet I still can't make myself do any, everyday I keep saying to myself I'll do some but I can't be bothered, knowing it won't go in. What keeps me delaying it?, it doesn't bother me, I just know it will bother everybody else, and then a whole load of hassle. Mum was away all day today, this is our last full day. I sat on the rocks and watched the big blue and white tipped waves crash against the rocks. Its as though they are running away from the sea world but are being drawn back deeper and deeper, full of life yet frightened. I couldn't be bothered to carry on the New Year festivities outside the hotel, so I just went back to bed. I come to a stop here and think, what next?

I've been back for 3 days, back to school tomorrow night, my mind is in turmoil, I just don't want to carry on anymore, I want help. An hour to go, and I'm shaking like a leaf. Everybody has been saying "there's always the phone, come anytime for a visit". Its not the problems they have to understand, it's me, and nobody understands me, not even myself. I'm here and I just want to go. I hate it all, Karen and I talked till 1am. I can't face anything, the girls, the teachers, the work, I cant even face the thought of dad and his wife coming to sort us out. The night is quiet and I'm not tired, I hear bells, sometime ambulances. It's peaceful around me and I want the night to carry on forever. One reason I don't tell anyone my feelings is because nobody takes people's feelings seriously. People have asked me "are you looking forward to going back to school?", you say "no", and they say "never mind" or "you'll like it when you get there". Why can't they take "no" for an answer and shut up. I could phone someone within the next week and say " I feel like killing myself", and they say "don't be silly". Nothing is taken seriously. It's now 2am and I'm scared to go to sleep and miss the night.

9th January - 15th January

I've been trying to make myself work all week , but my concentration is so bad, I either have to eat something, listen to music or think, but when it comes to working you can forget it, I can't do it.

7th February 11.30pm

I'm coming to the point where I have to start writing my thoughts down again. I have to make myself, but it is so hard, they are all mixed up. I can't talk them out because I find I don't explain them fully, so I have to write them out. I am becoming confused and find myself going into deep turmoil because I am thinking about so many things, if I didn't write them down then I would certainly end up committing suicide, because of the confusion, I need to clear my head. I can't live my life with doing so, I'll probably repeat myself so many times but I find it so hard to find the right kind of works to express it. Today when I talked to people I found myself in a semi-conscious state. I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying. I can't even watch television for a long time, or listen to teachers. I was dazed as though I had been drugged or something, what the hell is happening to me? The other night all I thought about was tablets and hospitals etc., I've nothing more to worry about, I'm angry with the way I feel, I just could go out and smash something up. I have got so many things to look forward to, I'm leaving school, I'm applying for jobs and I have got a flat, I'm getting a car soon. I know what the year ahead holds for me. I've started driving, although my concentration is so bad that I didn't hear him telling me to stop the car. I have to try and improve it. I'm busy looking through my dictionary trying to explain the way I feel, I feel deeper than what I'm writing. I think too much, because in the evenings when I should be doing my work, I'm thinking instead. I have to write it down and it all takes time. Now that I've got so much to look forward to in the future, you don't think about it anymore, you only think about the past and present, the present being absolute hell. The past is affecting me much more as well, in a bad way. I wouldn't be able to tell anyone how I feel or let them see how I feel because they would say I was ungrateful for not looking forward to all those things, I am, but it's not affecting me in any way. I can't see the future at the moment. I'm just getting worse and worse about the whole attitude to life. It's the wrong attitude to take, someone's got to help me. If I wasn't writing this down now then I would crack up, I really would. I think I've been like this ( but not to this extent) for a long time, and that I just don't know what it is like not to be emotionally upset all the time, I think of the past, when I say that, all the time I can picture myself sometime in the past being emotionally upset. Everyday I think of something else in the past that has disturbed me and is now starting to affect me. I am thinking of the past a lot more than I used to. What more help can I get, I don't understand. The help that I have been given has been great, its helped me to realise a lot more things about life, myself etc. It's given me answers and yet it still all piles up into the same confusion that I was in before. My mind just seems to be turning that help away, and I can't control what my mind does. Maybe, when I finally move into the flat and leave school it will all get better, but how do I know, at the moment, that it will. I might not be able to cope with it all, and I am hoping so much that I will be able to concentrate on the job that I get, or else it will now work out. I've managed to cope with much harder things than this, and yet, I cant even cope with the simple things in life. I'm in a daydream at the moment and all of sudden I will look around me and wonder what the hell I am doing here, why am I still here? I still dread every morning, and drag myself out of bed, hoping I've got a letter to open, if I have then I think about for the rest of the day. At night I always wonder if anyone will phone. I feel apprehensive because if I told other people these thoughts I'd be afraid of what they'd say.

9th February 12.30am

My god there must be something wrong with me, my mum just phoned earlier on, and asked me if I wanted to go to Tenerife just after my exams. This is too much to cope with, I was tempted to say, 'no', but I know she would ask me why, I was dumfounded, I said 'yes', but I cant cope with all that is happening, I must be mad, what is wrong with me, why is my mind so confused by it all. One minute I'm in the future, the next minute I'm in the present and the next I'm in the past. The tears are just pouring down my face as write this. I just want someone less fortunate to take all these good things that I'm getting at the moment. I'm just hoping dad says no. It's too much all at once. I'm so guilty about feeling like this, I cant even cope with the good things never mind the bad things, there's something triggering my mind off to reject all these things. I just need something to unmuddle my mind and keep me going for just 6 weeks and 2 days, that's all, after that I should be OK. I'm either just tired and weary with school or I'm mad to think like this. I don't know what.

12th February 12.45am

A lot has been wondering around in my mind today, mainly thinking about the past, about incidents that I didn't realise what was happening then, but realising now the affect they had on me, these thoughts all seem to be muddled up. So I'm trying to untangle the heaving knot that is in my mind.

13th February 5.30pm

My head feels like a bomb just about to explode, I don't feel fully conscious and I 've got a party to go to tonight, but I can't be bothered, I just want to sit here all night and try and work out what it is I'm trying to get rid of in my mind. I have so many thoughts, I don't know what to do with them all. I suddenly realised today, it was my step-brother that helped me cope with those years that I was with my step-mum, they helped take away a bit of the tension that was constantly around in the family. I suppose you could say I leant on them for support, although neither they or I realised that then, but I look back now, and I know I wouldn't have coped at all if they were not there, especially the younger one ( who was 2 years older than me). I never talked to them about it. Everything still built up in my mind then I would relieve by throwing things at my brother, shouting at him and generally annoying him, at the time I always used to say I hated him, but he is one person I shall never forget and I realise now that we were quite close. I think that is what I miss when I go home, not having brothers, not having someone who can take you away from the tension, which still lingers at home but in a different way. Anytime I heard an argument or my step-mum talking about me as if I was a piece of dirt or anything that happened that I didn't like, I would go to my brothers room, not talk about it, but just play games with him, or help him if he was doing anything. That way I would forget about it. If they were not in and that was happening I would be scared of my step-mum coming upstairs and just hide away in my room wondering what I was going to do. I was totally frightened of her. I haven't done any work all day, as my concentration is non-existent, I think the first proper exams you take (the start of secondary school) are the most important, because they are the first steps to learning how to concentrate and study your work, that is where I went wrong, I'm not going to blame it entirely on what my home circumstances were like, but at that point in time they were the worst years, and of course a lot of studying for exams was done at home, and my studying never really took off because of having to cope with the arguments. I've never really done that well at school, except in things that I was interested in and managed to learn, which shows that I have the ability to do well, but have developed that attitude that I can't be bothered with it all. I just have to build it up and I know now that situations at home, like that, are not the right ways to build it up, you get the feeling that it is not worth doing through it all and that you are the cause if it. Therefore it is important for me to find a base I'm content in and be satisfied with my life, them maybe I can start from the beginning. There has to be another way to develop my concentration, school work, I think is not the best way. I have decided to take a year out, away from study and build myself up, my life and anything else, because I don't think I'm getting anywhere if I have to think about study as well.

14th February 1.30am

I certainly don't think I could cope with school for another year, the way I am at the moment. At the end of that year, providing I've enjoyed my job, I should be in a better frame of mind about my attitude towards studying and will have been able to sort myself out. I don't mind studying for things that interest me, and the subjects I'm doing at the moment do not interest me in the slightest, but I've got to get these exams so that I can go onto something I'll enjoy, even thinking that doesn't change my attitude. I have a mental block somewhere. I think my mind needs to be settled with the present situation, be reasonably content with life and be working at something that is interesting, so that it stops my mind for thinking about other things. It's Sunday, and I hate Sundays, I did a terrible thing today, I don't' know if I can ever write it down, but I have to, I can't keep it in my mind. I saw a paracetamol bottle sitting on the shelf in the bathroom, this is the first time I have seen one since I took the overdose. I froze, still, and stared at it for about half and hour, a lot of people are out this weekend so there are not many people around, and nobody came in. Suddenly I ran over to it and took about 7, but then dropped it on the floor and ran to my room crying, I know I could have taken the whole lot. I stopped myself, thinking of what other people would say, thinking of all the promises I have made, those promises are putting a lot pressure on me. Why did I do it?. There is nothing drastic happening in my life to make me do it, apart from trying to cope with school. I think I was wanting to prove to myself that I could do it, I must be going mad, after all the help I've got and everyday it lingers in my mind. I see it in front of my eyes, a picture of it all happening, black, it hasn't affected me that much, just a little bit dizzy, but that has been going on for quite sometime, feeling light-headed, not stable on my feet, tired during that day, but come midnight I'm awake, I haven't done any work for 3 days now, I can't eat properly, I have to get away from this school and the work, yet I've only got 5 weeks and 2 days, it doesn't sound very long, yet for me each day drags by, each day getting worse and worse.

16th February 12.30am

I feel so lost today, so lost in my thoughts, I'm still very light-headed, I feel drained. I can't cope with the rest of this week, yet I know I'll still be here by Friday wondering how I got through the week, and it will then start all over again, week after week.

17th February 11.35pm

I was trying to think of a reason today why I'm being such a pessimist at the moment. Maybe I'm just going through an acute period of introspection and depression. It made me think about it because, someone came into talk about a flag day to raise money for epilepsy, and asked if some people from the school would help, it also make me think because a girl who is a border has gone home because her 3 year old brother suddenly died of meningitis, I went round and collected money because we had bought some flowers to send to her parents. I love to help in these situations, yet it still doesn't change the way I think, because as well as sorting out your own thoughts you're wondering what they are thinking as well and how it's affecting them. I think it makes it worse, you want to help so much but you cant' because it's too late, it also make you feel extremely guilty.

18th February 1.45am

I feel totally exhausted after having organised my half-term perfectly and now it's totally gone wrong. I was going to have a friend to stay, which always makes me feel better when I'm at home and I had some things organised, now she's not coming and dad has already arranged to go out, thinking that I'll be with my friend, now what am I going to do. I always feel uncomfortable when there are just 3 of us. It's funny, when you're really down, you tend to make mountains out of mole hills, just thinking what day it is makes me feel depressed. Usually Sunday afternoons, evenings and Mondays are my worst. Thinking about all the things I've got to do during the day gets me down, especially sitting in my class trying to concentrate, it make me feel very light headed. I'm not expressing myself clearly tonight what I'm trying to say so I'll just finish here.

19th February 12.05am

Half-Term - I'm home, and I can't get over what I'm feeling tonight. I feel funny after not being here for 4 months, I love my own room and everything in it, but I still feel uncomfortable, I don't know what's wrong with me. My dad has been talking away about what I'm doing next year. I feel as though I've been here ages, as though I haven't even been at school in Edinburgh. I'm positive that my past is just living it out, there is nothing at the moment I should be worrying about. I can't write anymore because I'm so confused about my depression, what's causing all of this?.

21st February 11.15pm

I had my weekend all organised, for once, and it all fell through, my friend couldn't' come for the weekend and dad is going out Saturday night. Luckily another friend heard I would be by myself on Saturday night and invited me to stay. Today I had some friends from my last school over and we went to the American Diner place, we sat down and 15 minutes later, who should walk in, but my last step-mum and I think her new husband, that totally cut me up, just when I'm trying to get rid of those memories, they all come, it cut me up for the rest of the afternoon and still is now. I had a talk with dad today, he can't understand why I don't tell him everything that's troubling me, I couldn't explain. I felt like saying, 'because I don't know what's troubling me', but then how could I because we've solved some of the problems, so there must have been some in the first place, and I didn't tell them to him, he just managed to work them out and put forward suggestions. My mind goes blank every time he asks me, I just can't think. He asked me if anything else needed sorted out. I said 'no', because there isn't, how can I tell him. I'm so cut up inside, when I haven't got a reason for him. He said the last thing he wants is me to be unhappy. I'm not exactly unhappy, different thing are just affecting me. I'm unhappy with myself, I think, unhappy with the way I'm taking things, not being able to pull through this.

22nd February 1.40am

Half-Term over, back to school - All different things are going through my mind, but because they keep changing so quickly, going from one thing to another. I can't remember half of them so I cant write them all down. I'm back at school, sitting on my bed. I feel as though I'm just carrying on from Thursday night when I was sitting here at that time also. If someone asked me in my mind whether I felt as though I'd been home I'd say no. It literally does feel as thought this is a continuation from Thursday, I feel really low tonight, this is a situation where I should be speaking to dad. It's a perfect example of what he says I should be doing, but how can I because I don't know what's bothering me and I wouldn't be able explain it to him. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning. I just want to go and leave everybody to carry on with their lives. Nobody can really help me because I seem to bring most of it upon myself. This book is just full of thoughts, there is nothing to be solved apart from my mind.

25th February 12.05am

I don't know what I've been thinking this week, but the thoughts are intense enough because I couldn't really tell you what I've done in lessons all week, I even forgot my maths lesson on Tuesday morning. Tonight I told myself I had to do some homework, I usually try and do my homework and nothing else, now I cant even do that. For 2 hours, trying to do my English, I sat, read some, wondered off into thinking and tried to get back to it, it was hopeless. I've to give it in tomorrow, but obviously I can't. I've got 4 weeks exactly. I have to do something or else they will start to notice. I usually manage to hide it very well. I just sit on my bed in a daze.

28th February 11.50pm

Yet another Sunday, another full week ahead, another night, but Sunday night is always a different night. I want it to go on forever, never to stop. I had a letter from a very good friend back at my school, she has been really great, and when I was down in England last weekend, we went out on the Sunday, or course there was me hiding my feelings. She has written telling my not to shut her out, and I have written back saying 'Don't ever think I'm shutting you out because, in a way, I'm shutting myself out because I can never face the fact, and I don't want to, that I am at this age, and many teenagers tend to be generally a depressed person, but I don't want to be, so I try to shut it out as much as possible'. I have to get to grips with this depression, which is just due to life, it affects my work, and puts me into deep, intense, thinking daze, which can last anything from 10 minutes to a couple of hours. I'm going to be in so much trouble tomorrow because I haven't done any of my homework which I usually try and do, just so I get good comments on my report, to keep everybody happy. The marks don't matter too much as long as I'm trying, but I've now giving up trying and with 3 weeks and 4 days, there is easily a chance that I could get bad comments, do I care?, No, but I don't' want my mum or dad to think I'm not trying, or the pressure will be greater. I suppose in a way I'm trying, but even trying is becoming hard. It's very like what anorexics do, they hide the fact that they're not eating, and I hide the fact I'm depressed until it takes an incident to find out.

29th February 12.30pm

"What absolute hell", I thought when I looked at my watch this morning. I've been thinking all today. I know partly why I put on a face at school. At the end of last term I thought, right, I've got to stop putting on a face, it was a hard thing to do, and my house mistress told me off for having a negative attitude and generally disapproving by the way I was acting, so I thought, OK then, I'll play it your way, and went back to putting on a face. When I'm alone I can be myself, because I can accept myself and no one else can, but it's still depression, isn't it, which is still not the way you really are. I was given a ticking off today for skiving lessons on Friday. I just didn't want to go to them, they drive me mad. We went to see 'Death of a Salesman' tonight, my heart was pumping furiously on and off all the way through. I just wanted to walk out. I hate this world so much. I could just burst into tears when either mum or dad or any relative phone. I don't know why, I just sort of feel like telling them to go away.

14th April 11pm

I've tried to leave this diary alone because I have been told I analyse myself too much, the thing is, it's that I'm trying to get rid of my guilt, which is the main thing around me at the moment. Many incidents, small and large bring on this guilt. There is so much emotion, hurt etc., still to be let out, and it just drains out of me, some days are worse that others, without a single reason behind any of it.

15th April 1am

I'm also trying to stop myself from fighting being introspective, complicating my thoughts too much surely must be making it worse. But then thinking all this makes me feel guilty for not coping, and it all builds up from there. I realised today that there are so many articles on what comes across to me as, 'pulling yourself together' techniques in many magazines. So many people must try this, but what if your so far down that all you want to do is basically find a way of not being around anymore, you're not really likely to want any help because you're mind is far to occupied in finding ways and reasons for killing yourself. I feel these articles make me feel even more guilty because everybody is supposed to be able to pull through. I've tried to stop all this thinking and just think about what I'm doing at the present moment, not looking at the future or past. Happiness is after all 'the present', but how can it work without even knowing, you suddenly find yourself looking out the window or in deep thought, and then you start trying to think of a reason why you couldn't stop yourself and how come it just doesn't work like that, just yet. Here I am fighting again, all the time I'm fighting with myself, but if I didn't, then as well as crying myself to sleep just about every night, I'd be emotional all day as well. You just can't win. What do I want?, I don't know what I want, I'm confused by it all. I seem to know what everyone else wants. I've practised that already because I have been trying to please people all the time for years, even thought I didn't realise this until someone said, and I still do it now. After I've finished my exams in 2 weeks, I'll probably be in the flat, but because I'm still in this ridiculous state I'll probably find myself staying in bed because I think life is monotonous and there is no purpose, but in this case I can't get anybody to help push me to do something constructive because they don't know how I really feel, and as I have said I can't tell anybody. But then again if somebody did that, which they do at school, I'll do it just to please them and inside I will be emotionally exhausted, which I am at school because I don't' want to do anything in the first place, I just get on with it, put on a face that I'm quite content, what more can you do, just live the next few years like that and wait until you become interested. I suppose that's all that I can do. I could go on for months writing down how I feel and looking back and not resolving a single thing. Just the fact that you've managed to write them down.

17th April 1am

5 months and 3 weeks today since I made a feeble attempt,. and it seems like last week. What am I raking away at? the past, the future, and maybe the present, after talking to dad today I'm definately raking at the present, raking at nothing, because there's nothing bad to rake at. How can it be the present that's affecting me when I'm still like this, it should be affecting me in good ways. I'm too busy digging up the past and puzzling over the future that I'm missing the present. How can you stop yourself from thinking all this. The funny thing is, I am making an effort, but it's an outside effort. The thought of getting up every day and going to work, horrific. Just thinking of what, it will be like dragging yourself out of bed every morning, yet I'm busy out there looking for a job, trying to find any old job, because I've decided that I'm not just taking a year out. I don't really want a job, I'm just getting one because that's the only thing to do and because that is what I have decided and my family are just expecting me to get on with it. The guilt that I'm feeling has got drastically worse since speaking to dad, the more guilt I have, the less I feel I can tell anyone that I feel there is no purpose to life.

18th April 12.05am

I think one problem with me is that my mind is so used to living out of a suitcase, that as soon as I settle somewhere for too long I'll become restless and bored. In the past week I have unpacked 4 time and packed 3 times and I've been to 4 different places including school. I don't feel as though I've been to any of them, but my mind must do. Yet when I was at my flat I never felt as though I had been anywhere else and I couldn't come to terms that I was actually going to school, back to a routine which is the one thing I really detest. Dad and I just can't communicate, and I don't think we will for a long time, he doesn't know why and I don't know why. One thing he doesn't know is how I feel and I can't tell him because I've got no explanation, he realises it's going to be hard getting a job etc. but he doesn't realise how bad the past has affected me, because it didn't at that moment in time and there is nothing he can do anyway. I don't really feel he's the right kind of person for me to confide in. I find him too formal. When I arrived home on Wed. I looked around the house because things are always changing, I find it quite shattering., the quality, wealth and the look of it, yet I've been brought up like this all my life. I can't believe that I actually lived in a place like that.

21st April 11.30pm

Why has everything revolved around studying. Even the day I came out of hospital, we discussed straight away (mum, dad, aunt and uncle) about work and school. I said I just couldn't' concentrate and that was that, I've never been a person who has worried about exams and definitely in the past 3 years I haven't any indication of worrying, and yet they think I'm paranoid, telling me all the time not to worry, is it because they like to think that it's work so as to avoid other matters? It was the same when I was at home this time, dad was going on about not getting het up and depressed about work again, I never was, I honestly could care less. I was also annoyed when my aunt was seeing if I'd been working at the beginning of the holidays, when I was in Edinburgh. Yet I said to them in November when I told them I would try and stick school out until May, that under no circumstances would I be able to revise properly for the exams because I couldn't concentrate. I think they thought I was being stupid when I said that. I was just thinking about the flat and realise that it's been a long time since I've settled in one place for good and I now know that I will be in that flat for at least a year, probably more. Am I going to manage begin settle? and how well am I going to adjust? I don't even need to pack a trunk every term anymore and travel so much.