22nd April 1988 - Saw Psychiatrist
25th April - Exams Started, English, Art History, Maths

Three weeks later I was admitted to the Royal Infirmary (Edinburgh). During those 3 weeks I got considerably worse, plagued by continuous thoughts of suicide. I took 2 of my highers and the there was a 3 week gap until my Art. During that time I was allowed to go to my flat, I had officially left. I never went in to practice my Art, I didn't go in for my piano lessons. I couldn't get up and when I did it was in the late afternoon. I just sat in my bed doing nothing. I didn't want to do anything. I tried to look for jobs but there was no way I could go through with one. I felt totally helpless, but I hid all of it very well, making up good excuses for my actions. All I could think about was dying. I hated everything and everybody. I had totally lost interest, I had no energy and no initiative, that made it very difficult and nearly impossible to carry out what I had in my mind (suicide). Everything intensified as I grew more and more depressed. Sometimes I felt I could rot to death instead. But even though I was tired, I was also agitated and restless. It is the most awful thing I have ever experienced. A few days before my overdose I went to 3 different Chemists to buy Paracetamol and some Martini to drink them down with. On the day I took the overdose I received a letter of a job application I had made and they told me I had the job......that tipped me over the edge, I drank alcohol and took a bottle of paracetomol and cut my wrists, my cousin found me when she came home from work, I had left a note. I woke up in hospital with a drip in my arm and a very nauseous feeling. I didn't want to see anyone. I felt very ashamed and guilty, my life really wasn't worth living at that point and I could see no way out and no way of getting better.

10th May - Admitted to Royal Infirmary, Edinburgh
13th May - Admitted to Royal Edinburgh Hospital, Ward 6

The following are thoughts that I have written down as the have arisen in my mind while on the ward, I was very muddled at the time so they may not make much sense and are not in any order.

I have conversations with people in my mind and conversations with myself in my mind. Family are all so close and happy so I'm not surprised they are shocked, but it's as though I am the odd one out. The don't really understand or else they wouldn't be so bewildered by it all and make me feel guilty. Been fighting with it especially since November. Put on a face, which unfortunately I seem to be an expert at. Forget what I want to say, I have to give them reasons why I don't talk to them, but I can't think, I forget, then dad gets annoyed and says he didn't come all this way for nothing. I felt so guilty, so I started trying to explain but I felt so uncomfortable telling them. I couldn't tell them that though, because then I've to explain what I mean and so it carries on. Guilt, they certainly know how to pile it on, Their definition of my 'attempted suicide' = "wicked and selfish". To them people that have got everything going for them can't freak out. I feel I want to do it out of spite so that they can disown me. He went on about my cousin, the whole family are angry, they even went on about the carpets, he said, "think about other people instead of yourself". I'd sat in the flat in tears for 4 hours wondering why I had to let my cousin find me and thinking about the rest of the family. There was so much guilt that it was nearly enough to stop me. Dad said I have to have an explanation by the time I see them. I don't want to see any of them now, I cant understand why it's such a struggle to talk to them. The more they go on about not talking to them, the more I shut up. It's all so confusing. Then they start going on how I didn't really want to kill myself. I didn't tell them that what I really wanted was someone to give me an injection, something painless, because there isn't a painless way. I'm such a sensitive person, by them just saying that I'm "selfish and wicked" for doing it. I wouldn't mind them saying it if I understood that was true, but I can't understand it and it just cuts me up so much. They said they've been covering up for me, in other words, nobody should know. I get the feeling that they are maybe ashamed of me being here. Then they make me feel guilty again saying that I'm rejecting them because I don't talk to them about anything, I treat them like dirt, just use them for money, food, etc. Why am I so over-sensitive, they tear me to pieces when they come and visit. It came more of a shock to them because I didn't show any signs of anger or unhappiness. I don't have a temper, and when I'm angry I cry, not shout. It's so annoying because the Monday before I was just acting normal, I showed no signs of being disturbed, yet I bought a bottle of paracetamol that morning. Somehow I wish I wasn't like that, because how can people help you if they don't know how you're feeling. And I won't say anything. It's like a mental block. What am I afraid of. Being told you're wicked and selfish really boosts your confidence...NOT!. On Saturday I was outside, I feel so insecure outside, I could have run in and cried, yet I'm frightened to say anything, maybe of the fear of being rejected, but more because I felt stupid saying something like that. On Sunday I made myself stay outside for sometime, no matter how I felt, went to the shops. I felt frightened and insecure but I didn't show it in my face or speech, just so deep inside that nobody could have lifted the fear and insecurity from me, it's as though I want to keep it all to myself. I've been in tears a lot of night, even before November to the point of suicide, I never know what for, maybe just to relive the thought and doing of that day, because when I've been in all day it's not so bad. Wouldn't bother me if none of my relatives came and visited me. The fact that I did it to my cousin makes everybody really angry, but I couldn't really postpone the feeling of depression until a later date. You're either going to do it or not. Dad may have found the deep rooted topic to discuss, but I still didn't believe that he understood. I'm trying to make myself. Dad said that if he didn't understand then he wouldn't have come up with the topics. I couldn't give an answer to that one, but then I thought he hasn't given me a correct explanation to the questions though. I got to the point where I couldn't ever be bothered to cook, dad would say that is because I'm too young to look after myself. No wonder I don't tell him everything. I act normal in front of my family because I don't want them to know how I really am. If my family were very small then I would not put on an act so much. I was putting on an act to my cousin, if my cousin was coming in a 4pm, I would get up at 4pm and get ready and make sure I looked OK, she'd ask me what I had for lunch and I would make something up. She might ask me what I had done that day and I wouldn't say I got up at 4pm. I don't know why I do it. Because I hadn't thought of the main problems then obviously I didn't think of them as a problem to me or worried me. If I felt well then those problems wouldn't be there. I still don't understand why everybody boils it down to just being my age, I've had to cook and do the cleaning before, I managed to sort the money out in the holiday. I can organise things myself. If I was in the right frame of mind, I could do these things, instead of not being bothered. I had found out that I was beginning to isolate myself. Isolation is more the word I was looking for, because when I say I couldn't cope they immediately think it's my age, but then I suppose the two are related, if you can't cope, you isolate yourself. If I wasn't isolated and withdrawn then I don't think I'd have the problems that have been put down, I didn't want to see anybody, do anything etc. that's probably why I don't want any visitors now. I will only go back and study if I could concentrate properly and remember things. I was just thinking tonight, that my moods do change, but not on the outside so that everybody can tell. One minute I'm thinking in the future and what I'm going to do etc. and the next minute I'm wanting to kill myself and isolate myself. I didn't want to show my family that I was isolating myself, I didn't want their support, so I took the easy way out. My moods don't change physically, they change mentally. I don't communicate, especially with mum because she always makes wrong assumption, e.g. today I told her that it was tiring to have to (make the effort to talk which I didn't say but felt) see visitors everyday. And all I got back was how lucky I should be that so many people cared, it's not that I'm not grateful, but she just took it totally the wrong way.

22nd May

First time I had been out in the car somewhere today, it was hellish, I felt extremely insecure and was dying to get back to the ward. All afternoon my mind wondered during conversation, I wasn't hearing what people were saying. When I came back, the effect of that day just put me into tears, maybe I was just worn out or it could be that I was relieved to get back, I just can't be bothered. All the time I have conversations in my mind, e.g. dad will be coming soon, I have conversations of what he will say when he comes, what will he ask, do I have an explanation or anything he might say, this happens with anybody. I also have conversations of the past, what I should have said, why I didn't say it. How could I forget to say it. I do really know what I want to do, but it's my concentration that really gets me down and motivation and self-esteem. There's a lot of anxiety in my mind and in the way I think. If I was able to understand fully why I had done it then I wouldn't have gone this far because I would have been able to sort it out. I not only think things in two personalities, I do things in two personalities. Going out just doesn't feel right anymore. Mum has been asking everybody else why I did it I cant understand it. I told her in hospital, and the more she doesn't understand, the more I would crack up. My moods just go up and down, because tonight I've been especially high and mum can't understand why I was dreading the job so much because she said I handled the interview fine and I was talking a lot of rubbish. I know I could do that job. I wasn't putting myself down, it was just that I had isolated myself too far. I have lost all my interests, I'm not interested in people and going out, even though I manage to hide that very well. When I do go out, I just get drunk. I go out for the wrong reasons. It's not that I couldn't cope with the job, I didn't want to cope with it or anything. I can't concentrate, I can't read books properly or watch a film for very long. I get bored with quizzes and card games very quickly. I don't listen to people who are talking to me fully, I forget what I'm meaning to say sometimes in the middle of a sentence, conversation, it's quite frightening, like a mental block. I was asked today if I appreciated my visitors, I said yes in an enthusiastic way, because I didn't want to offend them, because they had been saying how lucky I was. I've had between 4 and 6 visitors a day, I can't handle it. I'm just not interested, I don't concentrate on what they're talking about, and it's beginning to really get me down. I'm too low to be interested in anything. I think this has been a gradual thing since November but it's had it's patches before. Lack of concentration, very sensitive, but never to the point where I can't and I don't want to day anything. I was asked if I wanted to go to the cinema, I was reluctant but said yes because I thought that they would think I wasn't even trying to make the effort. I was in tears over it and eventually said I didn't have any money, which in fact was true. It all fell through anyway. Since I've been in the Royal Edinburgh, I've noticed that my mood changes so much. This morning I was low, by afternoon I had to contend with visitors so that meant trying to be as talkative as possible. In the evening I was low, and at 8.30pm I was ready for bed and slept till 10.15pm and I awoke and I've been high all night to the point where I am wondering why I'm here because there can't be anything wrong with me. I'm just not getting better, I feel the same as I did two and a half weeks ago, and I have been out but it didn't affect me anyway, I felt nothing. I get angry with myself because the more people try to make me express my feelings and what I'm thinking, I do it but they're not really my true ones. I could kick myself afterwards because I change my mind and get confused, I think "why did I say that", I can't be truthful with myself about my feelings. I write one thought down and maybe handle it 5 times, and then think of the reasons why I changed it. No job, I'll concentrate on getting better up to christmas, go on holiday and hope to start an RMN nursing course in February. I'll do voluntary work, but a job would just make it worse. Maybe unconsciously I put on a face to everybody and anybody I'm with as well as sometimes consciously, because in Ward 6 the nurses said ( nearer the end of my stay) that they still felt they were talking to the surface of me and I came across to them in that way. I hadn't actually realised that it was as bad as that, because I really thought I was trying hard not to. I have to write down my feelings because of the face I put on to everyone, because I'm not telling anybody how I'm feeling, so by writing I let off my feelings and also because I forget and then I become frustrated because I know it was something important.

23rd May - Saw Nurse from Young People's Unit
31st May - Saw Dr Y and nurse
2nd June - Saw Dr G
7th June - Meeting at Young People's Unit
10th June - Visit Young People's Unit, go to flat
14th June - Admitted to Young People's Unit
15th June - Saw Dr Y
16th June - M, gran and Auntie came to visit
17th June - Mum and B came to visit

Weekend 19th/20th June

Going to gran's for the weekend and I have to phone the nurse at 10.30am on Sunday. Put on a face to my gran because they can't understand the whole thing. I think she thinks it's just another one off thing, but I've certainly had it in my mind every day since November. She can't understand why I had to phone the "on call" nurse. I explained and she said that I wouldn't really need to use it. I was going to phone Saturday night, but I made myself go out (even though I was tired and didn't feel too good) so I wouldn't do anything stupid. When I'm out like this weekend, I can't express or explain at all what I'm thinking or feeling. I get very confused about my thoughts and if anybody asked my thoughts and feelings about this weekend, I really would find it most difficult to explain. I thought that one of the issues that had to be worked on was that I couldn't communicate over to other people what I was thinking or feeling, I think now that it needs rephrased, I'm actually surprised at how much I can communicate in that sense, but a lot of what I talk about is my past experiences and my insight to other people's thoughts and feelings, but not my own in a present situation. I'm just getting confused and depressed with the whole thing. Even if I was in the flat at the weekend I wouldn't get up, not be bothered to cook anything. If I had been discharged the other week, and been an out-patient it wouldn't have done anything because I'm outside the unit and I wouldn't be able to express my thoughts and feelings. I was wondering that when I'm out and seeing my family a lot, that my feelings about different issues and things that happen make my mind confused. The reason I don't want to stay in the flat this weekend is because I might do something stupid. I don't mind if I do it again, but everybody else minds. I don't want things done for me, that's why I don't want to stay at my grans, because I can't do what I want. If I was in the flat I wouldn't see any of my family, but they'd probably phone up every half hour. Why does everybody think that I don't want to be responsible for myself. That's probably why I was better off in England, I didn't see my relatives so much, and when I stayed with my dad, I did my own thing, cooked my meals, etc I don't want to hurt anybody, I just want to hurt myself. I'm not interested in my family and their chit-chat. I wouldn't bother if my dad wasn't coming to the family group this Monday. I couldn't care less. I'd lost interest in my family, I didn't want their support, so how can someone say that I want my family to look after me. How can I be unsatisfied with my relationship with my relatives, if I'm not close to them. I've grown away from my relatives more since my OD in November, and people in general, because the more I am finding things difficult the less they understand. If I was coping OK now and nothing had ever happened then my relationship with people would be OK. The reason I don't phone people is because I suppose in a way it would be reassurance that I could speak to them, but I usually need to phone people about 3 times a week if not more, and it wouldn't become a reassurance, it would become more of a big worry. I wouldn't move out of the flat and into halls of residence, because I've been with friends all the time since the start of boarding school, and I'm enjoying the break of not seeing them day and night, but then that's a problem because I'd lost interest in being with my friends. I want to withdraw rather that mix with people, I sort of feel that I must be alone. Even when I am with people I feel uncomfortable and I am unsure of what they think of me. In my last year at school, I had changed a lot and was using the boarding school as somewhere to stay and shut myself away. I was able to make easy excuses for not seeing people (apart from the certain times when I make the effort). Putting on a face is easier, so obviously if I'm surrounded by people it's easier because I can just put on a face. It's not that I'm not independent in the flat, it's just that I'm alone more and can't cope with myself and my thoughts and feelings, because I was even like this in the holidays when none of my friends were there, but it's not that I want to be with my friends, it's just a distraction from thinking and acting what I really feel, I don't know what that's about. When I was in the Infirmary, I felt so much better, it's because I was away from reality. You always know that people that don't understand, you just have to say to someone that you want to be alone and not mix with people, and they will understand and say no more, they know how you're feeling. The people who ask why and think you're rejecting them etc. just because you're not doing what they want, are the people that don't understand. That's the way I please people and that's the way they feel when I'm not pleasing them. That's why I'm beginning to give up saying how I'm feeling, e.g. if I act lethargic and not bothered then that's obviously the way I am feeling and I'm not going to suddenly put on a face just because I'm bugging somebody, yet I do. It's as though other people want you to act the way they feel you should act, and I call that pleasing people, and that's what I've been doing for a long time, but then if I act and say what I'm feeling its not right either, so what can you do!. In order to start working on things you have to be in touch with your feelings, I'm still not. Jobs!!, the pressure I've got at the ,moment is enough for me to cope with, yet it's just about non-existent and yet I'm so capable of working under much more pressure so I cant really understand what could be wrong. There wasn't much pressure for me during my last year at school yet I couldn't cope with them either, but I think it's because I put a lot of pressure on myself.

20th June - Go to Volunteer Exchange
24th June - Team Meeting
11th July - Start part-time at MacSween's
19th July - Went to Loch Lomond with Y.P.U
22nd July - Came back
4th August - Case Conference
10th August - See Key Nurse and Dr Y
15th August - Review
17th August - See Key Nurse
30th August - Team Meeting, start antidepressant "Imipramine"
1st Sept - See Dr Y and Occupational Therapist
2nd Sept - Driving Lesson
5th Sept - Change hours at work, 11-4 and 11.30 - 4.30
7th Sept - Driving Lesson
12th Sept - Dad coming to visit

17th September 11:10pm

The deep depression which I feel at the moment is as strong as it was before I was in hospital this has been going on too long for me, since last November it has been as bad as this before then as well. Every weekend I've been in tears but somehow this Saturday is worse. I'm so annoyed with myself for not being able to identify what it is and not being in touch with how I'm feeling. How can I get any help if I can't do that. I tried phoning, but somehow I automatically speak to them normally, what is it that stops me. I know what stops me phoning the on-call nurse, it's because if I was talking to them and I was as upset I'd have to talk about it in Mondays meeting but I wouldn't be able to say what it is and Id just be got at probably because I would not be in touch with how I was feeling. By saying that., I don't know if I would be avoiding it.

26th September

I don't know what to do with myself, no matter how much everybody helps me make a decision, I still feel the same about it. I still feel I don't know what I want to do, anything that is suggested is still not what I want. I'm so capable of doing better that what I'm doing at the moment, yet I can't do it. I feel I couldn't work anymore hours that I'm working at the moment. I could take 3 Highers and I would be capable of getting them yet I can't, I put pressure on myself that I can do it, but the pressure and my true capabilities are too much. I didn't want to come back last night, because I don't want to mix with people, I can't give an emotional response to anybody when they say things, I just wish they would shut up. I don't even think the communication between my dad and I is any better. I find it hard to communicate what I'm thinking, it's as though the thoughts and ideas are somebody else's or I automatically say what other people want to hear unconsciously. When I'm upset on Saturday nights, all I think about is hospitals and ambulances, now I would love to be in a hospital enclosed, not having to face reality. It's the same with programmes in the television where I feel I'm part of the programme, but afterwards it's gone, everything is real and I hate it!. I can't be part of reality, I don't feel the same toward real situations. I still haven't come to terms with me taking an overdose twice, it doesn't seem real, I don't feel as though I did it, yet when I think about it it upsets me.

28th September

It's so weird, I don't feel anything for anybody, the feeling is just not there. I could care for people, try and be sociable, but the feeling is still not there, I just want away from it all away from everybody, I think it's very sad. I feel as though I'm in a world of my own, as though I'm invisible around everybody.

29th September - Mum visiting

3rd October

All I want is to be alone with my music, it's been so different.

8th October

I feel as though I cry all night just to survive the day, so alone in a world of torment that nobody understands. I'm sitting here wanting to phone the on-call nurse, yet I cant, what help can I get if I phone I'll have to speak about it in Mondays meeting, but I can only explain how I'm feeling, not why I'm feeling like that, and then everybody will say I'm just avoiding it. I'm so angry at not being able to phone. All I think about is stupid hospital. It's raining outside, everything is black, life is black.

11th October - Review 3.15pm

13th October

So many things have been going on lately that my emotions and feelings are very mixed up. I suppose leaving is a lot on my mind, knowing that I'll have to start trying to ask my family for support, hoping that they won't take the flat away from me and move in, take over my life. Lately, when they have been saying I've been rejecting them, by not telling them what's going on, the way they do it is so powerful. They don't just be straight and move in, in the way of deciding what they're going to do with me and make other decisions, they are just over helpful and overwhelming and that is more powerful because its harder to say no to them. I could disagree and tell them I'm not going to do what they want, but this is different. They seem to give me the impression that everything will be perfect, yet if you said to them that it's going to be hard, they don't really understand, that's also why I won't phone them. I suppose with all that has been discussed in the 2 meetings that I've had this week, I feel as though I've been sorting out everything that has been happening while 've been in here, not what was happening before e.g. my cousin and the flat, my family and them moving in. How would it have been an issue before I came in here if I never told anybody that I couldn't cope. I was just thinking after the doctors group today, Dr. Y said that it's me being in the flat by myself, because I'm lonely and I want friends to be around me, maybe I do but I felt uncomfortable with my friends, but what got me was that I was still at school with my friends when I took the first overdose, so I don't think it is that at all. People still frighten me a lot still when I'm out side, I always think someone is following me. I suppose if someone asked me what picture I had when I thought of suicide I'd probably say, well nothing really, you don't think into the future, you take a load of tablets and you fall asleep, that's it, full stop. I don't believe in coming out of it and going to heaven, because I don't believe in any one of them. I would have a good bottle of spirits and a load of tablets. I wouldn't bother where I was going to end up. I think about not being found out. It's a cowards way out taking an overdose, I couldn't shoot myself, because I would be fully conscious of what I was doing, there would be physical pain to. I couldn't jump out of a block of flats, I would know what was going to happen in advance. It would deter me, I shall never hang myself, it might not work the first time, I should be left there with a dislocated neck. I'd think twice about shooting myself through the head. Drowning doesn't appeal to me, there would be something telling me to swim to the surface and I would panic and try to get back, and yet if it was too late I would be glad in a sense, I would have achieved what I wanted. It's the thought of not doing the job properly. I couldn't take the risk again of not doing it properly. If I jumped off a building I think I might still be alive when the impact came. Some people think you die of fear on the way down, I would want to be sure I was dead before I hit the ground, in that split second when there was the thud you must feel something It might be all a blur like when you fall off a bike, you don't feel anything when you fall off but you know what's happened when you hit the ground. It's partly not wanting to go through a lot of pain and partly the perfectionist idea. I felt a bit of an idiot when I woke up in hospital, I didn't want any sympathy from anyone. It's just like me not to be able to do anything right. I didn't want to blame anyone and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. It's like you fear peope who take overdoses, they will have maybe thirty minutes before it works and in that time they rush to the phone and tell someone. I didn't want that to happen this time. I was serious at the time, I meant to do it, I didn't want other people to get upset or guilty, I mean you're doing enough to yourself without upsetting others. My parents would be upset if I did that same thing again. For one thing they would say, "that treatment you had wasn't worthwhile". They would turn round and say, "we thought you had got over it and had got back to normal". They would feel let down and upset. Week after week, month after month, the guilt piles up, that's what stops me.

19th October - Meet Key Nurse
25th October - Dad to meet Dr Y and Key Nurse
28th October - Go to Dad's
31st October - Fly back, go to Y.P.U, see Key Nurse

5th November

I'm so upset and angry with myself that I stiil feel the same as I have done for the past year, wherever I am and whoever I'm with, I feel like I'm dreaming when I'm awake and I find that so disturbing. So alone but not lonely. It's all to do with reality, I feel so unable to communicate my thoughts to others, so fed up that I can't do things to my ability, that's why I'm frightened to go to college or do any kind of studying. I've had enough of that already, I just keep having flashbacks of when I was in Bangour and the Infirmary. I was just thinking back to when we looked around at flats. I was thinking this is it, a chance to get everything together, I was thinking how brilliant it was going to be, but I still hadn't recovered from my overdose and thought it was being at school that did it, but it followed me like a big black cloud above my head, it didn't change anything. It's nothing to do with being independent or being in the flat, because it follows me everywhere I go, and when I took my first overdose I was independent and living in a flat.

9th November

When people say that I'm doing well, I start to feel that I have to keep up with it. This applies to everything, so if people compliment me on how well I'm doing, I sort of feel that I have to live up to that. I suppose I feel that I don't want to make people anxious, which I always think I'm going to do if I don't keep it up. That's what makes me put on a face all the time. My dad said he wouldn't be able to carry on if I wasn't around, so I suppose I don't say anything to him because I don't want to hurt him or anybody else. I was called wicked and selfish after my last overdose by all my family, so I prevent saying anything because I think I will be called that for thinking the way I do and they might get angry and that would make it worse.

11th November - Meet Key Nurse
12th November - Discharged as an In-patient at the Y.P.U after 5mths!!!, start work at 1pm
16th November - See G.P
18th November - See Key Nurse
27th November - Driving Test, 8.40am, lesson at 7.40am......PASSED!!!!!!!
28th November - See Key Nurse