My name is Vicki, born in Pennsylvania in September, 1968. In my short life I had endured quite a bit of abuse; I had been raped by a male acquaintance of my mother's at age 5, then verbally, physically and sexually abused by my older brother from ages 7 to 17, and raped twice by an uncle at age 19.

As a result of the sexual abuse and violence that occurred, it led me into a path of destructive behavior and a life of utter confusion and feelings of inadequacy.

I firmly believe that due to the abuse and sexual violence endured, it resulted in me dealing with many problems and psychiatric issues.

As early as age 7, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anger and hatred toward men. As a child I was in therapy, a bed-wetter, was attracted to girls, had strong desires to be a boy, and often dressed as a boy. As I entered my teens, I endured a sexual identity crisis, dealt with self-destructive behavior, developed anorexia and bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in drugs, was in and out of therapy and entered the Marines.

By early adulthood I was cutting, stabbing and burning her body, hospitalized for an eating disorder, in a psychiatric hospital, dealt with suicidal tendencies, bouted with numerous suicide attempts, was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance and mental illness.

By age 25 I was experiencing anxiety attacks daily, had skin graph surgery on both forearms due to severe burns, accumulated numerous scars from injuring myself (1, 5" scar & 1, 4" scar from 3rd degree burns & over 250 scars from cutting/stabbing), led a homosexual lifestyle (from age 15), was briefly involved with a gang, had been caught up in various relationships, had an abortion, claimed bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was on psychotherapeutic medication (17 pills daily), had battled with mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

(Diagnosis included the following: Dysthmia, Major Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Personality Disorder NOS, Mixed Personality Disorder, Adjustment Disorder with depressed mood, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Alcohol Abuse)

As I approached 27, I was dependent on psychotherapeutic medications, totally exasperated and felt as though I was just existing and taking up space. I was at a point in my life where although I didn't know how to go about it, I was looking for my life to change. It seemed that whatever I tried that it was only good for a few hours, a day, sometimes couple days. Even though I thought I had tried everything possible to get better, I was still open for help.

I was not brought up around church or anything godly. Although I doubted a lot of things about God, one Sunday in March of 1995 I was invited to church and reluctantly went. It was my first time going to a church in over 15 years, and this was no church like I had ever been to. From the moment I stepped through the doors, I sensed something different.

When I walked into that church in New Jersey I remember sensing such love and peace. (I honestly thought it would be over once I left). I wasn't quite sure what my beliefs were, mainly Agnostic, as I spent most of my life blaming God or questioning Him why all this happened to me. I was at a point of my life where I was not ready to be let down again. All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn't remember ever feeling so much peace like that before. And I knew the calm feeling was real. No medication made me feel this alert and alive, I knew it had to be something real. I wanted so much to be normal but had no clue how to do it, as everything else I tried proved a failure. After going to that church I knew there was something different, but couldn't figure it out and asked God to show himself to me. I noticed that I was more peaceful, the anxiety wasn't as strong, the urges to harm myself were not as strong and I was able to think clearer. Even though to an outsider that would seem so small of a change, however, for someone like me, it was a big thing just to see a change. It was at that moment that I knew for a fact that God was real!

A few weeks later, I bought a Bible and it opened right up to the book of Mark, and I began reading in chapter 5. As I read, I saw that a guy who had cut himself day and night and looked like he had some sort of mental condition; he was healed by Jesus. I became very agitated with God and threw the Bible to the floor. I continued to throw the bible & yell at God; I just didn't understand why I wasn't well; if he had healed this guy so long ago. (for over an hour I went back and forth "talking" to God & throwing the bible in frustration)

I then began to yell at God: "!@#* you God, if you are real, then why the hell can't you help me? Why can't you do for me what you did for that guy years ago? I'm tired, so tired of this !@#*, and tired of living this way. Don't you understand that I'm tired of crying all night long, cutting and drinking because I cannot cope with anything? Life isn't supposed to be this way! I don't want mental illness. Please help me already?!"

I realize now that swearing to God may not have been the best thing, but at that time I wasn't accustomed to talking with Him and tried my best to be nice. After saying yelling this to God, I pleaded with God, I truly petitioned him for his help. I had never been interested in God, if anyone ever mentioned Him, I would wave my hand in the air, smirk and say, 'God, Shmod'. See, I never heard much about him, nor did I see many people that He helped. (this was my perception)

However, I figured my last resort was this God who I wasn't even so sure about. So, I put all my doubts aside and immediately I began to talk to God, actually it was more of a debate/challenge: I "challenged" Him that I wanted answers and that I would give Him 3 weeks to "prove himself" to me. Even though I wasn't sure if I believed in God, I thought it would be a good idea if I at least put my efforts into it. So, I decided that rather than throwing the bible, I might actually read it. I wanted my life to change and was looking for a difference.\,/p

Ever since I "challenged" God, He answered, and my life turned around completely and has never been the same! What happened over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking!

I learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future; there is hope and there is a better way of life. I learned that I don't have to live my future based on my past. I am not sure why all that happened to me, but I do know that what was meant for bad is now being turned around for good.

I have forgiven all the people that have hurt and abused me. And, I have completely healed, recovered and overcome in every area! I was married to a wonderful man in April, 1999. My life has taken a total turnaround and amazed at what God does!

It is my hopes that every person will come to the realization that they can overcome anything in their life, as nothing is hopeless! Whatever a person has gone through or may be facing right now, they can get through it just like I did and lead a normal healthy life as God intended for them! I know God will heal and totally change anyone, anytime of anything. He is just a prayer away.

Vicki