At the age of thirty three I was working at a residential home in Lichfield. I had worked there for thirty years, and began to feel like my life was resembling ground hog day. each day seemed the same, no change, same old routine. My life was getting dull and boring, something was missing from my life and problems seemed to escalate.

Eventually I persued a different career by working in a supermarket stacking shelves and unloading lorries. But this was no better, some senior staff thought that I was too clever for such tasks and should be doing something else. I used to do portrait sketches of pop stars etc.. and was known in Lichfield for my art work.

It was when I began to work nights that I felt strange, the dull and boring feelings set in again but with avengence. I was beginning to feel worse, I was being bullied by senior male staff and getting bad dreams in the day these were reaccurrant and very real. They seemed to always involve people from my past particularly two men who raped me as a teenager. Over the months the dreams got worse and I was beginning to get suicidal ideas, and contiplated killing myself by cutting my wrists.

I eventually told my mother and she took me to my GP. When I spoke to the GP I began to relate my rape ordeal for the first time since the event. I knew then I had to tell my mother and she would tell my father as I found it difficult to talk to him. I had grown up with asthma and dyslexia but at this stage was unaware that it was called dyslexia.

I was diagnosed as having clinical depression and prescribed anti depressants, I just wanted to sit in a dark room and do nothing. It felt like I was traveling down a dark tunnel the only sound was the screams in my head. Was I going mad, I thought I knew people were in the room but I couldnt communicate with them. My life seemed to be over.

As I began to lift from this darkness a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. One hope emerged,friends were coming over from Sweden they were determined to help me. but I was at my most dangerous or vulnerable stage of my depression picking up strength for suicide.........

I was fortunate that my friends arrived from Sweden and were staying with me. My mother must have also sensed that I was again contemplating suicide and seemed to be around me more than ever. Local friends also encouraged me out and watched me closely. I did have oppotunities to kill myself ,but resisted.

I eventually sought work away from home and went to a holiday camp in Blackpool as a photographer. In this time I only experienced one set back (relapse), when I forgot to order my repeat perscription of anti depressants and experienced problems of panic attacks and hyperventelation. I was helped by friends there and the duty nurse was called out.

I met my wife (Jayne) in Blackpool and we were soon engaged, I came to live in Manchester and began to ween myself off the anti depressants. We started a family and now have four children, I am a RGN with a string of qualifications and am now studying back at University for my RMN. I have been ill since thirty three by suffering from stress four years ago. But I am well now and prepared to help others as much as I can.