Jarod's Journal
Getting Up
Road
Protected
These Thoughts
Broken Home
Binge
Tonight, Tonight
The Watcher
The Mighty Mighty Slasher
Truth vs Life
Misery
Heart
Zombie
Reality?
Lost
Phoenix
Scar Tissue
Cold
Love
Falling Down
Getting Up
From all the way down Im still here. My scars now
healing my mind no longer caught in the pits of
misery. No longer do I spend my days crying No longer
do I carry this burden of rage. I am freed from This
slowly sinking cage. For the first time I can breath.
A breath of a new live a time to begin again.Ill never
forget the past but I wont let it distroy my future.
My pain is still there:I dont liked to be touched.
This things keep me distant but Im all still there. I
hold my hands out finding salvation in the almighty
for he was there before me and long after when Im
gone. My heart is still mending, My soul still
bending, I look on. Many People live by their Minds,
Few live it by their hearts.
~~~~~~~~~~
Road
Here I go down this road. It started open-ended.
Scared that the road might abruptly end, I dare not go
forward. Now I know where to run. But it's easier said
than done. Never having to feel again, escape is all I
need. Empty hearted I run again, going where I know not,
feeling all broken again. Watch as I drift between the
lines unchained to this reality. Only one question in
my mind, what am I going to, who is at the end. Take
these worries from me they only hold me back. These
feelings inside of me, my uncanny knack. Once again I'm
being hurt, masked once again I almost shine. My life
ticking, I'm walking down a thin line. These cries I now
can't hide, just wipe your worries away for it won't
always matter. Empty this heart out, I want to start
over, my road now chose,n I can see this is my last
bout. Crumbled before I stand reassured I will win.
~~~~~~~~~~
Protected
Just wait and see you can watch me flee rage
and terror it flows right out of me. Walk the line
against the grain. Entries into my life are entries of
confusion. Stay away, I will always love you, pain, is
my terror. You stop to watch me, all I've done is without
cause. Always a big mystery, something I will
never know. This pain I bring, it's my only salvation.
Please just walk away, never wanting to turn your head.
Hello journal, I am here to stay. There's no
choice....I've broken my home, You make me want to
cry, I'm so screwed up it's all in my dome, I cut these
arms with just a sigh.
~~~~~~~~~~
These Thoughts
These thoughts I'll never show you. These words I
will never form. Too horrid, I can't hold them back.
Never will I speak them, never will they be heard.
Please don't ask why I just don't know. Everything's
all right, everything's ok, these angles surround me why
can't you see?. So cold for so long I never had hope, but
as I lie here I am warmed by the thought of cutting my
own throat. I don't want to answer why, I don't want to
explain, for where you'll put me my words will be in
vain. I can't tell you why. I stopped having fun, I
lost it all, my soul, my light, my sun. Heyyyyy can ya
see them, Just get out of my way. I've got nothing else
to give, no words of encouragement to say.
~~~~~~~~~~
Broken Home
Why do I want to come home. Pain and suffering is all
that I receive here. I walk through the front door to
my sister fist fighting with my mother. It's nothing
new. I step over what once was the kitchen table and
what looks like the T.V. I must have gotton here
before the cops. I head to my room, but before I get
there I feel a dull pain across my head. It's her, my
psyco sister. My mom's in the corner crying holding
her face. I see a blackness for a second. When I take
my hand away from my head it's covered in blood. I am
too tired to fight, it's just too often I have to go
through this. It's not so bad though, she's already
tired from my mom. I put my hands over my face and
wait till she's finished. At long last she loses her
rage and puts down her metal bat. I hurt all over.
This time I think she cracked a rib. Blood is coming
out of my ear, usually that doesn't happen, but hey
she's out of the house to get more drugs, and that's
fine, by the time she comes back she will be doped up
and dosile. My mom comes to me and cries and apologises
to me. I am too tired to care, I just go to bed. That's
how it was for 14 years, but still it's really not that
bad.
~~~~~~~~~~
Binge
Here I am again, I've woken up on a strange place once
again. What did I do last night? I didn't think that
5th of JD would do this to me. My arms they burn so
much. I look down to see once again I've lost control.
There's a razor by my foot. It shines in the morning
light. I must have tried again, but I don't
remember...I feel so sick. My stomach is so queasy. I
must have had a hell of a night. There's dried blood on
my clothes, what the hell did I do? Well I guess a
little nip of the dog that bit me won't hurt will it?
~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight, Tonight
I look up at the stars forever watching space and it's
emptiness. I take a last look into the darkness only
broken by a few specks of light. The razor dances
across my wrist. To leave me here alone was the worst
you could do, broken not by tragedy but of a longing
for the sadness to end. I fear not the reaper for
tonight he will arise once again just another name on
his list. A longing for the burning pain in my arms to
stop. Chilled down to the bone I wish to end it
tonight, tonight
~~~~~~~~~~
The Watcher
Where were you when I was being beaten? Did you not
hear my screams for help? I guess you just decided to
ignore it. That's ok I can't blame you for what
happened. I wish I was bigger, then I could have
protected myself. I wanted my cuts to go away and the
bruises to heal. Everytime I got better it became
worse. I saw you watch so many times in horror, don't
feel bad though for the pain became dulled, for look
how little I was. I wonder if you could have called
the police.... no they couldn't help, we tried that
huh? Well I now recoil in fear everytime my friends
want to play fight. I can't help but to see the burning
terror in its eyes fused red with blood and rage. I am
glad it was me and not you though for I doubt you
could have survived....but why, why didn't you take me
to the hospital when I was stabbed? Could you not have
just dropped me off? I guess you were just the watcher
though... Dammm I really needed a hand then.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Mighty Mighty Slasher
Wow look at it go. I hope no one tries to stop me.
This is it the last straw it's all coming to an end so
I can start a new beginning, a chance at renewal. I
wish it was not so messy though... I can't help but to
get relaxed for now all I have to do is wait and
bleed. I see all those who I have lost all beckoning
me to go to them. My vision becomes blurred and the
pain begins to stop. It's cold yet so relaxing a
peacefulness en-stills the air. The Razor now on the
floor was the last step in the final episode to this
misguided youth tragic tail. My blood slowly dissolving into
these nice clean sheets. My life, my choice, no regrets, no
remorse, no trust.
~~~~~~~~~~
Truth vs Life
Few who could understand did not. The releasement of
life, the everflowing blood supply leaving me. I can
not tell any who care though for when I did they
locked me up. What do you do when you know truth will
lead to losing freedom yet again. They say tell us how
you feel, ha what a crock! To tell the truth but once
again will lead me into a white room with four padded
walls. I cannot let out the pain and horridness that I
feel so I say nothing. I can feel my life a jumbled
mess of memories I'd rather forget slowing to a crawl
yet I still can never let it show. Friends I once had
have only decided to leave me for what they do not
understand they fear so I guess it leaves me in a
position tell all and get locked up?, or leave it all
and continue down this dark path called life.
~~~~~~~~~~
Misery
You think you have had too much of this life? Don't
worry everybody is torn down again and again. Just
don't be afraid just take my hand. I feel like it's
almost there just so close, days and nights of losing
it all. Everybody cries I just wish I could. Sometimes
I entertain the thought of the hurting to stop it's
like a pyro playing with a match. How far will it go?
losing that thought of reality and making it a memory
of just a fucked up dream. God has shown me his love
by taking everything I hold dear away from me. And
this is the guy I am supposed to trust and love...ha.
He is the sickest one of them all, getting off by
brainwashing people to love him for all of his evil
deeds he has done. I can't get along in the game of
life and I seem to only be able to take steps back
towards my depression. I once was told to trust who I
cared for, now I realize that's some of the worst
advice I have ever been told.
~~~~~~~~~~
Heart
In oneself thy soul hath speaks the truth. Many of
thee just do not listen. All those around do not
understand. I wonder how I will greet thee, The
messenger of death, in silence and joy? My heart has
led me to love all thy who have ment to hurt me.
Cursed to have such a trusting heart I have let it go
once too often. Now broken by fears thy have not
trusted any nor all. does Not the broken heart still
want to trust yet thy soul tells never to love, never
to trust, never to hope, never to care Thy heart has
been broken.............
~~~~~~~~~~
Zombie
I am not dead nor am I alive. I no longer feel any
emotion. Sadness is not one of my problems anymore.
I feel so cold like a corpse. I have tried to cry but
alas the living dead cannot shed tears. I still cannot
figure why my heart keeps beating. I have not eaten in
more then a week, I still am not hungry. I am no
longer binded by this life. I no longer can sleep, for
I have not slept for more then 2 weeks. Reaching out
so many times it's like reaching into the cold there is
nothing there. When people see me they see the scars
on my wrists and the look of death in my eyes they
only flee. I cherish the day when I can see my loved
one again. Yes I am already dead I just dont know it yet.
~~~~~~~~~~
Reality?
If you really wanna know, I wont ever let it show.
Masked faces keep away my dark emotions. I look no
further for what I have seen has bestowed upon me a
life of Chaos and misery. Is this my reality or just
another fucked up dream? I am still hopeing to wake up
still full of life and joy losing all fears of this
reality. I once thought It would be worse to be
physically hurt but i realize now that Mental anguish
can last a life-time. I want so badly to wake up and
realize that this life I now have is just a fucked up dream.
~~~~~~~~~~
Lost
I recoil in fear as you draw near, all I have trusted
in you has been broken. Destined to a life of misery
and darkness embraced only tragidy and atrocity. I try
to shut my eyes and dream of your heavenly face now
and forever more....Just memories I guess. I went to
your funeral but I wish I hadn't. Your eyes glossed
over looking into a forever darkness. I touch your
hands, they feel so cold.....Never able to embrace me
again. I can't help but to give you a kiss goodbye for
I know your soul still feels my heart. I wish it had
not ended this way but you did what you wanted to do
for so long. I hope you found bliss in your new
journey. I will still visit you in my dreams and we
can live up our past and remember the memories we had
together. I promise I will always Remember your life
and not of how you took it. So goodbye my love of life.
You were the only one to embrace me and that was a
gift bestowed upon me that has never been matched.
Please God Stop taking all that I have from me. A man
can have so much faith before He calls it quits and I
have a serious quarrel with you.
~~~~~~~~~~
Phoenix
Well now your gone from me. All my dreams of ever
seeing you again are over. I wish I could have been
there. I wish I could have cried. I guess what I
really wish for was to be able to say goodbye. I loved
you so much I could never give you up, You showed me
so much light in life. I thought one day I could have
held you again but now all I can hold is a tombstone
and your memory. What can you do when all you predict
comes true and still you have noone to believe in you?
Every time I close my eyes I can only see yours. The
blinding light You've shown to me makes my soul burn.
My One prayer was that I could have held you again but
alas my prayers have never been answered. I will still
bring you roses everyday and lie them next to your
grave. I just wish I could have held you for you were
my unending Phoenix. Dedicated to Jacqueline Ladonna
Ridge 3/25/82- 5/27/00 R.I.P "My babe"
~~~~~~~~~~
Scar Tissue
When I made the cut it gave me so much release.
I tried you once or twice, you healed on me and I was dissastifed with you.
So I made even more of you, carving your name or rage and hate and betrayl.
You had so much meaning at first.
I tried to keep you underneath me at first,
but my friends saw you and your marks on me.
They were frightened of you and me.
That's the way it goes I guess.
I didn't feel anymore and I no longer cared what I called you on my skin.
You became deeper as time went on slowly getting
closer to my wrists.
You stopped giving me pain so I wanted even more
from you.
You hit my vein and I bled out.
I thought you would never stop spilling out.
I grew so cold, I could feel my heart slow.
The once clear water became red like the rose.
I thought I could find releasement but only cold and blackness was there.
I thought I had completed my job,
I lost time for who knows how long.
You decided to make me suffer even more and stop
bleeding.
My work so close to being done.
All you left me was this cold pale body that once had a soul.
So here I sit only left with scars and the people I hurt.
That's the way it goes sometimes.
Dont pity me...it only makes it worse.
~~~~~~~~~~
Cold
Peacefullness is all that I hear.
All this torment it's at its end.
Broken by fear losing all that I held near.
I look at you as you run from me.
All your lies break right through me.
Look what I've done, all those that I've hurt.
Encompassed by my own pit of dispair,
Looking for that sparkle that one single flair.
Look at my life, it's now broken by all that I've felt.
All I have shared has been violated in front of me.
Stepping down from the challenge of life.
Look away for I have a forgotten face.
When I look at you it brings tears to my eyes.
All I have now is a tombstone and your memory to cherish.
The flesh it burns but gives me feeling at least.
There is no tommorow there is no future,
All ahead of me there is the darkness.
The cold...it's the only thing that will still embrace me.
~~~~~~~~~~
Love
Where do I go from here.
I've lost all I've known to be close and near.
I cry out and scream and shout but you dont hear me.
I've tried to love but only seemed to be shoved out of the way.
You beat me while I am down, down on the ground.
Do you feel proud of yourself now?
I have been broken by my own fear.
What do I do when all you want is to run from view.
All I've seen is gone in a flash.
I am going to die in this dark cruel world.
Do I really want to go on? No , I don't think so.
That eternal sleep death has offered me.
I don't know which one do I choose.
A fate I know will releave my pain or the continuation of this
dreadful life that continues to punish me by taking all that I love.
All those who try to help me do no good.
I just wish it all to end on this dark dreary day.
I want to cry so badly but no tears will form in my eyes,
It's just my soul trying to escape me and be free.
All this and it still comes as no surprise...