I was driving drunk and slammed into a brick wall at age sixteen. I realised latter in therapy that it was intentional.

Somewhere around age 20, the issue of depression and suicide became a topic of public discussion and slowly the "scarlet letter" of serious depression began to fade. My subconscious realised that I suffered from serious depression, but I never sought help.

Why not? I was too depressed.

Around age 25, I hurt so bad because I couldn't manage romantic relationships that during an hour-long crying fit I screamed, "DEAR GOD MAKE ME STOP FEELING BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND THIS!" I remembered this in therapy and realised that I had succeeded in turning off most of my desire for romance.

Age 30, I decided my goal in life was to outlive my parents. Then I could kill myself with no regrets. I looked forward to it immensely.

I managed to appear fairly normal and was by most measures "successful". I paid my own way through college and earned a degree in Physics. I secured a good public relations job with the regional electric utility, the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA). I became an an avid whitewater kayaker and traveled to Europe, Costa Rica and across the nation to remote and wonderful places.

My last thought every night was a hope that I would die in my sleep. Every morning I woke convinced me that God hated me. At times I felt like I suffered from a split personality. My primary personality was suicidal. The secondary personality was reasonably happy with a positive outlook on life. I looked very logically at my problems and said, "Hey, this is not normal, get help." The personality was heard but somehow could not break through. It always stuck in my mind that the worst depression episodes made me feel very drugged. This sensation was confirmed when I was old enough to "self medicate." Whether it was alcohol or a joint, the "out of body" sensation was strikingly similar to the sensation of depression.

At 35, I knew I was about to be unemployed. TVA had reduced from over 40,000 employees to about 15,000 over a ten-year period. We had advance word that our group was to be "re-organised". TVA's method of re-organising is the corporate version of musical chairs. They fire everyone in a group, form a new group with half the number of chairs, and whoever is left standing when the music ends goes home. I knew based on seniority that I had no chance of having a job. I got my notice along with 750 other souls. I had lot of time to think because the entire process took about six months. I told myself to get help before I lost my insurance. Subconsciously I knew that I would probably kill myself after leaving my job if I didn't.

Finally I called the employee helpline. I told the counselor I needed help with the stress of the pending layoff. That was the understatement of the century. Broke down and sobbed uncontrollably in my first sessions. They gave me Zoloft and said if it worked that it would take a few weeks to kick-in.

WRONG!!......Forty-eight hours after starting Zoloft I could feel it. First sensation was the need to take very deep breaths. Each breath felt like I was sucking in the aroma of every flower that had ever been. The air itself tasted sweet as honeysuckle and I savored every drop. The the veil lifted. MY GOD I felt euphoric! So this is what life is supposed to be! This is what "normal" people call happy! It was as if my brain had been a sponge full of dirt and it was now washed absolutely clean. My feeling of being drugged while depressed was correct.

It is now almost three years after. I have mellowed a little, but that's OK. Life is a struggle and far from perfect. While my life started over at 35, I had HUGE 35-year hole in my life. No dates in over ten years and a very definite sensation of the male biological clock going off. Yes, it happens to men too. I never went to a high school dance or prom and never had a date on Valentine's Day or New Year's Eve.

I have no one that I consider a close friend. This is partly because of depression driving people away and partly because I have been left with and inability to feel close to anyone. I spent two years trying to start my own business after leaving TVA. That has now collapsed and I will soon declare bankruptcy. I am unemployed and unsure of what to do next. But now I understand that many people have been through this and much worse. This is what is called, "normal". Many people are not as lucky as I am. I follow depression newsgroups and see so many people that have little or no reaction to a variety of drugs. I read their messages and hope that some day they will have half the happiness I have experienced.

I have an intense understanding of the cliche "There, but by the grace of God, go I".