I am the oldest of three children (I have 2 younger brothers) and I grew up in a normal family (mum and dad, stable home). My father worked nights, and money was tight..by the time I reached 12 my mother became an alcoholic and started to beat me (only me). She turned my father against me and after my dad started beating me up for things I hadn't done, I began to think that everything was my fault and I started living in a fantasy world.

At 13, I was raped by a stranger(who was never caught) and my world fell apart, I had no one to tell so I tried taking my life..whilst in hospital, the psychologist betrayed my trust and told my parents everything..When I got home the feelings of being 'dirty' took over. I would cut myself, take scalding hot baths, punch myself and bang my head against walls..it didn't make me feel any better. Then at 14 my personality changed and I became aggressive and abusive if I was confronted, I wanted to be left alone. I experienced my first panic attack (I thought I was dying)Anxiety took over, my head hurt my body ached, I had thrush, I was losing weight, voices started telling me that I was crazy and everyone would be better off if I topped myself. When my mum hit me, I would hit her back...in fact I was so enraged I couldn't stop..in school teachers where having a go at me because I couldn't concentrate..so I fought back. I ended up in care and was expelled from school.

I pleaded with my social worker for help but I was ignored..I stopped eating and became withdrawn, after that it was one overdose after another. I ran away from home and was indecently assaulted, I went to the police but they wouldn't listen..when people don't believe you, you start to wonder if you have dreamt the whole thing up and reality is no longer reality..I became even more confused and started destroying property..I would wreck my room nearly everyday and tore up my clothes..At 15 I became an alcoholic, hell bent on dying. At 16, I met my partner (who is 10 years older than me)He was so patient with me, holding me each time I had an attack...but because I was still ill I treated him badly, bullied him probably..I used to kick him out knowing he had no where to go...I was evil..by 18, I had two daughters under 14 months and on top of all my problems I got post natal depression...It was then that I was finally diagnosed.

I had an acute personality disorder..I was put on 8 prozac and 3 dothiapin..I was like a zombie, social services nearly took my children off me because I was so tired and drained. At 21, I got pregnant again and came off my medication(I had to go cold turkey without medical help)After my Son was born, I found it very hard to cope...I still wanted to die, even my children couldn't bring me the joy I so desperately craved..3 more years of medication..at 24, my life changed, my daughters started going to a kids club which was run by our local church...The people who run it visit your area to tell the kids what's happening at the club this week..I got talking to them and to cut a long story short, I became a Christian...I'm not saying I was changed overnight..it was a struggle, but I have finally come through it and with the power of prayer, I no longer take medication and I no longer have any of the symptoms that my doctor told me would stay with me for life...needless to say, my doctor was so amazed, he now has leaflets about our church in the waiting room... Like Catherine, I also find it helps by starting a web site to help others whilst helping yourself. And I wish you all the best of luck for your futures. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not always a train...