Rae's Repertoire

I guess I am guilty of sinning
my sin was in being born
I am good at losing but not winning
and I am tired of seeing the Dawn.

No tears, Nobody will cry
my spirit it wants to fly
Maybe its wrong to live when I want death so bad
I know I can never re-capture the fun I had.

No more will I say I am leaving then in a few days return
for an eternity my soul shall burn
It was good while it lasted
Life is food but I always fasted.

I can’t forget the pain and can’t remember the laughter
this fairy tale has no happy ever after

I would like to be a better person in mind and spirit
with no holds barred pushing everything to the limit,
When I am down in the dumps and ready to jump
of a cliff because tomorrows a stiff opposition
that leaves only one decision, Do I want to change?.

Do I want to change into a better person
who's not afraid to talk
and can walk with his head held high,
And truly can say he does his best to try and if he fails
say what the hell for it doesn't matter
things can only get better
with a little change.

Some say that change is easy but I say that its hard
cos I go through each day always putting up my guard
To stop people finding out the real me inside so I hide
from the truth that I’ve been failing since my youth
And that the once quiet shy guy
is now a raging riot ready to die
so very slowly with pain so unholy
like a lost ghost who at the very most would lose
the right to choose to change.

To change would be to strange because I would become
the person from who I have always run
A person who could be successful in a career and hold life dear
to his heart and thats a start of changing and rearranging
a life that is in turmoil ready to be six feet under the soil
instead of being a person who enjoys socialising
and finds its easy memorising what he did yesterday
so all thats left to say is can change be worth it?.

How can so many years pass so quick
like a fast ride that leaves you feeling sick
for all I know I could already be dead
"I want to die" so many times I have said
now all the facts and the truths I must admit.

I had a dream of a future ahead of me
I didn't realise life would be the death of me
I never made a pact with the devil but I did with misery
I'm only human, I'm only me.

One crazy day I will open my heart
and set free the past that tears me apart
be free of the many upsets
but in the end I just find more regrets

One crazy day I will open my arm
and free the demons and end their harm
then get on with living in the so called normal way
but in the end all I have is one crazy day

I don't want anybodys love
I want nothing from nobody,
Well @#%$ you mister head shrink
You’re going to have to dissect another body.

I have no time for patience
or people, who never stop praising reality,
I keep away from their disturbed shadows
because I know there not like me.

Maybe I do act a little crazy
some could say my actions are weird,
But those who say that
don't know the meaning of fear.

I have no respect for life
It’s just a disease inside my brain,
I have so much but so little
from life I have nothing whatsoever to gain.

Are you still there?
because I can't tell anymore,
I have been with you for so long
that you have become another part of me.

Let's take a ride somewhere
let us @#%$ another suicidal dream,
We could run and run and run
until the rain in our mind falls.

You are what I made you
now you cannot be destroyed,
We are one forever
and there isn't anybody who can help me.

Are you listening to me again?
You’re seeing what I say about you,
You hurt me, hurt me
and there isn't anything I can do.

I have laughed in my face and in the face of pain
lied to myself and said "Don't worry my friend the pain can't last forever
the sun always follows the rain"
I was a fool because I believed what I was saying.

I have ran from dreams into the safety of nightmares
at least in them I know where I stand
I'm going to fuck out the eyes of my demons
then feast on their torment.

I am no longer running from myself
I haven't the time and can't be bothered to put the effort in
So let my judgement day begin
I will throw everything I can at me.

Like the rules we feel the need to break
and the night where our dreams awake
The times are changing but not everything changes
unlike the lessons learnt by are mistakes.

Like the mind often full of confusion and disbelief
you can’t have happiness without suffering a little grief
The weather can be hot although the sun can feel cold
somebody is on the war path but isn’t a warchief.

Like the axe muderer who hasn’t the authority to carry a gun
so I pressume he can’t be a fret to anyone
Like the governments who can’t admit to ever being in the wrong
the engine turns over like words flowing in a song.

Like the pointless wars because of two feuding sides
and the boss who while you work enjoys the free rides
Your worst enemy can often be somebody so close to you
because out in the open can be the best place to hide.

Because my tears don’t fall in public
that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sadness
Some days I don’t feel like talking, eating or living
those days I am called an insensitive bastard.

I go through most days not knowing who I am
and wondering why the only tears I feel are red
If only I could go through one day without feeling so confused
and have the sense of shame at who I've become.

There’s no energy left inside of me anymore
I'm always so tired and I ache all over
My life doesn’t exist if I can help it I've felt the medusa touch upon my naked soul
now every sentence I write is a psalm to me I can see beyond the ink.

I can hear death calling out my name
and I feel inclined to answer.

With a bottle of paracodal and temazepam
both swallowed right
Washed down with export lager
I'11 be sleeping tonight.

I'm feeling tired and I've got double vision
all of you I will soon be missing
I'm going round just drifting around
I'm going round just drifting around.

Going from one place to the other
looking around for cover
But I've got to find peace
I just have to find peace.

One day, one day I will return
give back the life I burned
Will anyone notice, will anyone see
that I was only being one personae.

Trying to understand the way I was
just a child inside a man
Just a child, just a man, just a cross
a power child that got lost...

Don't want to lose you forever
don't want to take that chance
can't see its to dark
inside my heart theres light

Hear the voices as they say your name
but don't look behind you 'cos the truth scares
just live in the knowledge your never be alone
because they will haunt you even after you die.

If I could only find the road to peace
then I would travel through the field of hell to get there
but I only have a map of heartache
so no matter what road I take it always ends at the same place.

One day I'll buy myself a super charged car
and drive with the pedal down from dusk to dawn
risking my life and what's left of my sanity
and that would be all she wrote
The voices that follow us all day and night.

Into our dreams and the source of our fears
hear the voices for they have all the answers
so listen to their weak excuses.

Even the most dangerous of sharks
are finding it much to dark
he says "somebody turn on the lights"
even sharks like to see what they bite.

But now not a million plants
or a thousand a twenty chants
can save them
everything now is polluted
the damage is to rooted
to save them.

The ships still sail by
nobody on them hears the whales cry
because their to busy doing evil deeds
to think what they might be doing to the sea

This is no life to live
more pollution the sky and sea we give
and when we have killed everything below and above
who will say enough is enough

I have the wall of stone
that's been crumbling over the years
I watched all the people offer me advice and help
and one by one watched them disappear.

I am the fool who burns up with anger
at the single blink of an eye
The stupid @#%$ who wants the world
but then gets to nervous to step outside.

I am the preacher who has stopped believing
in the Devil, father, son and holy spirit
I am the poet who hides within his words
so he can choose to push life or death to the limit.

I never loved
like I loved you
I never lived
until I lived with you.
how were we supposed to know the 456 was watching us?.

I used to wait for each new day with anticipation
I awoke with a smile that lasted til the night
Even in my dreams I smiled cos I knew that life couldn’t be any better than this
all my problems and fears that showed themselves I laughed away.

I can remember our last kiss like it was yesterday
but our burning love has become a warm memory
I wish so much that you were back here with me
but you were taken 4 years, 5 months and six days ago today.

Now when I eventually go out I leave my shadow at home
but sometimes I know that it follows me
I could be a good soul and say my prayers each and every night
but I wouldn’t know what they meant or if they were answered
I have found my own kind of faith over the years.

Bless me
worship me
lead me through the garden of roses.

Do you still think of me like I still think of you?
have you solved the riddle of the 456?
If so would you explain it to me if I sleep tonight?

Some people can forgive themselves and others but it takes strength
I have peaceful dreams that become nightmares of reality
I truly am a coward
my white flag is flying.

When nobody at all can understand you least of all yourself
why should you try and keep explaining the feelings inside so strange?
Reality was the biggest joke ever told but its never made me laugh
at the end of the day the joke is always on me.

Death is the closet I have come to a dream
and although I realise that isn’t such a good thing
I no longer care about most things least of all what's right or wrong
I am still playing at being that rebel without a cause
but the rebel died long ago.

My family only notices me when they want something
other than that I really don’t exist to them
Still after all this time the black sheep of the family
still looked upon as the familiy’s failure, every family has one.

Just because I am no longer under hospital care they think I am cured
but they don’t know the half of it
My problems seem bigger and badder than ever thats why my heart has died
and because there is never any love around for it to feed on.

A heart can’t live without love and this rebel has lost his cause
I do have feelings and I do feel so much pain
I just have never been able to show them that well.

His family and friends couldn’t help him or understand
because to them he never poured out his heart
Insane thoughts ran free through his mind constantly
and so began tearing his final defences apart.

All this pointless misery and and depression
has led me into a stressful situation
I feel like I am going crazy with all this pain
my sanity still hasn’t returned from its annual vacation.

Right or wrong I face the truth that is riddled with lies
with angry elephants wanting back their tusks
some say it's Tuesdays others Wednesday while I say who gives a @#%$
it only matters if you want it to matter.

A choice was made long before I was born
that choice depended on a reason or two
but no reasons came and now I have no choice
but to face the whole truth.

Shadows fall even at midnight
to be seen only by my eyes
dusty memories resurface
no one sees how I cry

Forgive me if I want to share
the going's on in my head
Do your thoughts confuse you
until you fall to your knees half dead.

Listening to the walls it's no suprise
they have heard so many tears cry
My eyes have seen bad times so rough
when I hid my emotions and acted so tough

Forgive me but I feel the need to scream
cos living is such a nightmare
Whether the light is off or on
I know somebody is always there.

When those sordid feelings come like rain
when another piece of me dies in vain
I look to the sky so bold and blue
and see angels blocking the rain's view.

There isn't any sound of tears as usual
nor the screams of laughter from across the road
On my knees I make this proposal
make reality from the words showed.

Today will be the same as the last
24 hours of hell with death in my grasp
I don't want to laugh I don't want to cheer
i just want today to disappear.

I'm the man who lies, steals and cheats
I could fight the feelings but it's easier to give in to defeat,
So I'm taking the hand of the devil in torment I'll settle
and soon I will have this thing called life beat.

I have had torched every dream I had
then suddenly bad got really bad,
I was left with only one thing to say
let this be my last day.

I looked around but couldn't see anybody
why were they crying what could of happened?
The tears so close almost upon me I couldn't escape them
I looked outside then went back upstairs.

I turned on all the lights so I could easily see
but there wasn't anybody there
So I walked back to my bed
as I did I glimpsed in the mirror and realised it was me crying.

When I think of tomorrow
or even think of today
I'm so scared

that I might lose control
Beware of the future
and cautious of the past
I'm scared of them and the present
and there isn't anything I can do.

When I look outside
it scares me
When I look at myself
it scares me.

Another day where I'm feeling useless, reckless, couldn’t care less
I opened my eyes this morning then realised I hadn’t been sleeping
once again I am completely sorrounded covered in shame
I smell it I can see the stains of a wasted, pitiful life.

Even after all the bullshit you get told, forced into you all your life
you don’t always have the right to choose your path in life
because don’t think for one second I want to be the way I am
I would just like to live a proper life for one day is that to much to ask?.

Lies, truth a phantasm disguised as my muse
for those of you who resist the curiosity I pity your spirit
This poem isn’t the devil’s kiss but I am beginning to panic
because I know I must ask the brother for guidance and he’s a real bastard.

I know thats it's wrong asking for a slice of heaven when I've eaten the devil’s pie
I feel so lonely, so cold that I can’t stop shaking I know something is wrong
Could it be because I have lived this way for so long I'm not sure
or cos I keep making my bed but never sleep, cook but seldom eat?.

A new year already started to fly past like the year before
yesterday I was hearing ”ho, ho, ho” telling santa where he can go, go, go
My says to me not to give up but my mind says should it's to much of a struggle
yesterday was today and today is tomorrow my life is in the hands of the brother.

Im gonna make myself suffer for eternity
it would be so easy to end my life so small,
But I'm gonna do what I hate most
and pray that tomorrow comes so beautiful.
I'm gonna pay for all my sins
and not give in without a fight,
I'm gonna fight the demons
that attack all day and every night.

You thought you were safe when you checked the windows
you believed you could go into dreamland when you locked the door
but every fear you ever had is going through your mind over and over again
maybe you were dreaming but then there wouldn't be the creaking floor

You know that you are trapped
you could make it to the telephone, but wait
the front door slams close and you grab your clothes
this could be the moment to escape

But curiosity gets the better of you so you go to the bedroom door
slowly creeping downstairs so carefully you creep
if only you had remembered curiosity killed the cat with an axe
and now you are never going to have another peaceful sleep.

A sigh of relief as you search each and every room
was it only your imagination?, no because you've sealed your doom
because from behind a door a shadowy figure leaps
reality kills you

Why when people see me laughing
do they think that I'm happy?
if I am so happy
why do I pray sometimes for the Brother to take my life?.

So when the torture ends
am I supposed to get up and walk away?
if reality does really exist
where can it be found?.

After the laughter has finished
why does the sadness return?
If I am close to being sane as the saying goes
why doesn't anything feel different?.

Oh Brother!

I no longer want to play the stupid games in life we all play
I walking back on the path of self destruction from which I strayed
I just have to finish this one card game but death won't deal me
as I walk back into the darkness that has become my light I say eternity kill me.

I have never been a person who has looked for the danger signs carefully
but someone who has made it through the day almost carelessly
Sometimes I feel there is so much about life and living I could learn
and begin to say "I want my turn"
but then I have a change in personality.

Open my head and if you want tread inside
but don't have feelings unsure as you notice the evil on the floor
Open wide my eyes and seek my tears, smell out my fears
just make certain that you don't lose sight of my mind's door,
Sometimes I admit happiness I crave cos of life has made me a slave
let me hang high all my sorrows
so I can find my way to a better tomorrow.

A hole in my mind so wide
emptiness and confusion are piled up inside
I have now ran out of places to hide
I want to disappear with the tide.

Why am I under the waves of despair?
why to me has life always been so unfair?
I don't know when I lost the need to care
or how I missed out on having my share.

For if this is all life can offer me
it might aswell not bother me
Because too much sadness covers me
and confusion it forever smothers me.

When will this all end?
how much further down must I descend?
Because if I am to suffer time and time again
then the day will come and I'll have to say when.

A pain buried inside of me so deep
I have a longing to fall asleep
I feel somebody maybe me has cheated me
life for sure it has cheated me.

Sleep you poetical sinners of the grave
I used to be the master of my words but now I am the slave
I have never had any glimpses of a future in my wasteful time
but I have witnessed the darkness that lives in my mind.

I am a prisoner in a self made prison and have never tried to escape
I could fight my way into the world but can't cut through the red tape
I have always found it easier to play the fool
and now not for more than a few minutes can I sit and concentrate.

I know that I have paid the price of living but am still being charged
the future is within my grasp but just can't reach that far
Tomorrow will come and will bring its friends of misery
soon the war must end that rages daily within me

I've taken all I can
I find life hard to understand
I've done all that I can do
I can no longer see life through.

I have found
life only brings me down
I have seen
the darkness in my dreams.

I've taken all I can
I still don't understand
I've done all I can do
just bit off more than I could chew.

But I couldn't wake myself up
I didn't know what to say or do
I simply stood there over my bed
saying over and over again to myself "It can't be true".

I walked across the room and switched on the light
and then I saw the empty pill bottle
Maybe I dropped the bottle and the tablets fell to the floor
if I had the strength then my own throat I would surely throttle.

I tried to telephone the hospital but it was engaged
so I decided that I would make myself comfortable
So I dressed myself in clean clothes and washed my hands and face
and then I corrected all the spelling mistakes in my suicide note.

When my tears had finally dried up
and with the approaching dawn
I covered my body in gasoline
and sat and watched as my ashes scattered across the back lawn.

Through all my wrongs and rights here I still stand
so deal the cards of life and lets have another hand
Because win or lose it doesn't matter
I have seen the good person inside of me shatter
and my strentghs fell through my fingers like grains of sand.

Long ago I used up all my hopes and dreams and every last wish
I left myself with only regrets of all the days that I missed
Cos I was to busy running from my life and humming sad tunes
from my birth my soul and spirit were eternally doomed.

Now the days pass some quick others to slow
I can go for days without letting a single word flow
I lost faith in living and now simply try to survive
each new day is a new hell but at least I can say im alive(yeah, sure).

How did it all start and what made me this way?
some believe it was cos as a child I wouldn't go out and play
I always felt safest alone spending hours in my bedroom
I was told I was strange to do this and so began the writing of sad tunes,
Labelled as lazy and unsociable not crazy and feeling life to uncomfortable.

Nobody around me knew of mental illness let alone me
so I began facing alone uknown insecurities
Win or lose it doesn't matter cos to me life is only a game
deal the cards but I bet I am dealt a bad hand again.

There isn't any ledge for me to cling to
I must face the dangers that lie ahead
This is something I have no choice but to see through
even if it means I must walk where only fools fear to tread.

What have you got if not hopes and dreams?
all I have is a life that is falling apart at the seams
There isn't anything I can do but accept my fate
and see through this noteworthy state.

There aren't any words that could change my point of view
this is purely one more race that I am going to lose
And if somebody says that I do have the right to choose
then I tell them to spend just one day in my shoes.

My outcome in life has already been signed and sealed
there can be no change in direction for my destiny
I have the cards of life and the three aces I try to conceal
because the loser as always must be me.

Now there can be no more excuses or opportunities to fail
I must put an end to this living hell
I am just another victim who drowned in life's lake
and now I truly proclaim my noteworthy state.

Every time I lose I know somebody else wins
some poor soul becomes free with every one of my sins
I have become to muddled up that I am beyond repair
even if so many people wish to advise show and me they care.

There can and will be only one solution
I have to put a stop to all this mental pollution
Everybody knows that time never waits
so I truly proclaim my noteworthy state.

I watched the explorer once as he was exploring
I could run fast but he could always run much faster
And I screamed aloud but he could always scream louder
now I am walking down this lonely road alone.

Desperation has once again entered into my life
if I listen hard enough I can hear God laughing at me
Sometimes it's as if even the poetry seems incomplete
maybe I finally have become my own worst enemy.

Why work when you can play?
if you think you know the real me sorry you don't,
When it isn't good but as good as it's ever going to get
with 456 poems written ten times over.
I'm never what you expect to see
what monsters in my head giving false answers weekly,
Acts of pure weakness hang around like smells from a lavatory
eyes see but not always the truth.

It is possible to live without knowing it
kiss the wind and those liars play their cruel games,
One day every answer will show itself loud and clear
for now I believe this game is real.
Every one of us born with a killing instinct
as mighty as the devil can make a sound,
The truth hurts me like a knife deep in my soul
life is a cruel game and I must find the missing link.