How long will it be?
How much will it take?
For me to see the truth,
And realize what's fake?

Proven yourself,
On countless occasions,
You are the reason,
For my abrasions.

The sole offender,
That killed me inside,
Beat me up,
And took away my pride.

And once again,
You ask for forgiveness,
But I don't think you notice,
My pain was tremendous.

You say you'll stop,
You never do,
You never will,
You don't follow through.

With the words you say,
And the thoughts you think,
But now the truth is,
Our friendship is on the brink.

But no, I don't think so,
It's already gone,
If you think I'm coming back,
You're sure as hell wrong.

You think I'm a yo-yo,
And I'll always return,
But soon you'll see,
Soon you will learn.

That string is broken,
It's long past snapped,
Now you are the one,
Left completely trapped.

Trapped in time,
It all stands still,
And gives you the chance,
To remember at will.

Where you screwed up,
All the things you said and did,
And we all know so well,
The emotions you hid.

Or maybe you didn't feel,
Either way it hurts,
Now you are the one,
Left lonely in the dirt.

Out of my life,
All that's left is the past,
But in my mind,
You are fading fast.

I want you out,
A memory forgotten,
All the relationships we've had,
Quickly turned rotten.

But the funny thing is,
I don't have regrets,
I don't wish it was you,
That I hadn't met.

I learn from my mistakes,
I won't do it again,
After so many chances,
You can't get back in.

Now you will experience,
What the outcome will be,
See how you like it,
Life without me.

If I close my eyes,
You'll all disappear,
All that's left is the truth,
And unprotected remains my fear.

Of life itself,
And what I may become,
A nobody to everybody,
Invisible to some.

Uncaring, unyielding,
Screaming looks of despair,
Doesn't matter to them,
And life seems so unfair.

I yearn for your help,
Get me out of this place,
A land of reality,
Stares me dead in the face.

When my eyes remain closed,
This is what goes through my head,
Fear that I'm dying,
Or that I'm already dead.

And sometimes I wonder,
Would that be so bad,
But then I remember,
The life I once had.

Is my life reality or fiction,
I'll never know,
Until the end of my life,
Smiling I will go.

Through the pain and heartache,
Stay happy through it all,
And from my aching brown eyes,
A silent tear must fall.

But when I open my eyes,
My world comes rushing back,
My unreal reality,
Another confusion to add to the stack.

I look back at my past,
A fog-filled, hazy place,
And then I think is it possible,
For my sadness to be erased.

I don't feel it now,
It's been a few days,
But depression is like that,
Seeming to go away.

But coming right back,
And pushing you forwards,
Closer and closer to the edge,
The end of life you walk towards.

My world used to be unclear,
And I couldn't find a happy thought,
But now they're all swimming in my head,
Just waiting to be caught.

I love so many,
And I'm loved right back,
The feeling is amazing,
And it set me back on track.

My friends bring me out,
Of the dumps when I cry,
My friends tell me,
I'll never let you die.

When they tell me they love me,
I know that it's true,
And every time they say it,
It makes me anew.

It refreshes my soul,
Cleanses my heart,
All the people that love me,
All hold a part.

A part of me and who I am,
Of who I have become,
A smiling young woman,
Admired by some.

And the others that don't,
Well that's okay,
I've been renewed,
Forgetting yesterday.

Eighty-plus years ago, two doves did appear
To begin their journeys on earth.
They were peaceful creatures, in peaceful times,
Their families gentle, their friends good and kind,
And so it was, as their travels began.
Each grew of age, and spread their wings,
To view the world in which they lived.
Then during flight one day, did discover each other,
The foundation was laid, to begin soaring together.
Never boldly flying, but steadily sailing,
Not expansive or showy, only calm and serene.
A bonded duo across valleys and hills,
Soaring high in the sun, sheltered together in storms.
Making home in the forest, their journey continued,
Producing one, and then two, till the nest numbered five.
Their song could be heard for miles and miles,
Sweet music they sang, and taught to the five.
Yet the day finally came, when one dove was gone,
The notes not as cheery in the other dove's song,
The sky not as filled, with just one silhouette,
The wind a bit colder, with just one pair of wings,
The nights a bit longer, as the remaining dove slept.
Days passing as this, until the time had arrived,
For the remaining dove to also be gone.
No song could be heard, no shadows in flight,
For the ones who remained, as they watched the skies.
But the sky being endless, those below could not see,
That above as one dove waited, the other came near.
The notes so familiar, to the songs from before,
Sweet music began in the air once more,
The two doves together, united forever again.

I visited you, my love,
and arrived with flowers to give,
knowing how much you love roses,
especially ones from our lovely garden.
I smiled, remembering each morning,
waking to find one beside my pillow,
you picked before leaving for work.
Then my mind drifted back to reality
and as a single tear rand down my cheek,
I remembered where I was, and what I
was there for...
And kneeling down, I sobbed...
for what once was,
and for what will never be again...
And picking myself up to leave you again,
and walking away from your cold tombstone
made me wish for the millionth time
since you've been gone
that I could join you...
just to see your face once again...

As I sit here in the darkness
of my room,
My life flashes before my eyes...
I often wonder who I've become,
Who is this person I see before me?
You made me who I am today...
Or was it me?
Who is to blame?
The pain you caused
still haunts me every day...
Why did you do this to me?
When I met you, I was an innocent
And naive young girl,
Now I'm a confused, broken,
Fragile, angry woman
Who often wonders "why?"
Why did you treat me that way?
Why did you have to use me
And destroy what I could have become?
Why did I allow myself
To fall victim to your games?
Who is this person
Looking into my eyes in the mirror?
I can see the sadness
lurking from the depths of my soul...

A single tear runs down my cheek
As I think of your eyes, your touch,
And I remember all the evil
I saw and felt there...
I gave you everything I had,
And you took it and kept it,
And it's still there with you somewhere....
You did this to me --
You turned me into
This person that I am --
And I don't even recognize her...
You took my love,
My heart,
You took my happiness
And left me with an emptiness
That nothing has been able to fill.
You took a huge piece of me
With your lies, your anger, your hatred;
Physically, mentally, emotionally,
You abused me in every way...
And although you made me
Stronger, tougher,
You also left me frail,
Because loving you came
With a heavy price...
One I'll pay for
For the rest
Of my life...

The house,
The memories,
The places,
Bring back the dreams,
You're always there,
I love you forever,
I think that you are here,
Sitting in your chair,
Taking your medicine,
Playing games,
It brings back the memories,
Then the tears,
I miss you,
The reality sets in,
I sit there and think,
Why you?
I knew you were sick,
But couldn't he wait,
Just a few more months,
You wanted just one more christmas,
I wanted just one more memory,
Why know, Why my gran?

I used to be so naive,
Making shapes from the clouds in the sky,
Believing with all my heart,
That only love could get me by.
But now my coffee is getting cold,
And my cigarette burns itself away.
Yesterday the sun did shine,
But it's not shining today.
So I lay my head down on my couch,
And I dream of how it used to be.
I've come so far from where I was,
But my god, I wish I couldn't see,
How dark the world can get,
All these evils that men will do,
I've seen it and I pray my friend,
That none of it happens to you.

Hunger.
A single blade of pallid paper descending across the maple wood of my small table.
The scratch of a number two pencil creating the expressions onto a leaf of provisions.
My starving soul, with an appetite for words.
Poetry.
I am indifferent to the world, as I devour the language that keeps me ravenous.
As I fill the paper with pictures of my existence, my eyes jade.
For I envy those who are complete, while I am still starving for closure to this poem that will not end.
The candle to my right is gradually fading out, the wax descending onto my arm, hot and burning.
When will this end?
The greed I acquire for this obsession that I am powerless to grasp,
when will it release its rigid hold upon my life and be gone,
let me rest, slumber in the tranquility of my life form, allow my hunger to depart.
I have no appetite.
This immortal being that captures my aura with its black veil,
it haunts the sacred soil, shackles cling to its feet.
It wants me, I am trapped in the void of my past,
I fear this place that I may depart my life in,
I want to go home, my stomach is growling, feed me the paper.
I crave the emotional security it holds, please, feed me, it is my necessity.
The one essential of my life, one day I will no longer be hungry, and I will exist departed.
But for now my body will remain vacant, unnourished. STARVED.

We are the ones that scream and shout
We are the ones you never doubt
Our voices never heard
But we are most absurd

Our tears are never seen
We have to wipe them clean
No one can help
We're just here, a mental belt

People pass us by
With not the flicker on an eye
They do not listen
And if they look they'll see no glisten

No body has time
Wrapped up in their own prime
Everybody hears
Too busy with their own careers

We are the ones you never get to know
Left alone in the cold winter snow
We are the ones that get knocked down
When we get up, no one sees the frown

We are the ones that slip by
With only a sigh
We are the ones the silence kills
As the body takes the pills

We are the ones, then one day
We are the ones we hear you say
How did you, get away?
Away forever, forever in a day.....

I can't carry on with this charade
I am so tempted to pick up a blade
Should I resort to the weak escape
Shoot a bullet from my mouth to my nape
I made some mistakes & now I'm in debt
To feel so depressed it's beyond regret
I ask for help but no-one wants to know
They don't realise how much arrogance they show
I apologise to all of those that I can stand
But forgiveness for them seems to be banned
So now I'm depressed lost and alone
To me little compassion is shown
And those that do can't help me out
They don't know how or what it's about
Cruel and ignorant people claim I want attention
Someone caring would have been prevention
They can't see the truth before their eyes
So now my only happiness comes from natural highs
As my world continues to fall
I am completely sick of it all

I look along the blade
And watch it shimmer
I've dived into the ocean
I am a swimmer
I am the master
I have the power
To put out my arm
And then to devour
I look at my skin
And then say amen
It seems it makes me
Whole again

No one believes me,
They think I'm too chicken s***,
But I'm really not; soon you'll see,
And today I'll take my last hit.
Hit at life and what it's worth,
What I mean to them,
Who gives a f***?
If in my own blood I swim.
If I slit my wrists,
And end my life,
End the sadness,
End the strife.
I wait for my life to get better,
Wait and wait with no avail,
Chances are pointless and no one cares,
And my heart always seems to wail.
I'll prove you wrong,
Soon all the mistakes you've made,
In life that lead to death,
Will rush before you with no delay.
You'll realize my thoughts weren't bulls***,
That I was never f***ing with you,
I was waiting for my pain to escalate,
Until my final act I must do.
You think your words don't mean s***,
But every word you say,
Makes a difference in what I do,
And if I come to school the next day.
You think I'm just screaming for attention,
And in some sorts I guess that's true,
I need your love, your attention I suppose,
I wish I were your best friend too.
But God knows I don't have that anymore,
All the good thoughts we've shared are gone,
But only because you want them to be,
And if you think I don't still love you, you're wrong.
You are still my best friend,
Even if you don't feel the same,
But until the day that I die,
I'll play this maddening game.
A game with my heart,
That says you still care,
But, Jonny, I know,
Your love isn't there.
It's gone forever,
Never coming back,
Just like me,
And the love that I lack.

The hunger inside has taken over my life,
The only way to relieve it is to cut with a knife,
No one has any idea what I feel,
And I wonder to myself - is it even real?

The emptiness surrounds me like a mist,
And in all my anger I clench my fist,
The red drops of blood flow from my skin,
And I wonder to myself - is it all 'cos of him?

I wander around the streets with a head full of cotton,
And I look down on my body, decaying and rotten.
The price I have paid for an innocent kiss,
And I wonder to myself - is it worth all of this?

My lowest point always comes at night,
When I lie in my bed and I turn off my light.
That's when I wish I was nothing but bone,
And I wonder to myself - is it too late to phone?

But what would he care if I dared to call,
I'd only be setting myself up for another fall.
So I take out my knife and I cut through the skin,
And I wonder to myself - will I ever be thin?

In the arms of Angels
lies my baby that never was.
His cradle sways empty
waiting in vain for him.
Pulled from the gift of life
not to breathe one breath.
Sweet innocence never opened
blue eyes to see his mothers face.
He never felt my touch or kisses.
Didn't hear my whispers of goodbye.
Even before the final push
He had left my body.
The longing to mother is unquenched.
How tormenting it is for the womb
once full, now empty, to also
leave a mother's arms empty.
How selfish it was to give
a gift and take it back
leaving me irreversibly broken.

Died with you was a piece of my heart;
And my love and devotion to you will never apart.
All the words in the world I cannot express what I feel
All the memories of you in my mind will now stand still.
You were taken from this world I just can't see why;
For you and I never even got a chance to say goodbye.
So what does the future hold for me now that you're gone;
Because our love always held a strong bond.
We made a life, a human together;
For that, this bond will stay strong forever.
We wanted more for him than what we had;
And now that your gone we will forever be sad.
Now our plans can't be fulfilled as expected
Your son and I will stand forever affected.
He now will never know the love of his father's warm blood
And the thought of this will always bring my eyes to a flood.
You loved him so much it was not hard to see
Our son is the only one who can share that with me.
So I thank you for leaving me with part of you
And when he grows old he'll be thanking you too.
For us you'll be waiting, that is the one thing that's clear
So now when I die I know I'll have nothing to fear.
Again - together we will live happily in the heavenly sky
But till then...................................
I bid you this dreadful goodbye.

You never know how long you will be with someone.
You never know how long your love will last.
So with this thought in mind, focus on the future, not the past.
You never know when someone will leave you.
You never know how long they will stay.
So with this thought in mind, tell them how much you love them in every single way.
You never know when your time is up.
You never know when it's your time to go.
So with this thought in mind, let you life ponder and grow.
You never know what you have until it's gone.
You never know what you held until it slips away.
So with this thought in mind, hold on tight to tomorrow, tonight and yesterday.
You never know what the future holds.
You never know when you will forget your past.
So with this thought in mind, don't let the one's you love most fall through your grasp.

Why is it that I write?
I cannot really say,
the words roll around in my head
untill they see the light of day.
Today it may be about race cars,
tommorrow, maybe one for my girl,
or like Stephen King
I start killing things,
with my pen in hand
I'm just a man
who goes around destroying the world.

I am a word painter,
a master of ryhtrmed rhyme,
I write by the hours
and I've been at it for a real long time.
The words nag to get on paper,
kinda constant tap on my brain,
they scream and shout
about getting out
gotta make them real
so I can heal
the itch that drives me insane.

I didn't chose this ocupation,
THEY made me what I am,
a lyricist of mortals
deathwatch of living man.
Still, I don't really mind it,
I like to fill the empty lines,
from black to white
I control the night
make magical dreams
and hellish scenes
and see'rs out of the blind.

I am an invisible planet builder
a lord of the mind.
My wish is to place these words
where others may come and find
thirty seconds of freedom
a half minute for the soul to peek
at what's outside
of where it hides
you see, these are We,
much more than what we see,
WE are the words that we speak.

Longer than Forever
That is how much I love Thee,
Longer Than Forever
More than Eternity.

You're in my every thought, my every word, my every desire...
You fill my nights with ectasy, light my passion with your fire.

Longer than Forever
That is how long I will be True,
Longer than Forever
Is how long I will love You.

Confusion runs through my mind,
My thoughts I just can't find.

What I want and how I feel,
If only I knew what to be real

For you my heart does beat,
And for you my love is complete.
For you the stars do shine,
And for you my love is devine.
For you I do what I do,
And for you my love is true.

Just to make you happy
You know I tried so hard
I did my very best
But never made it far
To keep you up
I kept everything inside
I gave you my wings
Just so you could fly
I've been pushed to much
This is as far as I can go
It all seems unreal
Because you didn't even know
Being so smothered by you
I've never breathed at all
You wanted to walk
So I said I'd crawl
Everything is changing
I'm not who I was before
When I look in the mirror
I don't recognize me anymore
Nobody was there
To tell me what to say
I'm down to my last option
I'm trying to runaway
Somehow just can't
I end up back here
Looking at you
Trying not to shed a tear
I want you so much
but not this way
How can I be with you
When I fear you everyday?
I believe everything you told me
Even when you said you'd always be here
Inspite of all your promises
You've left me with my tears
My vision is so blurry
My hands won't stop shaking
You've finally broken me down
Mt strength is slowly fading
My mind plays our good times like a movie
If only it was still that way
Can someone grant me a wish?
I wish for one more day
When everything was good
Being together felt right to me
I never could have known
I would just be your property
I gave up everything for you
I guess you didn't see it
Everythng you wanted
I tried my best to be it
Look at me now
After I gave you my soul
I am slowly dieing
Under YOUR control

I AM THE GOD OF IGNORANCE
I AM THE GOD OF FOOLS
I CREATE UNCERTAINTY
WITH A STRICT SET OF RULES

You are the people of arrogance
You are the people of tools
You create selfishness
And teach it in your schools

My nightmare is my life
One which is ever present
No one can take the pain away.
They say it is up to me
But no matter how hard I try
Living remains a nightmare.
And I get no where. The pain remains
Tired, forever tired of living in pain.
The black abyss.
I just want a period of health.
To be able to feel happiness by its self
And not the nightmare inside as well.
Always a false façade,
Always the pain of the nightmares,
Never the joy of life.

No one hears the silent scream
The silent scream from the smiling face
The pain inside, desperate to escape
The mixed up mind
Crying out loud
Crying out for help and understanding
Crying for someone to help ME to understand

Please stop the pain
Before I have to
My actions may go to far

Pieces,
So many pieces,
Picking up the pieces.

I'm tired,
I'm tired picking up the pieces,
Always having to pick up the pieces
And start again.
Is that what life is all about?
Is that what life is?

Pieces,
Painful pieces.
Starting again and again,
Picking up the pieces.

Courageous, inside.
That's why you pick up the pieces.
Strength from within,
To pick up the pieces and start again.

You have it within.
But you have to look for it!
Take care of yourself.
When you find it,
Nurture it.

You can blossom again,
Picking up the pieces.

She is out of control
She is dangerous and wild
As she defiles the body
That he once defiled
Instead of tears
It is blood that is flowing
Along with the pain, and danger of knowing
There is now a deep gaping hole
Not only in her body, but deep in her soul
She's out of control
She's dangerous and wild
Tying to numb the pain
Again and again.
~~~~~~~~~~
Top


Perfect - contributed by Mary

Outside or inside
I thought
Was I wrong?
The window was so hazy
I couldn't see through
Breaking the glass
I cut myself
Outside in the cold
Bleeding and crying
The stars were silent
Burning forever
But never again
For you and I

Would not it be better for me to end this now?
Isn't it better for me to cease,
Than to slowly degrade until you put me out yourself?
You don't know how much you really do hurt me.
You cause these thoughts.
These thoughts that scare me.
You make me feel so useless.
Such a nuisance.
That is I.
All I do is cause more pain in your life.
Why do I stay in it?
Is there any reason to?
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.
In your life,
And in all the others life's.
And this is why I am doing this.
No more pain for you!

Am I just not good enough for you?
Do I not meet the requirements?
It's getting pretty darn hard
Trying to please everyone.
What's the point?
There isn't one.
I must make the choice.
I can't just change myself
To make it more convenient for you.
I am just I.
Nothing more.
I am starting to not care
What you or anyone else thinks.
Or if you like the clothes I wear.
I wear them to suit me.
Not you.
It once was for you.
Never again.
Never again will I transform myself for anyone but me.
No, never again.
Never again.

I choose not to be stamped as a "prep" or a "freak,"
I choose not to be stamped as a "dork" or a "geek."
I don't know why this must be,
I don't know why you label me.
I am not product in your factory,
No, I am no product.
I am just me.
There is no reason to want a clone for a friend,
Someday you'll realize we're all the same in the end.
If you are too shallow,
Or just can't soak this in,
Then I guess the end result will be conformity wins.
You must change your ways,
Before it's too late,
'Cause I fear what's eating your heart is hate.
Stop judging now,
Just stop it and cease.
We'd have a better world if we kept the peace.

I don't want to let you in.
To let you know how I truly feel.
You would then have control.
Control of my emotions,
Control of my thoughts,
Control of me.
It's scary to think you could do that.
With one word.
With one gesture.
You could drain me of my love.
Drain me of my ideas.
Drain me of my personality.
Would you promise?
Promise not to hurt me.
Promise not to drain me.
Promise not to take advantage,
Of this control?

Death! HaHa.. I welcome it
Everyone loves a dead person
When people think of a dead person
They always say:
He was so nice
He was so kind
I really liked him
And I wish I spent more time with him
As I decide whether to be or not to be
This comes into my mind
Do I want to be admired or ignored?
If I end this, admiration will come
All life is a series of painful moments
There is no joy for me
I must end it
Maybe in death, my joy will come
Maybe people will admire me for the person I am
They won't discredit me because of my looks
Lord save my soul because I am on my way to you

I listen to the sound of cars from my window,
Right now, at this time I feel really low.

Kids scream, yell, run around and play,
Wouldn't it be great to be out there today.

I light up a smoke and think of the past,
Wishing upon wishing, for it to last.

I've been on this Earth for more than 70 years,
I remember the bad times including the tears,
But I also remember the good times when I once was a child at play,
Screaming, yelling, and to run around on that sweet summer day.

What do I care any more?
These long months of heartace have slowly numbed my mind.
I care for no one, even my own life seems worthless.
Several times I have pondered the idea of ending it all.
After all what good can I do in this cruel and twisted world?
Who would want me anyway?
I lie on my bed in my darkened room, listening to something dull I can't make out the words.
Through bleary eyes and salts tears I reach for the razor blade.
My arms & wrists trickle with warm blood.
I'm in a world of my own, even to the pain I have become sensless.
Once upon a time the pain was my adrenalin, me energy & my way of letting all
Wrong seep out of my body.
Now I can't even get that right.
By now I must know every single inch of the ceiling as this is my focal view point.
Nothing anyone can do will pease me, I can't eat.
I won't eat, slowly my weight begins to fall but I still feel ugly & overweight.
I haven't bothered working at school for weeks, now my grades begin to slip.
I'm so tired I can barely lift my arms,
My head hurts if think, if I breathe my chest aches.
Every night i cry with frustration, because I'm so exhausted & yet I lie awake
For hours not being able to sleep.
I love everything about you.
I hate you for putting me through this yet I love you & it hurts ever so bad knowing that I cant be with you.
They just dont understand.
All that matters is him, no-one believes me, Ha! I don't need anyone else.
I can manage on my own.
So what I like him. Why is that such a hard concept to grasp?
You wouldn't want to be inside my mind. It's a real scary place in there.
Picking up my mobile I text a desperate plea for help.
Even though it's late you seem quick to reply offering kind words and advice.
Roll on friday. I owe you so much!
Without your help god knows where I would be or what I would have done.
One of these days
I'm going to get over him, I've made a promise.
It's good to talk.

I tried to kill myself this weekend.
I just thought you should know

Why are you doing this to me?
Not even two weeks ago we were out
Laughing
At this exact scenario
YOU said it was childish
Obscene
Elementary
What he was doing
What he was saying
Trying to control my life

But now you join the ranks
The ranks of BOYS
Who hurt
Destroy
Ravage
Play
Play like a three-year-old that plays with Tonka trucks
With MY heart, MY mind

And who's shoulder if there for me to cry on?

NO ONE

My friends are all occupied
With boy friends of there own
Or they refuse to talk to me because of you
I went out on a ledge for you
A ledge that has left me
ALONE
I find myself in solitude.
My best friend has fallen under the spell
Of a boy
Nobler than you
But she has sold herself into the
BONDAGE
Of courtship
Her mind plays tricks on her
Telling her she is NOTHING
Without a boyfriend
He is the only thing in her life right now
And I am only cool enough for her if I
Have a
BOYFRIEND
If not she has no time for me
And I am nothing

I saw you
Looking at me
When you came home on Friday
And to be honest
My heart SKIPPED a beat
And when you said, "I guess I could stay"
I thought you might actually talk to me
There was an awkward moment between us
I hope no one noticed
THEY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND

I saw the look in your eye
I knew you got my message
Why didn't you say anything?
It was eleven days ago when we last saw each other that YOU told ME
To call you
I counted the days
11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
And I called you

I saw you
You gave me that smirk
With the corner of your top lip curled ever so slightly inward
WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU CALLED?

I know how you have screwed with girl's minds in the past
I know how you deserted them and played your little mind games
I'm sorry to tell you that won't work with me
I already know all of your little secrets.
I was the one you told them to.

I thought this would be different
That you treasured my FRIENDship more than this
But I should have known

You know,
I don't have to wait around for you.
Remember your opponent in the folly games with my heart?
Well his girlfriend called
And retracted his leash
And when she asked him about me
He said we were just "friends with benefits'
Wait, you remember, I already told you this story
Right?
Well he is trying to mark his claims on my heart
STILL
By trying to hook me up with one of his mindless friends that is
Obsessively
Compulsively
Hopelessly
In love with me

And I must admit, it is kind of nice to have that kind of power over people
What am I saying, you know
That is exactly what you are doing to me.

Why am I berating myself over this?
I know that I am still something without you
It just doesn't feel like I am much
I know that you aren't the only guy in the world
But you are one of the best
I know that I can go on without you
It will be hard though, not only am I losing a good friend, I'm losing you

I tried to kill myself this weekend.
I just thought you should know
But don't kid yourself into thinking that
YOU'RE the reason
Why
I did it.
No
I tried to do it because of this feeling inside of me
This feeling of despair
Of sadness
Sorrow
This constant mournfulness that I feel,
Like a part of me has died
So, this is what depression feels like.

When I have no one to turn to
A gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
And a bottle of prescription pills become my solace.
I didn't take enough last night, maybe I will tonight.
You know what's funny?
These pills are supposed to prevent this feeling.
DEPRESSION
I think they might be broken, can I get a refund?

You know what else I think is funny?
I am one of the most respected and dedicated students at school
I am the one that is involved in everything
I am the one that helps everyone out
I am in the National Honors Society
I am the president of two prevention groups
I am supposed to be strong
Yet look at me
I am the one who is lying in bed
Crying herself to sleep
I am the one who will be found curled up in the corner of the bathroom
With a razor praying for the strength to press down
I am the one who walks up the stairs with the bottle of pills
Determined to swallow them all

And I am the one
Who doesn't need your crap
And I
Am the one
Who gets neglected in the grander scheme of things
Because I am the one who is unlikely to feel this way.
I tried to kill myself, HELP!

T'was the month before Christmas in jungles embattled
The Intelligence Boys were getting quite rattled
With bright points of light their bodies were riddled and
One at a time their numbers were whittled.

The enemy slips in the night through the grass
When two shafts of light intersect with my ass
They've fractured my hip and broken my thigh and
I am astounded that I've not yet died.

I lay there for hours all broken and gnarly
November the Seventh, surrounded by Charlie
Comes creeping and crawling through foul open graves
A young secret soldier, One Anthony Taves.

With garrote and saber and quiet hand weapon
He'd silenced their sentries, a full score and Seven
To clear us an egress, a path to a test
The Truth of the matter, We'd surely go West.

With morphine He cured me then bound up my wounds
Prepared me for travel, no Hendrix for tunes
With He in a crouch and I as his pack
Assuring me lightly that we'd make it back
We bobbed and we weaved like an Old Spanish Galleon
We Just had to sneak through a single Battalion.

On making it back we would have a great feast
O God let us make a few Kliks to the East
A feast, for the insects, encircled by Death
We stole through a fog of the enemy's breath.

Unbounded in fear, unhampered by hope
We had to get home but were Oh so remote
Pursued from the rear, surviving on guts
Our base camp was empty, no dust-off for us.

He looked at the tree line with un-jaundiced eye
All heeding, repeating, that we would not die
So over the course of a week and a day
He marched us to freedom, a country away.

And I owe a debt I can Never Repay.

The droning voice in my head
Is trying to drive me insane
I turn the music up
I try not to complain

Nagging, nagging interrupting my thoughts
Trying to control me
I can't take any more
"can't buy me love"
is what I want to hear
Torment,pain, "cut yourself now"
I don't want to; I try to fight it
I'm done fighting;no strength left
I want to let out a scream
But no sound will come
All my energy gone
Is this all I have to look forward to?
Is it less painful than looking back?
I wish I could fly away somewhere peaceful
where all is tranquil and still
no chance...

Wishing you were here
Missing your boldness, your arrogance
Windows open to a breeze
Flowing through the veins of mystery

The sleepless walk tonight
On an endless bed of dreams
Waking to the river's current of misdirection
Drifting through rivers of misunderstanding
Into a black hole of enraged proportion
Only realize the god that lies before you
Drift away on a black cloud

The deepest thought
The farthest dreams
Shadows block the path
Seep through the cracks, or so it seems
The holes are now to large
to capture the ignorance
The road will evetually end
Your cup of wisdom will soon be empty

I sit in my room
thinking of thoughts
that will never come true.
Thinking of what it would be like
to live a normal life.
I sit and cry,
because I don't know
why I can't live as a happy person.
Thoughts would gather in my head
of the past I wish I could leave behind.
The only thing that keeps me from going crazy
is the memories of what we once had.
Memories of when I was once a happy girl,
but still locked away in my room.
I felt like a Queen,
felt so good.
I had you by my side,
and no worries to fear.
That all is gone,
I feel like the enemy,
feel like shit.
Have worries and more fear.
Thoughts now enter my head,
of you falling more over the edge.
I'm going to lost you,
my biggest fear of all.
We closer to the end,
as far as we were together.
True love hurts,
when the cliff is close.
I want you to come back,
but you won't grab my hand.
Feels like there is another hand,
your reaching to grasp.
I'm calling out your name,
but I hear you calling her.
Thoughts in my head,
continue to appear.
Thoughts of the cliff,
and your voice calling for her,
is the worst to fear.
I feel it coming near,
nearer the truth,
about the name you are calling.
Tell me the truth,
is the cliff here?